Massive delayed reaction?

Woods2 so sorry that you are feeling depressed and unwell... Grief hits us all in so many different ways. We also experience times when it feels like we are getting worse, rather than better. But, it is all part of the grief process...  

We will never totally get over our loss and I don't think we would really want to. To be 'over it' completely would mean forgetting our loved one existed which none of us would want to do. But, in time you find you can look back on your special memories and smile as you remember the good times you shared. Laugh at the anecdotes that you recall about the fun times. 

You have experienced many changes in a relatively short time, coping with bereavement and moving home so it is understandable that you are struggling emotionally. You are still in the initial year, facing all the 'firsts' Christmas, anniversary, birthdays which all underline our loss and makes us feel worse.

Hopefully, as we get into the new year you will find it easier to interact with your new neighbours. Warmer days of Springtime when people are more inclined to socialise. Winter with the cold and dark days makes people want to isolate in their homes. So, I am sure in time you will make friends in your new home surroundings. 

Remember to take little positive steps at your own pace and hopefully you will find your depression will lighten as you learn to cope with your loss.

I am 3 years in since my husband passed away aged 54 and I still have awful days, this very week I have to face yet another wedding anniversary without my husband, his birthday and Christmas but I try to remember the good times and know that I was blessed to have had him in my life for the years we shared.

I wish you well for the future and hope that you start to feel physically better soon.

Mym x

I too think that it's totally understandable that you feel this way after such a difficult time you've had.  Many of us struggle at this time of year no matter how long has gone passed since the loss. Try not to be hard on yourself. 

Woods, I'm very sorry for your loss and that you've had to deal with with what sounds like profound grief and sadness.

I lost my husband in March, 2023 and thought that I was coping well.  However, in mid-October, I began to experience an uptick in sadness and unpredictable episodes of crying.  Since that time, these symptoms have continued and I've noticed that they can occur even during exercise, which previously seemed to help my grief.

I recently watched a podcast interview of a psychologist who lost her son to inadvertent drug overdose.  She, too, thought she was coping, but then she developed breast cancer.  Later she realized that her cancer was at least in part a consequence of unresolved grief.  She then worked very intentionally to really tune into her body and to allow herself to not only cry, but physically release the pain.

Since watching that podcast, I've begun to pay more attention to feelings that I have learned are "unaddressed" grief waiting to be expressed.  For me, it can be a sensation of tightness in my throat or in my chest and if I allow it to surface, then the tears follow and I realize that there are still some issues for which I haven't reached closure.  It's really painful, but I know that I have to do this if I'm ever going to move through this.

I didn't see any mention of regular exercise in your posting.   For me, daily exercise is a huge part of my self-care and quite frankly it's what has kept me sane to this point.  I also make it a point to get out everyday, both for socialization and physical activity.  It's well documented that our brain releases "feel good chemicals" with exercise.

I also found it helpful to watch the TED talk, "3 Secrets of Resilient People" by Dr. Lucy Hone.  I've made it a point to remind myself of at least 3 things to be grateful for each night as I'm falling asleep and it's enabled me to sleep better and has improved my overall outlook on life.

If your experience has been like mine, you've had people tell you to "keep busy" or "stay distracted" as if this will somehow fill the huge void you now feel.  Dealing with all the financial and legal ramifications of losing a spouse certainly can keep one busy and maybe even provide some sense of purpose in the early months after loss, but in my experience, it does not address the profound loss and possible trauma associated with it.

I also recently came to the realization that part of my early coping involved thinking that everything would get better with time.  After all, there aren't too many things in life that I was unable to accomplish without hard work and determination. However, grief doesn't necessarily work like that.  Although we have to be willing to do the difficult work of trying new things, asking for help, and adopting a life without the person we loved, we also have to confront a deep loss for which we have no prior experience to help guide our thoughts and behavior.

Based on the many postings that I have read on this and other similar forums, loneliness is a common feeling among those who have lost a loved one.  In one recent podcast, a grief expert suggested that we remember that we aren't alone, because we are with ourselves, each of us an important living being.  That might sound trite, but I've also come to appreciate that my time alone is helping me to understand myself in ways that I could not do when I was part of a "couple". 

As others who are much wiser than I have pointed out, finding a sense of belonging is integral to moving through loss.  Given that I don't have children or family in my area, this hasn't been an easy hurdle for me to overcome.   However, as I contribute to more forums such as this one and attend Zoom calls with other grieving widows, I've come to recognize that although I had no choice in the matter, these are the groups where I "belong" currently because my personal experience with loss can help others.

I'm sending you a hug and hope you will continue to let us know how you are doing in this process.

Hi Woods!

I can resonate very well with how you are feeling. I lost my husband of 40 years back in June this year. Like you, I thought I was coping but in the run up to Christmas I just feel nothing. I have decorations up in an effort to try to celebrate I have a little 3 year old granddaughter and for some reason I don't know if it has been intentional or not, my son has roped me into looking after her more often sleepovers, looking after her sometimes if his and his partners shifts clash etc. My husband finally succumbed to his cancer as I said on the 23rd June almost 2 years after his diagnosis. He got surgery in January 2022 to remove the tumour and the were certain they got it all but unfortunately 5 months later in May 2022 after blood tests they found his CEA levels had risen and arranged a CT scan which confirmed the cancer had returned. This then resulted in him going through more chemotherapy sessions which in the end up made him quite ill and due to it causing kidney damaged eventually it had to be withdrawn completely. After that he was more or less on borrowed time as they could find no other routes to go down. He was put on pain management only. Through that time he took 4 bouts of sepsis and it was the 4th one along with his advancing cancer that finally took him in June. This time last year was just the beginning of his cancer beginning to take a grip and he had to be hospitalised 2 days after Christmas because he had very low kidney function and it was then they found out he had kidney damage and his chemo was withdrawn. He had to stay in over the New Year holiday that was our first apart in 39 years and little did I know then that I would never see in another New Year with him. I said to myself `there's always next year` but this won't happen ever now. 

My last image of him leaving this house was being dragged along a carpet on a stretcher by paramedics because he had again developed sepsis and his blood pressure had dropped to almost zero so the paramedics were concerned if they tried to get him in an upright position he could pass out altogether and he was a big lump of a man even though the cancer had caused him to have so much weight loss and he was more than half the person he was. So that was how he left here never to return being dragged along a carpet and navigated down a staircase (I live in a main door upper flat) and into the ambulance. Yes you just feel so alone and sometimes now I feel `invisible` you see people get on with their lives planning things, doing things, and you just feel stuck. Some days it still feels hard for me to get out of bed but I have a wee dog that needs walked so he's more or less my reason for getting up in the morning. He was Jay (my husband's) dog. He is a little Border Terrier that my son and I surprised him with 10 years ago at Christmas. He had always wanted one so that's what we got him. We had made arrangements with the hospital staff to take the dog in for a brief few moments so he could see him as he missed him so much but unfortunately he passed just before we could do that. 

Some days I actually forget he is not here and then it hits like a wave that he actually isn't some days I still can't comprehend he has gone still wait sometimes for him to come through the door. It's been 6 months come this Friday it has gone so quick but feels that much longer. So Christmas is here almost he was never one for Christmas your actual `bah humbug` type but in recent years he mellowed slightly toward it since the arrival of our little granddaughter 3 years ago. This is something else he wanted and that was to see her go to school he was very emotional when she was born and never ever thought that it would happen that he would become a grandad. He retired 4 years ago and practically in all that time GPs Hospitals, Clinics, Oncologists became an everyday occurence. He worked for 50 odd years and never once was he in hospital or visited a GP practice. The only time I can say he was in hospital was if he got work related injuries or to visit friends or relatives that had been admitted. He was initially diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes so this too would probably have contributed to the cancer illness also. 

So I, like I think many more here will get what you are feeling and going through just now. It's a horrible place to be and I am being referred for bereavement support in the New Year as I said I thought I was coping but I think I just need that little bit extra help. And as you said hopefully time will heal this and we can all find a way to move forward. Please Take Care and my Best Wishes to you.

xx