Loneliness

I know exactly how you feel the loneliness is unbearable. Not sure some days how i even manage to put one foot in front of the other. As far as i am concerned, i to am still married and love my husband very much. I lost him 18 weeks ago today. You have to do what is right for you, and if on line dating is what you want to do then do it, or leave it a little longer, as it will still be there in a month, 6  months or a year, as then it could be the right time for you. I am sure your wife would not want you to be unhappy for the rest of your life, although it is hard to think we will ever be happy again. We just have to live in hope that one day the pain may lessen a little. Take care.

The loneliness is painful. As far as I'm concerned I'm still married it's just that my husband isn't here. 

Only you can know if and when it's the right time to look for a relationship, don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. 

I can totally understand.  It is now three years since my beloved husband passed away. I then sold up and relocated to buy and share a house with my adult daughter. But I still feel so alone and lonely.

Like you, I have filled in online dating forms (several times) but deleted the account within a couple of hours! When he was getting sick my husband told me to move on, find a new partner after he had gone.. but it seems I can't. I don't want anyone else, I just want him to come back. It's so lonely without him by my side.

It is so so difficult I am still married but sadly not in a relationship.As you all say there is no right or wrong answer but there certainly isn’t an easy one! Thank you all for replying and whilst none of us have the answers your comments are so much appreciated.Keep smiling x

I know exactly how you are feeling it’s like cheating on your partner but we’re not.I’m a simple bloke so don’t have any answers but as I said above sharing your feelings helps x

Hello MikeR  

As the others so rightly have said, we all understand your loss and feelings of loneliness. It is so hard to explain to others who have not been through it. 

I haven't gone down the route of a dating agency. Too frightening! Don't think I ever will either. Barry my partner and friend of nearly 40 years is a hard act to follow !

However, that doesn't get round this awful feeling of loss. Deep within it is almost painful. The "price " we pay for loving someone so much.

Take your time is what I think. No hurry.  If it is meant to happen it will.

Big hugs 

Thank you all for responding.I don’t do social media,I’m very old school and going down the online dating route is not in my DNA.It smacks of desperation on my part

Sharing these thoughts and hearing it’s not just me is without  doubt good for the soul 

loved the Voltaire quote but have to admit  I’m a bit of a George Bernard Shaw fan (google his true joy in life quote magnificent!)

virtual hugs to you all

Hi MikeR. Sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my wife to Metastatic Breast Cancer in mid August this year so it is still very raw for me. We were married 12 years. Together 21 years. Got the diagnosis in the 3rd year of marriage. We had no children. I do feel the isolation especially in the house and try to get out as often as possible. Added problem for me is I work from home.

I can't see myself going looking for another relationship (if I do) for some considerable time as I couldn't. Even although my wife said find someone else. One of my friends yesterday said your getting to the 3 month point why not try online. I said on Amazon or what? I just couldn't do it. Besides he got a stern retort.

I post on here from time to time which helps. Another member (name dropping dipsy21) pointed out the WAY-UP site which is really for over 51s. It's a "general" bereavement site for people wanting to connect and it's good. Lots of forums, posts, coffee or other meetups (depending on location) and Zoom meetings. I'd give it a try. It isn't a dating site.  Good luck.

Hi Mike,

My beautiful wife Margaret passed away about 4 1/2 years ago now and, in the beginning, I felt so alone and so lonely. We had been married for 33 years and together for 36 years. Marg had just been the constant that kept my life (and me) in check.

Without her, I felt emotionally empty. Strangely, without her cancer to deal with (she was first diagnosed in 2012) I felt pointless.

Two years on, things had been getting very, very dark (we all know what that means) but a grief counsellor I had been seeing said something to me (after I told her how low I was getting) - "Don't feel you can't live without her - learn to live with the love she left behind". This really struck a chord with me and made me realize that I had handed grief the steering wheel and was content to let it take me wherever it felt like going.

I forced myself to get out of the house (I had become quite reclusive) and just walk around the neighbourhood - not just for the physical exercise - and see that the world around me continued; flowers still bloomed, people still fought and smiled and the sun still rose and fell in its own rythym.

At home, I made myself reach out to those I had cut myself off from. Some responded, some did not. That's life. Those that did, each and every reply bought a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart.

After several years, I briefly tried the online dating thing but it was as horrendous as you could imagine (and in hindsight was so funny tears ran down my leg). I gave that away as a bad joke and thought that would be the end of it. 

I had been chatting with an old friend I had known for over a decade (she worked for a company that used my late wife's accounting company). Sue and I had been chatting on line for a couple of years, mainly about football, family and peripheral things. We met up for a walk and coffee at the parklands near my place and without realizing, walked and talked for 4 hours. 

Sue allowed me to really open up about Marg, cancer, depression - everything. It was raw, it was honest and, at the time, it hurt. A lot. But it was necessary for me.

At the end of it, Sue simply said, "I see you. And you'll be ok."

The first time she came over to my house, I pointed out that there were a lot of photos of Marg on the walls. She said, "Good. If one of them comes down, my arse will be the last thing you seeing heading out your door. You don't have to live in the past but I expect you to respect it and honour it."

I don't feel alone so much now. Sue and I have been a "thing" for a bit over a year now and it's going along nicely. Very nicely. There are still moments when I think, "I'll have to remember to tell Marg about ...". Other times, I can get a bit down. But ...

As I said when I was a carer, "At the end of the day, the sun will still rise. As will you.".

I'd like to think Marg is smiling on us. I know she wanted me to be happy.

I am, honey.

Peace,
Ewen 

Our loved ones are beyond pain, they suffered enough, however those of use who have had to remain behind, still have it.  I know I cannot speak for anyone else here, but I am sure for myself , well more than sure, because my Adele told me so in her final weeks, that we have to carrying on living , now they cannot.  We cope in different ways , non of them wrong. Myself, I met a new partner as I needed someone to share my life with,I.e I was lonely,  I will never forget , but for me , well I needed to live as Adele would have wished,  the best life I can.  So don’t be scared to take a chance, loneliness is a punishment not a reward.