Looking for help & advice. Lost wife to cancer recently.

Forsyb I’m “behind you” in terms of timescales. My husband died on 27/9. So I’ve no advice to give you other than to say it’s still early days. And sending you a big hug too. Take care.

Hello Forsyb - it's just wretched isn't it? My husband died 6 weeks ago of pancreatic cancer. We had been married for 20 years and, like you and your wife, did everything together. We renovated our home together and everywhere I look reminds me of him and the fun we had doing that. I wish I had some helpful advice for you, but the enormity of losing the person you love and share everything with is awful. I hope you find this site a bit of a comfort though? It has helped me to feel less alone in this strange new world we have all have been plunged into. Look after yourself x    

Hi there, i lost my husband in July this year, we had been married nearly 44 years. I feel the same about being away from the house, i try and go out most days, as i cannot bear being on my own all day and all night. I look around the house, and everything here is because of my husband. I didn't work so all the photos on the walls of the lovely places we have been are because of him, not that he would have said that as he always said it was our money. The house is now just a house and not a home any more, which is bringing me to tears just writing it. I expect you just want to get back on another plane and go somewhere else. I have to find the courage to go to the Maldives on my own, as i promised my husband i would take a part of him back there to be with the turtles and manta rays we so loved. I cannot really offer you any advice sadly as i do not know how to cope. I am having counselling from the hospice that helped my husband, not sure if counselling would be helpful for you but maybe worth a try, anything to try and get out of this feeling of despair and hopelessness.

Advice is a bit hard to give, though I understand to a degree where you are at. My wife also died earlier this year from breast cancer. We had been together over 20 years, though only got married about 4 years ago after she was diagnosed. As I worked a lot (apart for the last year when I took a few months off to care for her), she pretty much filled our house with the things that she loved, and her art, and now its as though it is frozen it time, and that she could walk back in and pick up as though she never left. People are asking when am I going to sell up (even though its been less that a year), but it was home we built together, a place that we were planning to to retire together in.

I agree with you about things being frozen in time, even though it is 16 weeks ago i lost my husband it still seems he will come back and go and sit in his office and start typing on his computer. I am not sure why people ask when you are going to move, it would be one of the worst things you could do, even though the day my husband died all i wanted to do was walk out of the house and never come back, you need to do things in your own time. I knew somebody who lost their husband and sold their house very quickly after, and regretted it. Although it hurts looking at most of the things in the house, i am hoping one day this will not be the case and that i might, just might start to heal one day.

Oh Flamingo21

You situation sounds so like mine. My husband passed away from advanced bowel cancer plus sepsis in June this year and I am so lost without him. He was my soulmate of 40 years. I am beginning I think to move forward just slightly it's not even been 6 months yet! My sister recently had to go through bowel surgery as a tumour was found with her also she has just had the results that everything is clear so it just feels a bit bittersweet for me just now that she has been spared but it took my husband. 

I agree with that also. Although I must say that when my husband was ill and I knew his time was limited, I was actually toying with the idea of moving house. It felt at the time it was something I `needed` to do because I thought it was going to be too painful for me to live here on my own. I mentioned it to my husband before he passed and he said to me that it was up to me but he thought I'd be very foolish to take that step because our house- ok it's not a palace or mansion, but it's ours paid outright even when he was ill he still had logic going on in his head. I have not given up on the idea, but it just seems less of a priority now. If I did move I would need to rent because at 60 I don't see myself managing another mortgage on my own and I would maybe need to pay full rent because they would know I had capital from selling this so is it `better the devil you know`? My son says I just need to give myself time and start changing things around the place when I'm ready even just giving the walls a coat of paint or something like that. Yes some days I forget he is gone and still look for him coming home. He worked long hours and was away from home at times a lot and just now this is kind of still what it feels like but then it hits you like a wave that he is actually gone. I have been having dreams of him recently and they feel so real and then I wake up and see he's not there and realise that's all it was- a dream! The nights are getting so long and dark now and I am beginning to become so aware of this now he is not here either. I used to like the autumn/winter nights where we used to cosy up in our PJs watching the autumn TV schedules doesn't feel the same doing it on your own. Going through all my `firsts` as well. My first autumn/winter without him. It will be my first birthday without him next month (November) then Christmas can't even begin to think about that. We had a lovely static caravn in Argyll in Scotland we owned for just about 8 years which I recently had to sell just can keep up the fees and bills for that on my own. Such a heartbreak to let go. He loved it there it was his little bit of paradise and looked forward to spending the majority of his retirement there but he was robbed of that. He retired 4 years ago after working 50 odd years never went to a GP practice or hospital for anything. Retires, and it was like an everyday occurrence for him. Cancer can just be so cruel.

Vicky x

I constantly dream of my husband, only to wake to reality. Sometimes when i wake up i think i can hear him breathing next to me. I still feel he will be coming home at some point even though he passed away in July. Silly things make me cry like his mugs in the cupboard, or walking past the calendar shop where he would go and buy me one for Christmas, although you probably don't see these things as silly because you are probably doing similar things. I had my first Birthday at the beginning of the month, he had left me a Birthday card, as he has left me one for what would have been our 44th Wedding Anniversary next month. As you say Christmas is nearly here, and i think should i just stay in my house alone or take myself off on my own. Take care of yourself.x

Hi Paddy53. Thanks for the reply.  And I should reply more often. Yes still early too for me as I keep getting told. Although finding it gets harder. Trying as best as possible to get on with things best you can. Getting myself out the house seems to work. But exit front door you need to go back in again. Also finding the bereavement support in the UK is a bit lacking or you end up on waiting lists for the good ones.

I’m not sure if I should say this but there is a very active forum on the Sue Ryder website called losing a partner, and I’ve found that very helpful. 

I’m going to try and make an appointment with the doctor tomorrow, I’m struggling.