A WEEK ON..

I feel your pain, I lost my husband 5 weeks ago and the pain is intense the loneliness is the hardest, you can be in a room full of people but it isn’t the same without your loved one there. I know first hand that it’s hard but it’s my dog that has got me out of bed every morning knowing that she was my husbands pride and joy. Letting companies know is the hardest but everyone that I have contacted have made it very easy. I hope you get a-bit of relief soon. 

Hi!

I can resonate with all that has been said. I just held my husband's funeral last Friday (!4th July) after a two year battles with bowel cancer and I get pain and lonliness bit and I am starting to find this out and realise this is what is to come. Everyone said I gave him a good send off and had a few well-meaning people come up to me saying about going here and there and the usual if you ever need to talk to anyone and they'll give me a phone and keep in touch `blah blah` but the usual sometimes this does and again it doesn't happen. I did say to his two nephews who are the only immediate members of his family left (his brother and sister-in-law passed in 2014 and 2016 within 2 years of each other) but we'll see how that materilalises they have their own families now so of course things just go back to normal there and they just continue with their lives. I too have a little dog a Border Terrier he was my husband's pride and joy and when he was in hospital I made arrangements with the staff if I could bring him in to see him as he missed him so much and they said I could for a few minutes then would need to take him away again but of course he never got to see it happen and he passed just before I and my son had made the arrangements. I have got through most of the dreaded admin banks, insurances etc and you're right Confused they make it as simple as possible. I just have a few loose ends to tie up there and hopefully that will be all that out the way and then it's what lies ahead for me. I have my older sister who lives not far from me she has mental health and learning difficulties and lives in sheltered housing accommodation and my son and his partner and little girl live not far from me with their little girl so I can see I will be getting roped into plenty of babysitting. My sister comes and stays over with me a few nights a week I have contemplated having her move in with me but the set up we have at present seems to work fine. As I like to have my own space now and again and because of how she is she is not the best company you could have but her staying here a few nights because it means I know she is being fed properly (she lives off ready meals) and her hygeine habits can leave a lot to be desired at times so at least I know she is giving herself a proper wash. She does wash but all over washes she only does this about once a week. I have to deal with her banking needs and things in authority for her also because she doesn't understand anything like that so in a sense I do have a purpose to go on but it's not going to be the same without my husband. Something will happen now that I maybe want to tell him about but he's not here for me now to tell him little things like that. It's going to be hard but I will just need to take things a day at a time. It's all I can do. My best wishes to you. 

Hi Patty, I was wondering how you were, as a few days had passed.  I'm pleased to read you have some family around you, but you also recognise that you need time on your own.  I didn't know about your dog,  I hope he/she brings happiness and comfort.   I missed having my cat (I lost him 18 months prior) and I really missed having something to hug.  Anyway, perhaps let me know how you are.  ATB Woods x 

I am sorry for your loss Longshanks.

I lost my wife of 37 years in March this year, she died within 5 months of diagnosis of bowel cancer.

We loved each other so much. 
I have two sons who live a long way from home so I don’t see them much but am so grateful that I have them.

Life is pretty crap and even after 4 months if anything the grief is worse, I think mainly because in the early days you are running on adrenaline, funeral arrangements, sorting out legal stuff etc.

The only way I cope is I am determined to carry on living and maybe find some happiness again. I try to stick to our old routine, I cook myself food every evening, go to parkrun on a Saturday keep the house tidy etc. I’ve even been on a couple of short holidays difficult as they were.

I hope you manage to ride the journey of grief and one day find some sort of purpose in life again xx

Hi Woods!

Well that's my first week in of official `widowdom` if you could call it that. I've been trying to keep myself busy just clearing out drawers and stuff not Jay's stuff just not ready for that yet but you know the stuff you get you put in a drawer and say `i'll keep that it could come in handy for something but never does` that kind of clearing out. Cleaned the car out on Monday Jay was never the tidiest in regard to doing that and the interior resembled a dustbin on wheels don't know how many empty plastic bottles I putlled out from under the front seats and various sweet wrappers etc in the side pockets plus facemasks from covid. It's nice n tidy again and smells a bit fresher and as it's mine now, I hope to keep it that way. Had my wee granddaughter over on Tuesday for a couple of hours she is just getting over chicken pox the wee soul so she was past the infectious stage should have been a nursery day for her but obviously her mum and dad wanted to keep her home until fully recovered. My son was on nights last week so he needed his sleep during the day and his partner was working on Tuesday too so granny had to babysit. I'm ok I've had chicken pox. In a cruel twist of fate though, my sister did her very first bowel screening test last week. She stays with me a couple of days a week this has been an ongoing arrangement since Jay got very ill and I've just kept it going. She has learning difficulties and although these home bowel screening tests are simple to do, she finds it hard to do so I ended up helping her with it. Well she went home for a little while today to see if there was any mail and she got a letter to say her test needs further investigation so of course now I'm thinking `not again`. She has to phone on Monday- or I will to find out what needs to be done. I don't know what to think just now. I'm hoping its only something like benign polyps and if it is they'll get it in time. She had breast cancer 4 years ago and they managed to get that and that has been monitored with yearly mammograms which have so far come back clear and has been taking Tamoxifen for that. Just bad timing for all this just now given what has been going on recently. Never rains but it pours. 

Vicky x

Hi Vicky, Well it's been a busy, intense week or so for you so you're wise to "potter" around the house, do a few little jobs etc.  Not exactly weather for going out either (although I know it's likely you'll walk your dog).  I think I went out once this week, talk about make an event out of posting a few letters!   I thought tonight " my life has no purpose now". I retired at 60 and enjoyed being home when Paul got home, looking after him etc.  We were never big socialisers, a small circle of friends and no family.  I have to move, maybe things will change then for me?  I do hope your sis is ok, perhaps they'll do further tests, she'll appreciate your presence I expect.  Our fellas had quite a bit in common (or maybe it's just blokes in general) Paul left his car in a right state too.  I had to have it valeted before I could sell it.  Anyway, you continue to take a day at a time, rest, eat well, pamper yourself.   We'll message again soon.  Love, Woods. 

Hi Woods!

Yes we sound so alike. Jay and I were never big socialisers. A few  beers for him or wines for me at the weekend  and a takeaway and the TV and he was happy. Occasionally we would go out for dinner. He retired 4 years ago but in the end didn't have much of a retirement given all his health issues. Worked 50 years never in a GP practice or hospital, retires and it's more or less an everyday occurrence given his cancer and diabetes diagnosis. We had a static caravan in a beautiful setting in Argyll in Scotland but that will have to go now as I can't manage the upkeep of that on my own and as it was more or less and `owners only` site there is no letting policy to hire it out so I'll need to sell it the ground fees, and bills gas and electric etc I just could not do it on my own and it is going to break my heart because I have no alternative. The car I am keeping for myself because I have just got back into driving again and it's ours so only things I have to do for that is the upkeep of MOT and servicing insurance etc. I can't keep both going. We are mortgage free so the house is ours. I often think about moving but if I did it would need to be rented accomodation because with mortgages rising again and with me having capital from selling this I would need to pay rent and rent these days is just as expensive as mortgage so it's like a catch 22 just now. I'm 60 now but don't get my pension until I'm 67 but Jay left me provided for financially I'll be comfortable for a while. Things just unsettled just now but hopefully everything will eventually fall into place. Take Care. 

Vicky x

It's so hard doing the official stuff on your own, when before you were part of a team. The companies have been understanding but still damned hard, especially when her bank contents are transfered into your account. That hit me so hard...

High Mark 

It's the routine that's keeping me, that gets me finally out of bed. Plus the demands of the dogs.  But it still cones back to smoother you, bringing that routine to a temporary halt. My eating not good but I force myself.  This is a club I never saw myself joining, it was supposed to go first in my plan.

Many hugs and look after those doggies. They will bring you great joy eventually, even if an effort now. And if it’s a big, rattly house, in time why not downsize somewhere smaller. Make life easier and concentrate on you and the dogs and your new future. A lot to contemplate so soon, but all will work out. Lots of hugs your way.