Grief has hit me like a train

Hi I am new to this group and I too wish I was not here.

I was moved by your post and have experienced the feeling and loss you write about. I too feel like I have been hit by a freight train. My darling wife was also thinking about me and put me first. I too felt blessed and lucky to have met Kim, we were like two pease in a pod.

She made the ordinary everyday things extraordinary a coffee in town, shopping just ordinary things.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer in September 2019 and bore her treatment with stoicism and dignity.

The end was rapid, she had a seizure on April 17 admitted to hospital having lost consciousness, she was brought out of this state the next day. The nurses gave her coffee through a straw, the talk was of physiotherapy and then discharge home.

Later around 7.30pm me and my eldest son were asked to have a chat with the Consultant in the relatives room.

The. cancer had spread and Kim is coming near the end of her life.

She died on April 30th.

We were married 32 years and it just takes such adjusting.

My two grown up sons are both living with me and we console each other.

Nothing prepares you for the absence, touch feel and sound of your loved one.

I to feel lucky to have met Kim, which was through work and a twist of fate.

How lucky was I to have had all those years, I was greedy for more but thankful for the time we had.

Much love to and your family and all who are on this horrible journey of grief, necessary though it is.

Alban

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Dear Alban

many thanks for your reply, I am so very very sorry for your loss and I understand totally, Kim sounds very much like Jeni, everyday things being made extraordinary is the perfect way to put it my friend, we have both been so very lucky to have found these beautiful souls but it hurts so very much when they leave us, I too am new to this forum, I have looked at it several times but today decided to take the plunge and reach out, I have a great support network around me including a couple of good friends who have lost partners way too soon BUT I still feel very alone, I have written poetry to cancer and grief but for some reason I can’t copy and paste it on here, I wish I could send it to you as it explains properly my feelings and I should imagine the feelings of others

keep strong my friend 

Mark 

Hi BigRed

Lovely reading your post. Just lost my husband on the 23rd June. He was my best friend and soulmate for 40 years- married for 37 just celebrated our 37th wedding anniversary on the 21st before he past so cancer allowed him that at least to stay for that. I met him when I was 21 I was having a 21st at my house in which he had no intention of coming to as he was going fishing early the next morning-one of his passions. I thought he was `no oil painting` but for some reason we clicked. I still laugh about the time he got caught out by telling me his age. He told me he was 25 and then one of his friends let slip he was actually 30 and I asked if it was true and he said yes and said if he told me he was 30 I would think he was too old for me but then these days age is just a number so they say. So here we were 40 years on and still together. We fought like cat and dog at times and could see one another far enough but in the end we were always pulled back together. The thing is, he got rid of all his cancer last January 2022 when he was taken in and it was all cut out but it came back in May 2022 and then subsequent sessions of chemotherapy followed which unfortunately ended up damaging his kidneys and was stopped permanently then continuous bouts of sepsis followed and the last bout he was admitted on June 1st this year to hospital and between that and sepsis decided that it was going to take him this time one way or another. He too wanted to come home to pass away but was told he was too weak to be transported and there was a risk he could pass on the way home in the ambulance which would have been quite undignified so just resigned to staying in the hospital. Our son wanted him home but in the end he too said if he needs to stay there that is what has to be done. So, I was by his side when he peacefully just slept away so I got that at least. Yes cancer is a very cruel and a beast of a disease now that I have experienced it. It has hit our families many times my own parents my husbands brother and his dad and my sister although she is one of the lucky ones and survived it. His funeral is a week this Friday on the 14th July my stomach is knots now thinking about it and I think I am just now beginning to realise that this is actually happening. Think its beginning to actually hit home now. I will miss him terribly. 

Hi PattyK

thank you for reaching out and telling of your experience, my heart truly goes out to you in the sincerest of ways, that’s lovely how you met, cheeky and lovely, I’m so very sorry that you couldn’t be at home, 40 years is an incredible achievement so you must have been doing something right. I too have past experience of family cancer but when it’s your life partner it’s a different ball game altogether for sure, it’s the one you’d turn too in times that need consoling but there the one that’s gone, It’s a beast of a disease which tears us all apart unfortunately, I was in shock and denial when I lost my Jeni, 2 weeks later we had her daughters wedding which was heartbreaking and then her funeral, I can’t lie it was very very difficult to get through, I thought I was at my lowest then but I’d underestimated grief sadly, now it has begun to sink in my loss is enormous and my heart is broken, each day is a battle but we have to try and stay strong, I will be thinking of you on the 14th, sending a hug and hoping you have support around you as you begin this next part of the journey 

take care 

Mark 

I am so sorry you all  have to be here, and my heart goes out, to each and everyone.

Does it get any easier, that is debatable, I am coming up to 4 years October, fills like yesterday in many ways,

I never ever thought, i would be able to get threw the first couple of months.

We where married 53years and he passed a week later, a life time,though in many ways, i wanted more, though i glad we had that many a lot do not.

I was lost, cut in half, and did not know who i was without him,

I was diagnosed with cancer  and finished my treatment Dec 24th 2018, he got diagnosed  Dec 20th 2018, lost him Oct 2019.

I have got this far, because deep down, i know, he would want me to carry on , yes i have a life, but not the same life, i miss that.

I am not lonely but alone, there is a difference, you will all find your way, take time for yourself,

I do not cry as much, though at times, some thing reminds me, and the tears flow, that is the price, for loving some one so much.

I wish you all well and you will get there, in your own time, there is no rush,

xxxx 

Dear Ellie

Thank you for your message, I am so very very sorry for your loss too and my heart goes out to you, you have described very well the feelings, the feeling you just can’t make it through, being cut in half, lost, I personally feel like I do not know who I am since my Jeni passed away, it’s a very dark and lonely place even when you have a good support network around. Wise words young lady, very best wishes to you Ellie

Mark 

I just don't want to be that lonely wee old woman on her own who nobody visits or anything. i don't intend to try to be that though. I have began driving again. For quite a few years I was unable to drive due to illness but I got better and Jay (my husband) asked me if I would want to go back to it just before he got really ill to give me independence because I still have my full driving licence. my son has been chewing my ear to go back to it because we have a beautiful Hyundai car that we just bought last September after having it on the PCP lease scheme we liked it that much we decided to buy it at the end of the contract but unfortunately he never got to use it much in the end so I'll be driving it for him in his memory. I think he may have knew at the time he wouldn't have a lot of time left because it was after his cancer returned he asked me this.  I think when something like this happens when you lose your life partner you have that feeling of becoming anonymous or invisible. Where you were maybe one of a group of couples they may feel they need to ask you to an event  etc and then you feel if you do go you feel like a spare part if everyone else is in a couple. Little things like seeing couples walking down the road holding hands and realising that you used to do that. When we walked along the road we used to always hold hands I saw this one time I was at the hospital when he was in I was walking through the entrance and saw a couple round about our age walking by holding hands. It's little things like this. The you do your food shop and realise you're just buying for one now and then you say well I can buy what I want now in regards to food shopping. There were things Jay didn't like I did for example we had to always have full fat milk and I like semi-skimmed and he didn't. Just been out and spoke to some of my neighbours they were glad to see me out. I've hardly ventured over the door in the last couple of weeks but feel now I need to try and get out again even just for a run in the car. One of my neighbours has an electric wheelchair now and I was joking with him about having a driving licence for it. You have to try to make light of the situation some way. Just hope I can get through this week and next. Jay's funeral is next Friday the 14th. I'm starting to realise now that it is actually happening I have been neither up nor down about it but today when I finally got the date my stomach has been in knots. Just hope I can keep myself busy and have things to occupy my time. My best wishes to all of you here going through similar.

1. Dear PattyK

i totally hear you, I think it is fantastic you are driving again, your independence is a must as long as you can, it’s important you can get out when you want to and need to, the shopping scenario is again a difficult experience, I have had the exact same thing, Buying for one was never something I dreamt I would be doing and it’s so very hard, I’m no cook, I now live on baked potatoes as my Jeni was the chef, oh how I miss everything she did and did so well, she loved cooking and was very good, again the couples thing will continue for sure, I feel bad that I am so very very angry that other people are happy when it feels like my life is over, only natural though I guess, it’s such very early days for both you and I, we live in a small village quite rural so everyone knows now, I have become the guy who’s partner passed away very quickly from cancer, fingers point, people look at the house and slow as they walk by, everything happened so very quickly I’m still  iin disbelief, you will get through on the 14th, you will find strength and your journey will start from that day, keep driving, keep strong, keep believing ( I wish I could take my own advice )

I will think of you, take care

Mark 

We were the reverse Mark. Jay was the chef in our house. The kitchen was his domain always had to be experimenting with food recipies in some way. Couldn't just throw something in a frying pan or boil something in a pot which is what I would usually do. He had to be aadding sauces spices etc to everything. His spagbol was delicious and he would make  loads of it  even if it was just for us two loved his food `eye always bigger than his belly` In the winter months he would make big pots of homemade soup and freeze some in tupperware containers to have on different days. He watched all the chefs on TV James Martin, Rick Stein, Gino etc. I'll be resigning myself now though to proabably ready meals and the odd cooked one and takeaways from now on. Maybe reduce my waistline slightly though because it wont be the big stacked `Jay size plates` I've been used to. 

Dear PattyK

Bless you, it sounds like Jay looked after you as my Jeni did me, luckily for me I don’t eat much and takeaways are rare, I do miss going out for meals, we were that annoying couple in the restaurant always holding hands and kissing each other, always chatting about what we had done and what our plans were for the future, oh how we miss them so very very much, it is 12 weeks today since I lost my beloved girl, never did I imagine I’d find myself so lonely and dark, it is a horrific feeling and place to be for sure, I meltdown every day right now, life is so very very empty, I try my very hardest to battle on but get so emotionally exhausted at times, baby steps and one day at a time is all we can do. Betty you will find the strength on the run up to the 14th and afterwards I hope, it’s the hardest, believe me I know, sending you a big hug and wishing you peace 

Take care 

Mark