When is the time right?

thank you. My husband died 4 years ago. Moving on or moving forward doesn’t really mean much to me. I miss him so much. I worry for all of us. I really want everyone to see life as finite. That one day we too will be gone. Don’t turn away from love through guilt. I am 62 and this is my life now. I am so lucky to have my children and grandchildren. I know that there is no one out there for me now. I’m too old. I’m just too blunt. But my heart wants those that have the chance to grab it. 

That is shocking. It is only that if people make rash decisions because they are grieving,it could all end in tears.Hoping that friends and family will give you lots of support. Look after yourself 

Hi Patty, firstly I would like to say that I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m 3 years on but can still clearly remember those early days. Please don’t rush things, grief is like being on a train, you have no control of where it goes or what stations it stops at, all you can do is sit tight and allow it to continue. At the end of the line though you come out of the tunnel and the skies are bright and blue again. I can’t tell you how long the journey will be but you will get there in your own time. You have also been through such a lot and you need time to heal too. As for being a spring chicken, I’m sure that you still are, I’m 50 but am still 15 in my head and that’s what counts. Just remember, we are all members of a club that we never signed up for, but from what I see it brings the best out in us all. We can look out for one another and help each other along the path. Some good comes from it all in the end. Take care. 

Thanks Ian! 

What a nice thing to say in regards to still being a spring chicken. Yes it is very early days for me I know. At the moment I just don't know where I want to be or how to be. I am calm but then again become anxious at being so uncertain of the future. Where everything with us was a joint decision in what we did now all of a sudden the decisions are all mine alone. It's the letting go of his things that upset me. I'm not touching any of his clothes or anything just now until we get the funeral by I just feel this would be so disrespectful towards him I have made a start though getting rid of all his medical supplies stoma/urine bags etc It's going to be hard for me I know but it will take time and hopefully as you say I'll eventually emerge from that dark tunnel. 

Patty, It's extremely early to be thinking about getting rid of his stuff, I've only just gotten rid of my man's stuff.  But I kept things that mean something to me (and it doesn't matter what they are if they mean something to you).  You will feel lost, I liken it to being in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean adrift without an anchor.  But there are boats and buoys and ships around who will help you. ( I'm a colostomate and I think charities take unused supplies, try Jacobs Well, or ask his supplier.)  I donated my hon's things to charity rather than "dumping" them.  It helps to know most of his things will find new homes.  I had a professional de-clutter company come in and help me.  It made that difficult process so much easier.  I kept his hi-viz, his boots, a tail lift key, his works ID and his driving ID's.  I love having his things round me providing comfort.   Just take your time, and put yourself first this time. Hugs, Woods x 

Thanks Woods!

Got rid of his stoma stuff just took it to the dump. The company that supplied it didn't even want them back even though they were still boxed and unused. Apparently down to covid the are concerned about contamination now. There are clothes I will want to keep belonging to him but as you say there are some that will find a new home. He was an awful one for not wearing stuff Christmas/Birthdays he would get T shirts trousers etc some are still in the original wrappers with the tags still on. Maybe try to punt them on EBay Facebook Market or similar or failing that they'll just go to charity. Your hubby must have worked in the same type of industry as mine he was hi-viz vests workboots and ID's as well. It's something though I'll probably take time to get through little by little. 

Vicky x

Hi Vicky, Yes I too had clothes that were still in packs and tagged.  But it was better for me for them to go to charity.  His spare new work tops went back to work.  There is no rush to "get rid", in fact because he had his own room I shut the door until I was ready to deal with it all.  Paul was an HGV driver.  Take care of you...love, Woods x 

Thanks Woods!

Jay was a van driver/billposter/ billboard builder is how I can describe it. In other words he worked for an advertising company. His job took him all over Scotland and the North of England Manchester/Newcastle etc. Sometimes he would be away a lot on building these boards which never actually phased me in any way in fact I quite relished the time on my own being able to watch what I wanted on TV and got the bed to myself etc but always knew he'd be back but this time he's not coming back and that scares me a little to now just realise that I am going to be on my own. The long winter nights I think will be the worst. I usually quite like the winter months weirdly you can just shut your door and cosy up the TV and your pjs on if you like and you don't see a soul and then Christmas to look forward to etc. Don't know how it will go this year though if it will be a painful reminder that that was more or less the time started of the beginning of the end of him. Last Christmas was horrible as he was really ill because he had started to go through his second course of chemotherapy. Just need to try and make the best of things. It's all I can do. 

Our men had tough jobs.  Like you I enjoyed my own company (and the cozy-ing up you love) but now there's this emptiness indoors.  Paul used to love Christmas and the run-up, I don't know how I'm going to feel this year.  Last Christmas he appeared alright (before the lack of chemo kicked in), if only we'd known it was our last festive season together.   All I can say is take it a day at a time, as I do.  Cry, sob, scream, swear, lose your temper when you need to.  I find letting it out helps (though do it alone!).  I had to be reminded to now be a bit selfish and put myself first, it's giving me strength to get through each day.   Hugs, Woods x 

My husband was a support worker with adults with learning and physical disabilities so worked shifts. So I often had evenings, weekends and even Christmas on my own. 

I would say try not to think about Christmas just now. You really don't know how you'll feel by then.