When is the time right?

Do you not want to be alone. Would you like to be with someone to share your life. To talk to after work to cook meals with to go out with friends to plan holidays with to sit around in your boxer shorts to watch tv with to argue about whether to watch sports or east Enders. If the answer to all these questions is yes then for goodness sake get on with your life. We are a long time dead. No matter how much you love and miss her she ain’t coming back. Honour her memory by having a great life with someone equally as special as her. 

Owl58,

I've read your post several times. I'm sure that you are trying to highlight how we, and perhaps you, at some point all need to move on as best we can regardless of our experience.

WDJ

Hi StClair, 

wow you both went through it for such a long time. I can only tell you of my experience. My wife passed away 3 years ago after having had treatment for around 2 years. I was with her every day, for every treatment and consultation. And then she passed, what was I to do now. I have 2 children who were 17 and 14, I had to go on for them. 12 months passed and I thought back to the conversations we had had, she had wanted me, willed me, to meet someone else. To be happy again, she was such a beautiful kind hearted soul, even in all of her pain and fear, she was thinking of me. So I decided, yes I would allow myself to be happy again. I soon met someone who I had a connection with, 18 months on we are very happy together and once again I am looking forward to the future (always with one eye on the past). Has it been smooth sailing, no, there have been members of our family (my late wife’s) and friends  that found it hard to come to terms with and I fully understand that. But and this is a big but, I watch on as those family and friends continue with their lives (still with moments of sadness I’m sure) but with Rhine’s of love and joy, holidays, family gatherings etc they are also enjoying life and getting on with things, so why should I put my life on hold, not enjoy those things, waiting for their approval. I might be being selfish and not considering those friends and family but I am fulfilling my late wife’s wishes and that means more to me than anything else. As others have said, we are here for a good time not a long time, allow yourself to enjoy life again and if that is with a new partner, then good for you. I sincerely hope you find someone and that your friends and family are happy to see you smile again. Take care. 

Hi Stclair. I lost my wife almost 3 years ago. I was 40 at the time, she was almost 39. At first I felt like I would never love again because we'd been together for 20 years and even if she'd given me her blessing to move on and be happy, it felt impossible. 

Then I met someone and fell in love. Just like that. It was properly miraculous. She brought me back on my feet and I realised I could love and be loved again. That was way too early in my grief for me (8 months) because I realised after a few months (and so did she..) that it would be good for me to learn to live on my own first. Which I did. I have gotten closer to a friend of mine after that and after months of very long chats about everything, we fell in love. We've been together for more than a year and it all goes well. Because we have from the start made it clear that we needed to communicate a lot about our fears and needs etc. 

So long story short, don't wait for anyone's approval to do what feels right for you. People have been very understanding for me, even my late wife's family. This validation meant a lot for me.

You have only one life. We all know how short this can be. Do the most of it. Follow your heart and if you feel like you'd like to be with someone, go for it!

Like you, my wife told me she wanted me to find someone else and be happy. This was a massive gift. And I think I would have done the same in that position. That's love.

Oh also, there are all sorts of implications about loving someone new while still loving the one we've lost but I've found like there is love for everyone and it's all good.

Good luck!

Thank you for your story and my wife was the same, a wonderful woman who in the darkest of times thought about my happiness. It’s interesting what you say about others carrying on with their lives but somehow wanting you to put your life on hold, I think that is how I feel at the moment. I do not want to be on my own and I don’t know when is the right time to move forward. I feel ready but I am not sure others are ready for me to do so at the moment so I might have to have some difficult conversations. Wishing you all the very best. 

You don’t need to rush into anything serious,but whatever you do,don’t go online. I’m sure that you have friends and connections, to be able to meet someone’s that way.I read that after someone has died you shouldn’t make any serious decisions within the first year. I know that you will make the right choices

KT, Oh I wish I had the luxury of "waiting a year....." but due to my husband's death 2 months ago my rent has just effectively doubled, and the bills too!  But my pension hasn't!   So I feel I am forced to move or use my savings to stay here.  And  I have registered for benefits/housing/etc. ATB Woods. 

No problem StClair, I hope it helps. I had similar conversations with my wife’s family, instigated by them. They wanted me to be happy and hoped I would meet someone who made me happy, only it turned out that the caveat was”when we are ready”. It can’t be that way, I don’t mean purposefully upset people but we have a right to be happy too, in fact we deserve it, we have been on a terrible journey with our wives. We have seen and heard things that our closest families have no idea about. I am lucky, I have a brother, sister and mum that I trust completely. If they said to me “hold on E, it going too quickly, there’s something we don’t like etc”, I would listen and consider the advice. Fortunately they love my new partner and have no doubts. 
I think I agree to a point with KT, don’t rush things but you will know when you are ready, even if you meet someone, you will know if you are ready or not (they may notice it before you). As for online, I met my partner online and couldn’t be happier but I did need to kiss a frog first (she remained a frog). Please take it easy, know who you can talk to and who will be brutally honest with you, but who will be doing so for your benefit not theirs. 

I am reading your posts with interest. I am no where near this stage yet. My dear husband only passed 7 days ago so I cannot even comprehend about being with anyone else at the minute. After 40 years of being with the one person I don't even know if I could. I'm 60 so no spring chicken in these times seemingly. My husband was 69. It took me long enough to find him. He came to my 21st birthday party which he never intended on coming to in the first place and I said to him see what you would have missed and he joked how unfortunate was he. We had our ups and downs like any couple and at times could see each other far enough but we stuck it out something just kept pulling us back together. He finally lost his cancer battle last Friday after 2 years. Two years ago today (1st July) was when he was officially diagnosed with bowel cancer but was at the time localised and treatable. They got it all out in January last year (2022) but `the beast` decided it wasn't done with him and made an unwelcome return in May last year (2022) more chemotherapy sessions followed which made him quite ill and at one stage damaged his kidneys so had to be stopped completely that was then followed by continuous bouts of sepsis his last being admitted to hospital on June 1st this year and so between that and the sepsis his body finally gave in last Friday. It is very raw for me just now as you may imagine. We haven't even had his funeral yet ongoing covid rules in Scotland means that registering the death is being held up as this all gets done remotely now other than physically going into an office to do this. I think at my age and stage of life if I were to meet someone else it would just be for companionship and if it progressed to romance then that would be a bonus. 

Patty, So sorry to hear of your loss.  I'm a little further down the road, having lost my man almost 2 months ago to lung/brain cancer.  Take care of yourself, take each day one at a time,  talk to him if you need to, cry too - let it out.  There's no rights or wrongs.   Time will help. Much love, Woods.