I forgot how important this forum is to healing...

Hi Martha,

Hopefully voicing your thoughts on this forum will in some small way give a release to the grief that you feel. This is the one place that we know our fellow reader truly understands our heartache.

Your furry companion hopefully gives you the emotional push you need to get out of bed each day...

Don't be too hard on yourself or feel that you are not coping as well as friends and family expect you to. Grief is personal and there is no set time scale that says when we should stop.

Take care 

Mym x

Hi Martha.  Thank you for your post.  Today is two years since Nic's funeral and I've had a difficult day.  The first year was awful, especially as there was probate and switching everything into my sole name.  It was so difficult to have to talk, so soon after his death, to all those people and tell them that Nic had died.  We have to do these things at the worst time of our lives.  So, so hard.

I've done so much over those two years, but still have so much to sort out.  I have good days, more so now that time is passing, but some days just defeat me and I end up in bed reading or mulling over everything.

I don't work now, all thanks to Nic's investments etc, but most days have no purpose.  I mostly feel lost.

My reason for getting out of bed each day is my lovely dog.  Without him I would still be in a stinking bed every day.  He is my light.

I live my life behind a mask of "I'm ok".  I think a lot of us do.

Don't get me wrong, things are better but the hurt is still there and I take each day as it comes.

Hugs to you all x

nicsmrs, 

I can't imagine how it feels after two years; my time will come I guess.

But the first year? Yes, full of crap - particularly the probate and administrative stuff. Some of the stress is the last thing anyone needs.

I've found myself telling people quite openly now that it is not going to get better and that this is it. Some get it, some don't.

Even though it's now just past ten months for me I've done a lot. Been up and down the country, bought somewhere else, because I could, and still go back to the house as and when. But what do I want? We all know the answer to that one.

Work? I'm starting to think about it as I feel I need something to do. If I do things right I maybe wouldn't need to but then I feel I need something to try and get me going a bit. It's difficult.

Your description of the mask, I find, is very accurate. It's like I have developed a persona to, at times, cover things up. When I want to I tell the truth; other times I'm simply 'fine' - when the reality is far from it.

Take care,

WDJ

Hello Martha. So sorry that you have to be here on this forum and that you are still struggling so much. I am 17 months into this journey and, although I feel I am coping with grief and my loss better, I still have days where I feel like I am drowning in grief. There are still days when I wake up and have that knot in my stomach and think "Why me? Why Lin?". I still miss her so much and, unlike you, I don't have a pet so I go for walks and immerse myself in nature. I have friends and family who I see and talk to regularly, but it is not the same is it? I'm sure I will still be having bad days too when it gets to 4 years plus. I can't ever imagine not thinking that I wish she was still here and that I could talk to her, hold her, go away with her and make new memories with her. The grief hasn't gone away, I am just better at coping with it, as I don't cry quite so much now.

Stay strong.

Best wishes,

Derek

Thank you. I've found myself away again from the forum and I really must spend at least a little time everyday here. It helps. But it also makes me remember how cruel cancer is to those who lose a beloved spouse. 

xxx

WDJ,

I understand completely where you are coming from. The first year after Chris died, I was on antidepressants and I think they buffered everything for me. If I had it to do again, I wouldn't have been on them. But the result would have been that I would have been too distraught to help Chris as his journey came to its end. After my Chris died, I got busy with various projects, starting looking for places to live near my daughter (we lived in a remote area in NW Scotland and Chris made me promise to move closer to my daughter). My precious mother-in-law died in January 2020 and the world shut down. It was not a good time for anyone, seriously not good for a new widow. But I made it. And I moved to my new place near my daughter. But with everything I do, I think of Chris. Would he like how I've decorated my place? Would he like the new haircut? Would he like my canine companion? Every thought, every thing I do, I think of Chris.  There are days the thoughts and memories bring smiles and laughter, there are days I do nothing but cry. But I'm still here. 

I know Chris would want more for me. But all I really want is him...

M

xx

Hi Derek,

It's a shame we all have to become a community under these conditions. But I'm so glad we are. Thank you so much for your response.

So much has happened since Chris died. All of it with him in mind. On Friday I got the wonderful news that my UK citizenship application had been approved. I've been here for 22+ years, but could never afford the fee before. I should have been over the moon, but all I could think was how I wish Chris were here to share the good news. When I pledge my oath of allegiance on the 24th, I know I will feel him beside me, cheering for me and being so proud of me. I hope I will be able to fully celebrate this milestone in my life. I hope...

Cheers,

Martha