How do I start again?

I understand about evenings & nights being hard, I’m not so bad with night time as Andy was a tanker HGV driver and worked nights so I spent time alone then. 
weekends I find tough, I plan little jobs about the house to keep me focused.

Tuesdays I hate, it was Andys last day with me at home. GP came out in the afternoon and asked if Andy was ready for ‘just in case’ meds. He was so confused that day, very agitated, Andy agreed. Within 30 minutes of the acute, palliative care team leaving, he slipped away. He waited until I left the room for just 10 minutes.

I try to take comfort that he never wanted to be a burden to me, he didn’t want to be undignified at the end and he wasn’t. He slipped away, pain free.

I do like my own space, I have a fabulous neighbour who’s my closest friend, she has been a rock to me but knows when to leave me be and isn’t offended if I say I want to be alone with my own thoughts & memories (Andy & I moved to rural west Wales 4 years ago to follow our dream so left all close family & friends in Nottingham) 

keep coming back in here for support, I certainly do find it helps as we all understand.

I do have a book, I read the odd page on when I can (can’t concentrate on more than a few pages) it’s ok to not be ok, Megan Devine. Puts a few areas of grief into perspective- including why friends do what they do.

big hug x

I have so many jobs to do around the house, but finding the motivation to do them is nye on impossible. Basic chores is all I'm up to at the moment.

That sounds such a quick and peaceful passing for Andy, I'm glad he didn't suffer and you didn't have to witness any suffering. Owen & I spent Sheila's last night by her bedside and she slipped away the next day peacefully and pain free and I'm grateful for that.

I'm in rural Northern Ireland, but am english and all my family on mainland, so plan to visit often from now on until I decide what I'm going to do, but no major decisions yet.

Music truly is my medicine, I play bass and guitar so can lose myself for hours doing that and now I have no-one here to tell me it's too loud! lol

Take care x

5 months of seeing my big man, Andy (big man as he was 6ft 6”) suffer was enough. He battled like a true soldier & gentleman that he was. I’m sure your beautiful Sheila did the same.

Music really can help, I play our wedding music  (and funeral music for Andy) it had so much meaning from the many concerts we attended over the years. Go for it, okay loud - Sheila will give you a sign to shush I’m sure if it too loud!

I have an old friend (& boss) coming to stay next weekend from Nottingham, she wants to go see our favourite places in West Wales, will he hard but I know she will understand if I have a melt down.

do what you can, when you can on your terms - let family and friends know if you decide to leave early and not to question. We can do this for our loved ones.

Grief is the price we pay for love ️ 

big hug! X

Seeing the one you love suffer is so hard, but Sheila maintained her dignity throughout and I'm so proud of the courage and strength she showed. 

I'm taking some time with family later this week then going to think about starting back at work, in a week or so. I'm lucky that my work is very flexible and they have been brilliant.

West Wales is beautiful, used to holiday there years ago. 

Take care x

I felt compelled to write as I am sharing your pain, my handsome beloved husband was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma and he passed away a year after his diagnosis,  he was 55 , still played rugby and never had a day sick . He was larger than life, big, strong and his laughter was contagious, I feel dead inside and despite that we had adopted 3 young children and I am now in robot mode,  I don't know how I am going to survive. He died in my arms on the 18th of January 2023 at exactly 12:00 pm and I still expected him to turn up ... what else there is to live for now  apart from the children who have been amazing. It's like the world is now black and white, I joined this forum because I feel only people who have experienced that kind of gut wrenching pain understand. Thank you for reading. 

I like that you said Grief is the price we pay for love  but I don't know how I am going to face year after year missing my handsome beloved husband. 

So sorry for your terrible loss Ami, I'm 3 weeks into the journey so don't have much advice to give I'm afraid. I miss my beautiful Sheila every second of every day and my heart is in bits.

The only thing I can take any comfort from is that she is no longer suffering and having to endure the endless cycles of harsh treatment and she passed away on her terms, when she was ready.

Big Hugs

Take care

Colin x

Ami,

I very much like your description of 'robot mode'. I feel that I have been in that for ten months now. Another description could be 'automatic pilot' just cruising along.

Every time I post, I think what if? But it drives me crazy. I go back and forth between what was our home and another place I have bought, which I'm fortunate to do so. However, I always feel that I'm waiting for the door to open and hear "It's Me!" 

I've said it before, and I will continue to do so, this forum is such a strength and a welcoming and warming place. It's just such a sad reason that we are all part of it. I've gained more strength from here than anywhere else truth to be told. And it continues to be the case!

Take care,

WDJ

Thank you Colin , every journey is unique but we all share the loss of true love,  Life on earth will end and we will meet them again for eternity. Sending love and prayers for comfort to all here x

Thank you WDJ, my handsome beloved husband have spend 3 years renovating our beautiful home in France and this place have our sweat, tears and blood but without him , its feel big and empty and despite the children, each day is a struggle to get up. I want to stay because of all our beautiful memories , I want to leave because each time I remember something,  my heart breaks a little more , or what's left of it 

Take care too