How do I start again?

ColinS67,

Where do I/we start? There seem to be quite a number of us finding ourselves in this group in our 50s. But there are those older and younger. It is, simply put, a situation none of us ever saw, or thought, ourselves facing.

I'm now a little over eight months into it. Am I better? Not a chance. There isn't a day goes by without me thinking about what has happened. Sometimes, still, I ask myself has it actually happened! It still seems unreal.

You'll go through a lot in the next few weeks and months. People will 'surprise' you - those who you expect more from may let you down, those who you least expect help you moreso. It's very strange how this happens all too regularly it seems 

On a positive note, I have found this forum to be nothing but a source of strength. Sharing our experiences on here is like nothing else. It's been referred to as a "Club' many a time; one that none of us want to be members of, but we are all the same.

Don't question yourself and don't be worried about telling others how you actually feel when they ask "How are you?" - the most stupid question in these circumstances. But, simply, they just don't understand really.

Take care,

WDJ

I feel you.  I am aged 49 and a widow.  My husband died on 22 January 2023 aged 53 from melanoma.  I wish I could give you comfort but all I can say is you are not alone in this.  There are no shortcuts.  Grief is a healing process.  You can go over it, you cant go under it, you have to go through it.  

I lost my wife on 9th January 2023. She was diagnosed with small cell cancer on 17th November 2022. It was all so quick I still can't believe she is no longer with us. She went to the Doctor in October with stomach pains and was diagnosed with gallstones. We went to the hospital in November for an ultrasound, and to our horror, we were told she had small cell cancer, which was treatable but incurable. Two months later, she passed away. My wife, Sarah, was only 47, and we were so much in love. The pain of losing her is almost unbearable. How does anyone cope with such a tragic loss? I am now a widower at 52 and totally lost with what to do next. I don't put my thoughts or feelings out in the public domain, but I hope posting on the site is a positive first step.

Colin, I feel for you and know how awful a HER2+ Breast Cancer diagnosis is. So sorry yours was so quick in taking your Sheila from you. My Lin died from this in November 2021 after it spread to her brain, having originally being diagnosed in 2007. She so nearly got to the magic 10-year discharge goal when it came back in 2016 and we were told it that it was incurable. Amazingly, thanks to various treatments, she survived another 5 years which we lived to the full when we could, making some lovely memories. This is what we have to cherish now, all those memories to keep in our heart to nourish the love that we still have for them.

I'm afraid I can't say the pain diminishes with time but I think we gradually cope better with it. Do get support where you can, as this can help. I had bereavement counselling and still go to local bereavement cafés, which I have found very helpful.

Take care and stay strong,

Derek

Hey, I too lost my husband at 55 on the 18 th of January,  I am lost and confused,  a fantastic book that helped me is : companion through the darkness but it will be nice to chat. 

Hi Colin,

I feel exactly like you it seems. Where do I start and how do I start without my husband?

I lost my wonderful husband John on 5th December, 2022. He had been diagnosed with oesophageal cancer in September 2021, had surgery and chemo and was told they were going to cure him. He was doing so well until July of last year when he started behaving differently and getting words mixed up. Turned out he had brain metastases. Went through surgery again and was doing well again until November when he suddenly started losing his sight and a few weeks later he was gone.

John was 49 years old and can't believe I'm a widow at 53. We were married for 20 years, didn't have children so now I'm alone in our house wondering how I'm going to carry on without him.

I'm so sorry you've lost your darling wife. Had friends and family from all over Scotland at Johns funeral but like you say as time goes on the phone doesn't ring as much. Just feel lost.

This forum is a great place to either share or just read other people's experiences. I find it helps. Take care of yourself.

Gillian.x

Hi Gillian,

It seems like we are walking pretty much the same path and it's so tough and I feel for you.

I'd been Sheila's carer since she was diagnosed with brain mets last sept so was busy all the time looking after her and there was always something to do. Now she's gone and it's just me at home the silence is deafening and I can't get motivated to do housework etc and sometimes its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning.

I'm fine when there are things to do and with all the admin that needs done, but it's the basic things like getting used to making just one cup of tea, only one portion when I'm cooking, those times really hurt  and I can't see past them at the moment. I'm away to England next week staying with family, then hopefully going to try and ease myself back into work mid March and see how things go, but it's such a struggle right now.

Not having anyone to talk to throughout the day is so hard!

Take care

Colin x

Hi Colin,

I know exactly how you must be feeling. I was Johns carer which was so tough at times but I would do anything to still have him here and be looking after him.

I was kept so busy after he passed with all the admin and funeral arrangements but now it's back to the reality that I'm facing the future on my own and it's hitting hard. Like you I go to make dinner or a cuppa and realise yet again it's just for one not two and it breaks my heart every time.

It'll be good for you to go and see your family Colin. I believe that struggling with the hurt is pretty normal at this stage but I'm not quite ready yet to look ahead. If we take it a day at a time and try to keep busy we'll get there.

Always here for a chat Colin. Take care.

Gillian.x

Hi Colin, sorry you find yourself in this club nobody wants to be apart of. Life can be so cruel.

I lost my lovely husband just 18 days after we married, in October 22. we had the most perfect day. His health then deteriorated very fast, it felt like he could now leave, he’d given his all, fought with all his strength and the support of the medical team to get through the day to leave me with perfect memories.

Andy was eventually diagnosed in May 22 with cancer of unknown primary, unfortunately due to this no treatment was available.

I was his sole carer as well as trying to work full time,  luckily at home. Now, as you say, the silence is deafening, I try to keep busy as best I can, sone days are really tough. Like today, I didn’t want to get up but needed to to look after our furbabies that certainly keep me going. 
Some days are a little better than others, but today feel overwhelmed like it only happened yesterday. I have tears, I feel angry he’s not here when I came back from walking the dogs. I talk to him every day. & I write to him daily in a journal- not for everyone but helps me.

Friends I assumed would be by my side have vanished, not even a text - I’ve come to terms with that now, I don’t need them, my life’s no worse off without them in it. But other friends have really stepped up, are happy to talk about Andy, all the good times and memories we had and let me be honest when I’m really struggling.

Andy was only 53, I’m only 51. I don’t think about the future without him, we never talked about that as we thought we’d have longer together, the nasty cancer had other ideas for us.

I can’t say it gets easier, I’m 5 months along my grief road, as my Macmillan counsellor says, we grow round it not get over it.

it’s ok to not be ok. Keep popping back in here, you will find some comfort I hope from others that are going through the same journey. Take it at your pace.

big hug, Claire x

Hi Claire,

Thank you for your kind message.

I'm so desperately sorry for you, you are so right life can be so cruel. It would have been our 25th wedding anniversary in May and our 23 year old son Owen is graduating from Uni in July, all of which Sheila would have loved, but in the end she was taken so quickly, but I think on her terms, as she decided she'd had enough of treatment and was ready and Owen and I both backed her decision as the long term effects of the treatment would have been even worse for her.

She made me promise some while ago that if it came to it, that if she would be incapacitated and had little quality of life, to do what ever was in my power to hasten her passing. I feel I honoured that promise by commencing palliative care when asked what I wanted to do as it was the only choice I could make, and she was gone within days of taking that step.

I'm also finding that people I assumed would have been in contact haven't been, but others have stepped up, but I think people are giving me space and time to do what I need to do for now.

I'm at a stage, almost 4 weeks since her passing that I've come to terms with the initial shock and am not in bits every time I see her photo or think about her, but of course I'm having plenty of tough times particularly evenings and nights alone at home when Owen isn't here. The anger I initially felt has dissipated a little as the realisation of what life would have been like for her if treatment had continued was way worse and that provides some comfort that I did the right thing.

Chat to you soon and massive hug

Colin x