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Claireh,

I'm 51 too. There are those younger but did I ever think I'd be a widower at this age? Absolutely not. It's just numbing as you say.

There are days, like today, that I drive to the shop, sit in the house, do some things and think what the hell has happened. Occasionally, I still expect the door to open and to hear "It's me" and I'd go and put the kettle on. It's just so hard. The realisation that it has really happened is still so hard to accept.

I've decided to move away for a while to see if that works. I'll be closer to family but is that what I really want? I already know the answer to that one!

Whatever the outcome, for us all, we can only keep going. I know that's what everyone of our loved ones would want but, my, it's so hard to do.

Take care,

WDJ

Thank you for replying, as awful as it is I’m glad this group understands.

long time friends have just vanished / not even a message to say thinking of you - I’m no worse off them not being in my life! I know they just don’t know what to say, but they could try I guess!

I also long for that door to open, and still think it might in a morning as my Andy worked nights, so I was used to being on my own in an evening. I still put the porch light on in a morning out of habit I guess, so he can see to come in!

one step at a time I guess we have to do.

thank you  x

I've had the same with friends, they just stopped calling and texting after my husband's funeral. They just don't know what to say. I get it's difficult but all I need most of the time is a chat.

I feel really let down by one friend in particular even though I was there for her when her husband cheated at anytime of day or night and this was while my husband was having treatment. She's not been there at all for me. Took her a week to text me when he passed. Didn't even bother coming to his funeral and she was my husband's friend as well. I guess you find out who your true friends are when someone passes.

I get thr porch light, I still wake up in the morning and reach out to my husband and his not there and my heart breaks a little bit more.

It's only been 6 weeks for me so still incredibly rawz I've never felt pain like it.

Yes, friends and colleagues are a strange one in these circumstances.

The good ones keep in touch is how I am now seeing it. I have two former colleagues who constantly ask how I am. They are the ones who matter. Some friends however have surprised me to say the least! 

I like to think it's because they don't know what to say but I'm now leaning towards I don't care if they ask or not, which is a tad sad. 

Dru,

I fear this pain will be with us forever. In some ways that thought gives me comfort. Regardless of what happens in my life, in the future, there will never be anything like what I have had in the near thirty past years. Never.

I too was taken aback by some who never attended my wife's funeral. One very good friend and no colleagues from the department I worked in. Some others from the organisation but none from the department. I'll never forget that.

I don't have a porch light but I still put the bedside light on. I also say goodnight. 

Sadly, no-one else really understands what we are going through.

Take care, 

WDJ

It’s just coming up to 5 weeks since my Claire passed so everything’s still very raw for me. I have a photo of her on the pillow next to mine from our wedding day back in July - just 8 days after we were told about the tumour - that I kiss goodnight and good morning every day. It’s heartbreaking every morning when I wake up and see she is no longer next to me physically any more. Funeral is on Monday and I know it’s really going to hit me hard after that is over

I have a wooden heart that the hospice told me about that I later found in his things. I find it comforting knowing he held it in his hand. I kiss it good night and good morning. I also have a photo blanket that I got for Christmas which are all photos of my husband so I sleep with that every night. Or when I actually sleep!

PGB,

We all know what you mean.

The day of my wife's funeral however gave me some comfort. Perhaps it was because we were surrounded by those who care, some of whom travelled several hundred miles to be there.

The kiss goodnight never ends. I still blow a kiss, night and morning. I say goodnight every night. I pass photos in the house and blow a kiss to them too. I talk to them all of the time.

The days after are hard. I'm not sure about that time helps yet. There are days now when I feel worse than I did what feels like an eternity gone by. Others have shown that even after years it doesn't change. Like as what has been said by others, it is the price we pay for so much being in love.

Monday will be a day of much emotion for you.

Take care, 

WDJ

Hi Claireh

It is numbing, scary, heartbreaking and unbelievably sad.

My husband, Chris, died on 10 October 2022, only 25 days after diagnosis.

I am shocked and stunned by how quickly he died. I find it hard to process.

I could never have imagined I'd be a widow at 45, Chris had just turned 59. We had 28 amazing years together and I can't believe we won't have any more.

I'm going through the motions of each day but I'm only existing, not living. It's so difficult as our plans and dreams for the future are gone. ,I don't know how to be "me" without "us".

None of us will be the same as we were, but take comfort from everyone on these forums who know what each other is going through. 

For Chris, I try to have the strength to carry myself with the grace and dignity he did so effortlessly. Chris is the love of my life, the light in the darkness and his love, our love, will carry me until the last beat of my heart.

Lonelypanda 

Your line there about not knowing how to be “me” without “us” sums it up beautifully for me too. 

My Claire passed on 3rd December after diagnoses at the end of July so it was also very quick - though nowhere near as quickly as for you. We were together 22 years from when I was 19 years old so my whole adult life and who I am as a person is completely wrapped up in who we were together. It’s a big cliche but I really do feel like half of me has died with her. 

Just numb and going through the motions as you said too. Life is so cruel - my Claire was just 46 and I am now a widower at 41