I am heartbroken. I'm not sure I can get through life without the one person who loved me so deeply and made me whole.
I have great friends but it doesn't stop the overwhelming fact that I am now alone. I am existing in a life that I don't want. My dreams shattered and an empty future ahead. I feel scared, lonely, anxious. I could never have imagined that at 45 I would find myself without my Chris.
On 10 October, only ten weeks ago, my wonderful husband and soulmate died at the age of 59 from small cell lung cancer, only 25 days after diagnosis.
We met in 1994 and very quickly fell in love. Everyday of our 28 years together was filled with love and laughter. All our friends always said they'd never met a couple so deeply in love.
In March 2020, Chris was diagnosed with genetic haemochromatosis after collapsing at home and blood tests showed his iron levels were off the chart. He had to wait 8 months for treatment as hospitals were only treating covid patients.
He was in pain, fatigued but unable to sleep and was unable to keep fit or play golf, two of his passions.
In November that year he started the gruelling treatment of having 16 pints of removed in the space of 20 weeks. This added to his fatigue but once his iron levels started to drop his energy returned and he was back on track with getting his fitness back and able to live life to the fullest, despite knowing that treatment was going to be for the rest of his life he didn't let it get him down and had a pint of blood taken every month.
At the start of August this year Chris started to feel a bit breathless and his GP said his iron levels had risen so booked him in for more venesection. His breathing got slightly worse so he was given antibiotics and he seemed to be getting better. Two weeks later he felt breathless again, his voice was hoarse and he had chest pain. Again he was given more antibiotics.
On the morning of 5th September he felt really unwell and he could only speak a couple of words at a time before struggling to catch his breath. We went to A&E and they did blood tests. Things got concerning then as Chris was referred immediately to the Same Day Emergency Care team who told him they suspected he had a blood clot in his lung.
They gave him a blood thinning injection as a precaution and sent him for an x-ray. This showed a large shadow in the middle of his chest and lower left lung. An emergency CT scan was done.
The next day we were told to go in for the results, but Chris said he knew it wouldn't be good news as when he had the CT he saw lots of people crowding around the screen.
The results came back that it was lung cancer. We went home devastated, not knowing what would happen next. We tried to stay positive but Chris was starting to really struggle and we had to get a wheelchair as he was unable to walk without gasping for breath.
On 15th September the consultant confirmed that Chris had advanced small cell lung cancer. We asked about treatment but were told it was too advanced and that palliative care was the only option.
We cried so much and couldn't believe that in a short space of time our lives were turned upside down.
Chris was given morphine and steroids to help with the pain. We went out everyday, me pushing Chris in his chair so we could try and enjoy every minute we had left, not knowing how long that would be. He truly loved being outside so he could feel the sun on his face.
He struggled to eat so had nutrition drinks but enjoyed lots of ice cream. He quickly started to lose weight, losing 3 stone in 3 weeks. He kept apologising, saying he was sorry that I had to shower him, help him dress and help him on the commode.
I told him everyday that I loved him, that he didn't have to say sorry and that I would look after him. Whatever that entailed I would help him keep his dignity. As a proud Army veteran he hated not being able to care for himself.
He started to sleep more, got confused and agitated but still had a smile and kiss for me.
On 10 October Chris was very confused in the morning, talking about random things. I called our GP who made a home visit but honestly was useless.
I managed to calm Chris down. He fell over so I picked him up and carried him to the front room and made him comfortable on the settee. He lay with his head on my shoulder, held my hand, said he would always love me his beautiful wife but he was tired.
I told him that I was the luckiest person in the world and I loved him and that he’s my world. I was so grateful he truly loved me. I told him that it was okay to go if he'd had enough. His breathing then started to slow.
I continued talking to him, telling him he was an amazing husband. So brilliant. So funny, so kind, so friendly. So beautiful. So active and so loved by people. And he chose me, wow. He was so good to me, did so much for me, he took care of me in a thousand ways.
He then took his final breath, was no longer in pain and at peace.
People say remember the good times and that is what breaks my heart as everyday was good. We had a great life, great marriage and such a strong relationship and friendship. We held hands all the time, even fell asleep holding hands with our foreheads touching. We truly completed each other.
For Chris, I try to have the strength to carry myself with the grace and dignity he did so effortlessly. Chris is the love of my life, the light in the darkness and his love, our love, will carry me until the last beat of my heart.
