My 1st Xmas alone too

My husband also had glioblastoma died Oct 3rd

 Today I had a counselling session and was recommended to focus on all the good memories which are with us eternally , and not dwell on his sickness or guilt I feel 

 For Xmas we are going away to England, myself, 2 older kids 25 and 28  altogether and  stepson 37  to spend with my family. We didn't go to England so often for Xmas, but my husband really enjoyed it and last time was Dec 2019. There isn't much Spanish family here, so England will be good. I arrive just before the Border control strikes

. I am hoping we can spend some time together thinking of him and the good times and that  will help us in our grief. 

Lots of love to all mourning our partners. 

Hi Derek, haven’t been on here for a while but  felt compelled to do so now at 2.30am having tried to sleep without much success. This is also my 2nd Christmas without my one and only true love Sharon. She passed 17/11/21 and like you my brain was mashed last Christmas and whilst I struggled I’m finding this Christmas much more difficult. The past week or so I’ve had several major emotional (crying) fits at various times of the day/night. We met much later in life and had been married just 15months when Sharon lost her fight. I’ve always enjoyed the build up to Christmas the shopping with the lights, music, people shopping for gifts, etc… this year if I see an older couple holding hands I just fall apart, same with hearing particular moving carols. I simply cannot wait for the season to be over and done with. Last year I refused all invites for Christmas Day, I knew I’d be a mess and was not prepared to make everyone around me miserable. This year the plan is for me to go to my brothers on Xmas day and, whilst I intend to be there I’ve recently told him I cannot guarantee I’ll go when the day comes. Words just cannot explain how totally devastated I am and completely lost with the one lady I ever truly loved. Was married 32 years, a very difficult marriage for me, my first wife was very controlling and the mental & physical abuse put me in counselling for 18 months when I finally left her !

In Nov 2015 I met Sharon and in doing so finally found what true genuine love really is, very quickly we became inseparable, We simply revelled in simply being together and swore to each other we’d never take each other for granted, and we didn’t. I loved every moment we were together. The being alone (not lonely) and feeling totally lost is just overwhelming me completely, we constantly showered each other with displays of affection regardless of who may be around us. Obviously I now desperately miss such signs of affection which makes me feel like my life is totally empty.

The getting up each morning and putting on “the face” and the response of “I’m doing OK”  is so very difficult when inside my heart is literally in bits. Sorry to just ramble on about my situation and my desperation, but after 14months  I feel worse now than I did this time last year.

I truly hope that many of you on this site will be able to find peace, comfort and maybe even happiness this Christmas.

My best wishes for a good Christmas to you all.

Paul

Hi Paul

yes like you once again no sleep 

your post says it all such sweet tender words showing absolutely pure devotion to your wife Sharon

i lost my Paul to lung cancer on 24th July this year

lik everyone I’m totally utterly devastated 

fit hard working farmer gone…. He always said we have a plan we’ll get through it sadly not

ive never coped since his diagnosis but somehow in his presence kept it together he once said he didn’t want me to cry ( this said during  my outpouring of tears) I suppose he was right seeing me upset when he was hurting must’ve been too much for him

like you my Paul loved Christmas the busyness the hassle music everything now no more

like you if I go out I see couples 

couple holding hands 

couples older than us

couples in cars

couples in Motorhome’s ( we had one )

im a total wreck married 44 years and my DNA had been snatched away

we always went away the day after Boxing Day till day after new year usually London ( in motorhome)

id planned booked stuff now nothing

cant help thinking we’d be doing this now or …..

the day my Paul died my life ended like all of us on here

unless you’ve experienced’this’ you just have no idea of the sheer hurt numbness aloneness heartache and sheer devastation of our loved ones passing 

im dreading Christmas new year everything I take it hourly …… can’t even cope with tomorrow or next week

ive spent the weekend in tears ….. yes cry when I go to bed for hours

ive lost my one love and yearn for my life back sadly no

like you I’ve rambled my head sliver my heart in bits

im having counselling no magic wand a listening ear helping me manage  or trying to

Like us all I had no idea what Paul’s passing would mean my mind wouldn’t / couldn’t let me even think about it I was so intent and focused on getting Paul through it

he worked right up to 5 weeks before passing a real hero he saw work as a way to manage

hed put his overalls on go on the farm ‘normal’ far from it but he was a hero

love to you and everyone 

we get it ……. Folks not experienced’this’ just dont

couples just don’t know what lies ahead of them

cant say have a good Christmas all I can say I hope everyone on here survives somehow  …… our loved ones would want that

but it’s so bloody hard and painful

xx

Hi Bess, thanks for your reply. I find it gets harder each day in the run up to Christmas Day. I really thought this second Christmas without Sharon would be a little easier, instead it’s much worse. I’m fortunate that I have an excellent psychologist I see every couple of weeks, he lost his long term partner suddenly just 8 months before I started to see him, and so he gets it completely which helps. He told me several months ago that you never get over the loss of your soulmate, it is a case of adapting to your new life and this can take a long time.

Now I find I’m in turmoil just thinking about how I will get through another Christmas, I know Sharon would want me to get on and try hard to enjoy my life, and I tell myself this but as others have said it is so much easier said than done. I know on Xmas Day I’d really like to shut myself away from everyone and spend it with my thoughts of me and my one true love. In fact I still have Sharon’s cremains in their urn at home with me, I just cannot face letting her go despite the fact we have a beautiful plot at the local crem that I designed and already has commemorative plaques on for Sharon.

As I type this my emotions are beginning to overwhelm me once more so I’ll sign off and go give Sharon a big cuddle.

Best wishes to all,

Paul x

Hello Tillys Dad,

I'm in tears reading your posts this morning, my heart really goe out to you.
I lost my lovely husband, Andy in October this year just 18 days after we got married quickly as he was so poorly
We also met in later in our lives on NYE 2013, we too were inseparable, we were very happy as our own little island, in our own little world as we used to say. He was my everything, my soul mate, my missing jigsaw piece.

My first Christmas without my big man, Andy. I have put the tree up as he loved all things Christmas (right now I could go and kick it down and smash it up in the front garden, I won't though as I will be the only one who has to pick it up and he would be so cross with me) Only the 2 of us, no family local and no Children.
Then need to get through NYE - I'm having a party with my 2 lovely neighbours and we are cooking all the things he loved to eat.  

I know its early days still for me, hate the long days of the weekends but not been too bad this weekend, then today I'm in floods of tears. Last week we were snowed in (rural West Wales) and the icy roads stopped all deliveries including my wood for the firs and the oil for the heating and water - then early yesterday we had the water cut off due to burst mains in the village and its still off now. Its pushed me to breaking point - I'm trying to laugh about it as Andy would just say - nothing you can do about it, sit tight.

I'm trying to work a few hours each day to distract me, but can't focus today at all - want to crawl back under the duvet with the dogs and stay until next year but I know Andy will be willing me to carry on.

I too have Andy home with me now, I have a little candle lit for him everyday, not a shrine but I can't bear to part with him yet, I will know when the time is right.

I hope you get through this Christmas ok without your lovely Sharon, we are all still here in this awful club we don't want to be a part of and all know what we are going through. I would be lost without it at the moment.

Big hugs to you and everyone xxxx

Tillys Dad,

I too, as the 25th approaches, seem to be so up and down with my emotions. The slightest thing: music everywhere, the stuff on TV and radio, the usual comments in shops and from friends, etc. What really did it this morning however was, when clearing out some more paperwork, I came across the Christmas card I gave my wife last year. I was in bits! She couldn't get me one last year, not that I needed one, as she was too unwell so this one means even more.

It's just crap!

Take care everyone,

WDJ