And now its silent its deafening!

Hello Claireh I am so sorry to read about what you are going through and your husband’s passing. I have not experienced the loss of a husband and it’s something we all dread. They do say when you lose someone you get tied up with organising the funeral and all the legal things and that consumes your time that you do at least have something to concentrate on. Then it comes to a full stop and everyone has gone and gets on with their own lives. My second husband lost his first wife from cancer after 33 years of marriage and can relate to friends who he thought were friends just didn’t call anymore. But he still had some good friends who would phone once a week just to say hello. I think sometimes people mistakenly avoid those grieving as they worry that they might make you upset. But you ARE UPSET and nothing can make it worse. When my mum passed away after years of dementia her house had to be sold and I couldn’t find her deeds and all sorts of problems came up and I was so cross and couldn’t grieve. What it has made me realise is we must put everything in order so that our families who will be grieving when we have gone are not going through such unexpected stress. You know you are very early in the loss of your husband and I know people say time is a great healer. I think you are just going through the motions of just getting through the day. When my aunt lost her husband she rang a very well known helpline and the first thing they asked was can she donate as they cannot have people ring for free! Maybe your doctor can help with any support groups in your area. That can sometimes help but it’s knowing what you really need or want from support. I worked for a mental health organisation and our support groups help some tremendously as they could open up their feelings and talk about it but some hated it as they wanted to get away from talking about it and talk about normal things. I have a neighbour who lost her husband after 45 years three years ago and now every Friday we met for coffee and she does get involved with what is in the community and she is in her mid seventies but she still won’t tell us her age bless her! You probably feel cheated because you are much younger but I think you know right now you cannot see the future none of us can. I hope each day that passes you will find a little bit more of strength and ways to fill your void and find peace Julie x

Thanks Jaycee12,

Sorry to hear you have had to go through loss too, it a wicked world we live in sometimes, so cruel,

We had only been married 18 days when he passed away - we had the most perfect day and Andy put all his strength and energy into that day to make it perfect. After that his health took a very quick turn and we didn't get time to put everything in order - I didn't even know his phone passcode or passwords to the laptop/emails etc, i never needed to know.

I actually don't want those friends in my life, I'm ready for them when they say they want to come and stay! they can do one as they never wanted to come when Andy was alive, despite us inviting them on many an occasion so they can do one!

I do feel we have been robbed of our future your right.

The hospice we went to once keep in touch, I'm not religious but find great comfort that on of the Sisters still reach out to me and invites me along to sit with her in a sacred place, just for a change of scenery and kind words of comfort. That really helps and I'm going along to the sacred site next week, they have lots of temples and rescued animals, including a few elephants - yup - in rural West Wales! The Sister believes it will be useful for me to connect with the animals as they have inner peace.

Lots of love  xxx

Hi Claire 

I totally get what you say about the silence. I try to fill my time as much as I can between working and time with my five grandchildren (all three and under) because they fill the house with sound. I’m trying to keep busy but that in itself is exhausting so I need to find away to be comfortable in the house on my own but as you say the silence is deafening. I put the tv on or music mostly but it doesn’t help does it? I am lucky to have family and friends around but everyone is so busy and I know they all think that I’m doing better than I am. 
I have literally no plans this weekend and even though I have errands that I need to run chores to do I can’t seem to get out out of bed or stop the tears. 
It’s been 13 months since I lost my Dave and I know he’d hate me being like this. 
i also have to go to a funeral soon and it’s the first time I will have been back there since Daves funeral - really dreading it and not sure how I’m going to get through it but it’s a very old family friend so I have to do it. I guess these “firsts” are going to keep coming up for years. 
I’m happy you are going to stay in your “home” People kept asking me if I’d move - I think because Dave was at home when he died - but there’s no way I ever want to leave this house. It was and always will be our HOME. 
I am a similar age to you (slightly older at 53) and as you say we could potentially have another 30+ years ahead. How are we going to get through them ? I honestly can’t imagine it but I suppose somehow we will with be ups and downs along the way. 
Hugs to everyone out there in this boat x x

I agree the silence is overwhelming.

My amazing husband, Chris, died on 10th October and time is so strange - it feels like yesterday but also as if it happened ages ago.

The first couple of weeks went by in a blur. Organising the funeral, celebration of Chris' life, flowers and admin/paperwork. I was surrounded by the love and support of our friends. 

The next few weeks I just got by hour by hour, watching TV but I couldn't tell you what was on. I slept a lot throughout the day.

The past two weeks I've tried to get into a routine of housework, shopping - all the things my husband used to do as he had retired early at 52 and took on running the home whilst I worked.

I have started riding my bike again in the hope that exercise will help me to sleep - it's not working yet and I just want a good night's sleep.

I'm returning to work in two weeks, just a few hours each day working from home and will phase back to full time over the next few months. 

I try to meet friends for a walk, go for coffee and even visit them for food once a week so I'm not eating on my own all the time.

All the above has just been a way of distracting my brain and stopping me from overthinking.  

Evenings are horrendous, from about 6pm onwards I feel so alone. Even with TV or music on I feel lost and count down the hours until I can go to bed. When my husband was alive moments of peace and quiet were bliss, now I hate it. The silence is deafening.

I'm 45, Chris had just turned 59, and the thought of all the years ahead of me is so hard. We were together for 28 years and had so much happiness, fun and laughter.

I feel like everything in my life will now just be a distraction from how heartbroken I am. Friends say I'll learn to adapt, but not sure how to do that as my world has been torn apart, my future hopes and dreams gone.  

I love my home and will never move as I do feel comforted being surrounded by the beautiful memories of our lives together - just wish we could have had many more. I am very lucky to have known Chris' love for our 28 years. I never could have imagined being widowed at 45 - it's such a cruel thing to happen.

Sending you blessings and peace xx

Oh Lonelypanda, your reply, mirrors everything I am also feeling.

The evenings and weekends are the worst, i try to fill them with pottering around, yesterday I went for a long walk with our dogs, came home did all the house work, pottered some more then had a lovely shower and sat down about 3.30pm. Like you, having a few hours to sit was a rare thing when Andy was here. by 6pm I was stir crazy, the night laying ahead of me soooo long.
I tried to watch a film - no idea what it was about, couldn't get into a book. Went to bed around 10am and just laid staring into space, listening to the silence and the dogs gentle breathing. 

I'm sure we will find a way, what ever that road maybe. My Andy wouldn't want me sitting about, but then we never spoke about what he would want for me after he passed - it all happened a bit too quick, we really thought we had so much more time.

I have 9 years of very happy memories (we met later in life and only married 18 days before Andy passed away) and you have 28 years with Chris but that doesn't help us get through each hour does it and see a future without them in it making more memories.

Its can be a cruel world, and like you being a young widow (I hate that word!) makes it feel wicked!

Big hug to you lovely xxx