The pain of loss

Hi Jarred 

I’m sorry you’ve had to join this ‘club’. Heartbreaking to be in it but a life saver to be able to talk to people that just get it. 
We all do the what ifs and what now’s  so I guess it’s part of grieving and probably something we will do for a long time to come - if not forever  

I lost my husband 13 months ago, he was 60 so although he was still young our children were at least grown up. But even in the short time he’s been gone he’s missed the birth of two grandchildren and two weddings. It’s times like these that I find the hardest. I don’t suppose the special occasions will ever be quite the same, as the person we want to share the moments with is missing, so maybe we just have to make the occasions look different? I don’t have the answers but this is how I’m trying to get through them  

It’s great that you and your boys are supporting each other through this. We all say “I’m fine” when asked when mostly we are anything but. But we’re British, we’re stoic, it’s what we do. I just hope that you have someone that you can be honest with your feelings about as sometimes you just have to let it all out.

Take care 

Jillian

Hi Jarred, my husband died 7 months ago today. Like you Marc and i didnt really talk much about him actually dying - it wasnt until 5 days before he left that he told me passwords etc so i could get into his PC - thank goodness we did that though. Our boys are 24 and 25 and have both left home, so i am rattling along on my own and like you, grief overwhelms me. I am learning to say "I'm ok not being ok" which for me means i am getting on with things, coping if you like, but its just not the same as i've lost my soulmate - and he was only just 53. 

I have an amazing counsellor and am a member of a group for widows and widowers - both are really helpful in terms of connecting with people who really understand. 

Marc and i were together for 23 years so i really am having to learn how to be me, rather than part of the best team in the world (i would say that) BUT i am so lucky to have had those amazing years and we had so many adventures and now so many wonderful memories. 

My counsellor suggested i create a memory box which i am now doing. Perhaps that might help you and your children - then you can get it out and all remember your wife together - so far i have put in there his passport, wallet, some photos, order of service from the funeral, all the lovely cards the boys and i were sent. I just put things in as i think of them. 

You are not on your own - unfortunately there are lots of going through similar things. 

I owe it to Marc to carry on and be happy and i hope that one day i will be - i just can't look that far ahead yet. 

Look after yourself. 

Juliet 

Jarred,

I find it incredible, and at the same time a sense of comfort, that many of us didn't speak about it. I think this, looking back, is/was out of hope that a positive outcome would be the result. For many it is; we are the ones, however, that it is/was not.

You, I, we, have to try and find some strength. But my how difficult that is at times. Family play their part, friends too. But, unless they have been through it, they cannot understand.

The response of "ok" is exactly as you state - a 'standard' response. It's polite but others just don't get what we are feeling.

This group is fantastic. If only we were such under a very different experience.

Take care,

WDJ

Thank you Jillian

Thank you it is good to hear how you are all coping wtih similar situation. It really is one day at a time

Thank you, yes to share with people who understand makes such a difference

It's so tough. I still can't believe my husband won't be back, as though there still might be a chance it was a bad dream

 It's a companionship to write here and see we are sharing the same heart ache,

See that  for others as well we didn't have that deep conversation but we're kept going and didn't look death in the eye til our loved ones passed away and actually I haven't really done it now.

I haven't envisioned my life without my husband. Will be 7 weeks on Monday.

My biggest condolences to all .

I haven't touched her clothes, especially the ones she folded and put into the cupboard. Her glass is still standing on the bedside table...it feels like removing part of her if I did. I know I eventually will, but it for me feels too soon

There is no timescale for this. Daves guitars are still in their stands in our bedroom, his slippers still at the side of the bed…. I have moved some of his clothes but only managed to store them in a suitcase as I can’t bring myself to get rid of them yet. Do not let anyone tell you when you need to do it. Just when it feels right for you. 
Take care x