It was one year yesterday since my Lin succumbed to this cruel disease, and I still feel so alone even though I have close family nearby plus friends I see every one to two weeks. Although the pain hasn't gone I do feel I have learnt to cope better with my feelings of grief. I know we can't turn the clock back but I would give anything to feel her arms around me once more. My daughter suggested we did something together yesterday, so we both went to the zoo which did help lessen my thoughts being preoccupied with last year. It was still such a tough day though.
I have house projects on the go which we had both planned to do when I retired last year, so I am carrying on with that because I feel she would have wanted me to do so. But it is so hard without her beside me discussing things and making decisions on decor etc. My bereavement counselling will be ending after Christmas and I don't know how I will be without that. Hopefully I can move forward without it. Christmas, it will never be the same again but I do have grandchildren who will be one of my main focuses for the holiday period.
One thing that has helped with this anniversary is that I have made donations to cancer related charities that were of help to Lin battling the disease for 14 years, and I find that makes feel a little better knowing that I am hopefully contributing to being able to help other people in their fight with this awful disease.
I just have to hope that I will continue to be able to cope better and better without her, but it is so, so hard.
Stay strong everyone,
Derek
This is a poem I wrote to LIn before we were married and had printed on the funeral order of service. It still sums up how I feel about her.
When I waken,
I breathe lipstick-kissed air.
When I wash,
I feel skin-soft water.
When I eat,
I taste scented smile.
When I drink,
I swallow silk-smooth tears.
When I sleep,
I see you forever in my dreams.
