Nearly 7 months since I lost the love of my life. After a 12 month illness I wasn’t prepared for him to go. We never talked about the future or his wishes. No definitely haven’t moved on. I seem to be worse in my grief at the moment. I’ve been made redundant so I’m at home with no focus. I can’t read because I can’t remember what I’ve just read once I’ve turned the page. I struggle to watch any tv if I have to concentrate. Though I do watch Strictly as it’s my programme. I don’t watch the news because it irritates me & makes me sad in equal measure. I do the housework On auto pilot and I plan/shop & cook meals for my children. I look after my dog who is also still moping after my husband & we have a new puppy who is hard work but is lots of fun & has filled a little bit of the void but my heart is broken & I can’t get rid of the ache that’s inside of me. I laugh from time to time , we talk about the good times & we relive some of the awful last weeks of my husbands illness. We talk about maybe selling the house where we might move to and where we would like to go on holiday but then my boys go about their lives, go off to work college out with friends etc and I sob. Then I pull myself together decide to have a clear out get a bag of stuff for charity shop and I feel good and helpful. Then a thought comes into my mind about the lovely man I’ve lost and I’m back sobbing again. I go out sweep up some leaves in the garden potter in the shed, cut back a plant or 2 have another sob. Make a call, do a bit of washing/ironing & hoover the bedroom & have another sob. I catch sight of myself in the mirror & think “look at the state of you”. I put my make up on & try to look decent but inside the ache is still there. Every day it’s the same do this, do that, sob repeat but it’s the new normal for me now. I’m sure my husband wouldn’t want me to be like this but it’s my loss & my grief and I had to be strong for him and cry in the shower every day while he was Ill & dying. Now I can sob wherever I am in the house unless I have company and then I wait until I’m alone. It’s almost 7 months & billions of tears but it’s how I get through each day and how I manage to carry on.
love & hugs to all members of this widows/widowers club. We never wanted to join but we can help each other along the way x
