Sudden loss of my husband

Dear Coco65, so very sorry and saddened by your loss. Lost my wife of 15 months just 11 months ago and like many on this forum we all fully understand your feelings, questions, etc... Sadly the facts are grief is all consuming at it will take a little time before you may be able to try and make sense of anything. What you need now is the very close support of family and/or friends. The best way of relief is to let your emotions free and not to bottle them up, a big cry often brings some relief. I was recommended a book by friends which I found helped me understand many of the feelings and emotions that you now face, it is: "On Grief & Grieving" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. I still use this book as a reference even now. You will also find lots of help and support using the superb services offered by Macmillan, these forums alone are really good to offload your feelings and emotions to people who understand exactly what you are going through. 

Wishing you lots of love and support going forward, it takes time but you will find the overwhelming pain you feel will start to ease as time goes by.

Best Wishes and deepest condolences.

Paul

Hi,

So sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.

I lost mine nearly 5 years ago in similar circumstances. He had a full ache in his shoulder and our gp prescribed pain killers. It got worse and one morning I had to call an ambulance. In A&E they did blood tests and an X-ray and said there was a mass on his lungs. Further tests in hospital confirmed it was lung cancer and it had spread to his ribs, hence the pain. He did start treatment which sounded promising in giving him 'a few more years'. He died 9 weeks later.

This is very early days for you, and I just wanted to assure you that you will get through things. In the beginning you just can't imagine how, but slowly, sometimes very slowly, you do move forward.

It's very different for everyone. I started clearing his things quite quickly, but only bits at a time. For me, it was part of accepting that he had gone, but I know others who don't do it for ages, and that's ok too.

I found talking about him helped me. I accepted any help offered, but I know some people need time alone. 

I felt overwhelmed by everything I had to do, but people are mainly very helpful, in banks, gov. depts etc etc. You will manage these things even if you don't think you will.

I have suffered with anxiety from time to time for many years, and a few months after his death I decided it was time to seek help and I did a course of CBT on the NHS. That was helpful. 

18 months ago I lost my mum and I contacted Cruse Bereavement Care as it seemed to bring back stuff from my husband death. I did a course of bereavement counselling with them. It had to be on the phone because of Covid, but again, it helped a lot.

Take it slowly, don't expect too much of yourself and believe it will get better.

Sending you a virtual hug x

I’m so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband nearly 4 weeks ago, suddenly and unexpectedly and like you I’m struggling to comprehend what has happened and really can see a way to get past how I feel.  I spoken to Macmillan support line a few time and  Marie Curie and this seems to help but I keep replaying everything in my head 

Tomorrow will be 3 years and 9 months since my husband died. When I read your post, Coco65, I feel the pain, the despair and the total sense of loss that I, too, experienced when my husband died. His death was not sudden like your husband's. We had 13 months from diagnosis but his death was brutal for me. How do we move on from something like this? What I've discovered is that life moves us on. We never forget, and we never stop loving the person. We just realize that one day, we cry less and, though the pain may remain, it somehow allows us to do what has to be done. But, for now, try not to project into the future, near or far. For the moment, just feel what you have to feel. I know that for  a long time I was just emotions. I know, we all know, how broken you feel. A part of us will always be broken; death will have changed us forever. How long it will take you to feel a semblance of yourself again, I can't say, but, as everyone else has done, I, too, will encourage you to speak your grief, to get help from whatever source suits you best, to continue writing on the forum if you feel the need to. This forum held me up when I was  at my lowest. I hope you will find the support you need.

My heart goes out to you and I truly am sorry for your loss.

Thank you  

Thank you so much ️

I am sorry for your loss. This is so hard isn’t it. There is no way to avoid this so I guess we just have to try and work through it one way of another. Hopefully being able to connect to others here will help ️

Thank you everyone for taking the time to message me. I am so sorry you have all been in the same situation but I take comfort that others know how I am feeling. This forum will help me and it givesme a feeling of security knowing I am not alone with this ️

You are definitely not alone in this. In the beginning, I found such help from this forum. Until you go through an experience like this, you can't really understand it. I was so good to know that I wasn't going mad! It was also nice to read how others were dealing with things, even if I didn't want to do the same.

I don't come on here very often now, but sometimes it's just nice to check in, partly to reassure myself that I'm doing ok, and also, hopefully to offer some encouragement to those of you who are only at the beginning.

I would definitely use the forum as much as you need and feel free to take a break and come back whenever you need to.

Hope things go smoothly for you whatever you are doing x

Don't worry too much about replaying things in your head, I think it's normal. I found Wednesday evenings hard for quite a while as that was my husband's last one.

Over time, you seem to stop doing it naturally. I guess it's part of processing the huge thing that's happened.

For me, I'm nearly 5 years down the line, so if I find myself 'replaying', I make myself stop, as at this point I don't think it's helpful. It doesn't happen very often though.

Accept any help you:re offered, and use this forum, or helplines as you are doing. After my mum's death last year, I did find Cruse very helpful too, but I think it's too soon for you at the moment.

All I can say is that it really does get easier with time. X