Anybody angry today?

So sorry that you’re feeling angry at yourself. I don’t think I’ve hit that stage yet but I’m sure it’ll come at some point. I’m sure that you did absolutely everything that you could for Rob but I also know that no matter what anyone says only you can work through these emotions and that no matter what anyone else says you will blame yourself. 
I’m still at the guilt stage - I feel like I should’ve been able to do something to make him still be here. It’s not that I ever gave up on him but maybe I should’ve researched trials or alternatives. When told by the oncologist that there weren’t any prostate cancer trials I accepted that was the case. Why didn’t I push  more? In my rational times I know it’s because I didn’t want Dave to suffer for any longer than he had to and didn’t want him putting himself through more hurt just so that i could hang onto him for a bit longer but still. This grief malarkey is certainly a rollercoaster  

Take care and try not to be too hard on yourself Donna 

Jillian x 

Thanks Jillian,

I think there is a fine line for me between guilt and angry. I do feel guilty I couldn't keep him alive, as he was on end of life care at home for 11 weeks, told he "had weeks not months to live"  (not bed ridden) during lockdown we didn't let anybody take on anything, even visiting, he said no, said not allowed, keeping us and them safe, I am sure he had other reasons too, maybe protecting them, but now I am left with being the only person who knew what it was like, what he was going through, finding him dead, planning his funeral and paperwork with him. Just writing this I understand why I am angry.

I am a qualified children's therapists, maybe this doesn't help, but it is true trauma what we have been through.

Take care 

Donna 

Hi. Having to go though this during the pandemic made it doubly difficult didn’t it. I guess in a way we were fortunate that by the time Dave was at his worst lockdown was over so near the end he was able to see family, although we went from a prognosis of months (me being told by the hospice Dr that I should probably go back to work as Dave was still mobile and eating well) to him dying within a week. It all happened so fast in the end but I was fortunate that Daves niece (who was also a very old friend of mine from before I met Dave) had come down to visit and stayed with us during his last 72 hours. He did suffer during the last 24 hours (despite having an amazing hospice at home team coming out to us) but at least I was not on my own. I can’t imagine how you coped doing all that  on your own. Take care of yourself now and let the emotions flow - whatever they may be x x

Hi

I know what you mean. I have felt guilty and angry from the beginning even though I tried to spend every moment with my wife. I even slept on the floor next to her in hospital so as not to leave her on her own. I feel angry toward so many people that did not give her the treatment she needed, the family and friends that did not give her the love she deserved and the list goes on.

You are allowed to feel whatever you want. One day at a time as we would say.

Hi Donna.  I'm feeling angry at the moment as well.  I completely get what you are saying.  It does come and go. I didn't realise how close to the end Nic was until the oncologist spelled it out and even then I just couldn't process it. I still didn't, or couldn't, believe it and Nic never acknowledged it either.  He absolutely would not talk about what was going on.

You are not stupid.  What we went through was awful and we couldn't have done more than we did.  We had no control over things. All the awful admin stuff had to be done and that was so painful to do.

I'd been doing so well until recently, but am now very low.  I guess its all part of the cycle of grief we are going through.  It's just ugh, awful.

I hope you start to feel more positive soon.

All best wishes.

hi, you’ve just written how i’ve been feeling.  I was told Rob  had weeks to live and he died 3 weeks later, he never spoke about it once we were told how long apart from telling me he wanted me to meet somebody and be happy.

After a week or so his medication was so strong he wasn’t my Rob any longer.

A year on and shares still not sorted, i can’t be bothered any more tbh with keep sending same docs to Company and they regularly lost.

just another bad day for me today, let’s hope tomorrow is better

Oh, the shares.  I've got the same problem.  I chase Computershare and they say that Nic didn't have a holding.  The last time they wrote, in April, they said the same thing.  Then a day later I got a letter from them, addressed to Nic, with a summary of the shares with the same reference I’ve been using.  Grrrrrr.  So I've got a letter ready to go to them when I can be bothered to put it in the postbox.  Frustrating as it's the very last thing to be dealt with.

Another low day for me.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better and for you all too.

Hi Donna,

I understand that anger, I too feel angry sometimes, usually with this dreadful disease. I say to myself "F*** cancer! Why did you have to do this to us?". And then the guilt comes, could I have done more and I wish I had been holding her hand when she left this world. My counsellor says these are all normal reactions and feelings, which is reassuring but it doesn't stop the hurt.

As you say, tomorrow is another day and we have to hope it is better than today.

Stay strong,

Derek

I've been fkn livid since 11.3.2020 when we were told there was nothing more they could do for my husband, no trials, sweet fa! Basically- go home and die- 26 days later he was gone  I have so little patience  my sarcastic side comes out and won't give it up sometimes I really need to wear a mask again!  I'm angry at so many things/people too 

I've just come upstairs for the night in a bit of a rage. I decided to look here. It seems a heck of a time for us all! 

With reference to financial institutions digging their heels, which in our circumstances is simply immoral, the ones giving me all the issues are the pension providers. It's crazy!

Take care everyone,

WDJ