Day 1 on my own

Dear Bimo7, My heart goes out to you. Just do what you want to do , and you probably dont even really know what you want but thats ok. I lost my husband 9 weeks ago, 15 weeks after being diagnosed with acute Myeloid Leukemia. I havent been what you have been through and can only imagine your pain as our grief is our own. I wont tell you what to do as im still finding out for myself. Today I have seen one dog walker and thats all I want today. I do know that I need to be on my own to just greive without someones comfort if that makes sense. I shall be thinking of you and will keep you in my thoughts. 

Hi i am so sorry for your loss  and so recent.

You have to do what you want, i felt the same as you, my adult children wanted to stay with me, and i told them i wanted and needed to be on my own, and that is what i did, i knew where they where if i needed them,

Its a hard journey, and one  really we have to walk a lone, as it is us that has lost the other half of them, that is how i felt, and had to find out who am i with out him after a long long time.

I am only just starting to find that out, and i am two and half years down the line, i just did one day at a time, every one deals with it in thier own way.

My thoughts are with you all, on the start of this journey, you will get there,  in your own way.

Ellie x

Ellie x

Hi Buddiesmum, thanks for reaching out. I am so very sorry to know that you’ve lost your husband as well. You have been through exactly what I’ve been through, but I agree that we likely all grieve differently. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in wanting to be alone. I don’t want comfort from anyone and have spent today trying to turn the house back into a home from a hospital. So so much stuff. I would be fine and then all of a sudden I would be crying my heart out. Can’t get the final image of him before the undertaker took him away out of my head. Just can’t believe it’s real. Feel like I’m dreaming. Even though so many people are messaging me and wanting to see me, I feel completely alone and knowing I will never be able to talk to him again is killing me. Well done for getting through the last 9 weeks. I can’t imagine any of it has been easy and that every day is probably different. Have you joined any bereavement groups or anything like that? I know the hospice will be offering it and I keep being told to take what is offered. 

Oh Ellie, I am so sorry for your loss. You have come a long way in the grieving process. Is it less painful for you now or just different? It is so reassuring to know that I’m not alone in wanting to be alone. Everyone just wants to rush to me and if I were in their shoes I would be the same. It’s interesting how when you’re the one who has suffered the loss, that’s the last thing you want. Im wearing his wedding ring on my thumb at the moment as it’s too big for any other finger. What did you do with your husbands? It hurts too much to just see it sitting somewhere, but maybe that will ease with time and I can put it somewhere safe 

Hi  Yes slightly less painful but it rears its ugly head when you least expect it to,

Life for me, is so different, we did everything together, for a very long time, I still do one day at a time, and then its another week gone. I talk to him every day,  i moan at him, when i am doing the jobs he used t do, then i laugh when i remember things we got up to, we where a team.

My hubby never had a wedding ring, my wedding ring, for me is a circle of the life we had and  also will be,

Every one is different others over time move on and i wish them everything they wish themselves, but i am no youngest, and was married young, so yes he was my life.

I am better emotionally and i had counselling from the hospice where he passed, was the best thing i ever done.

You can have your hubby ring made smaller if you wished, a lot wear it around their neck.

One foot in front of the other and one day at a time, do things when you want to, and if  you just want to sit all day that's ok

Take Care Ellie x

Hi again Bimo7,

I started to have some counselling provided by our local hospice before my husband passed away but stopped it as it was taking 2 hours out of my time with him and I just didnt want to leave him . So now for the last few weeks I have started it again but as a telephone session and that seems to be ok.                                                                                 I find sundays (today) really difficult still as it was my husbands last day, passing away about 2.00 on the Monday morning, but also he loved Sundays despite being retired.    I took our dog out really early  this morning ,up on the downs over looking the sea and stood there and cried. I miss him so much it makes me shake when I cry. The pain is like nothing esle Ive ever experienced and some days it goes on all day. After my husband passed away I laid beside him , once the nurse from the hospice had removed all medical equipment . I covered us both with the duvet and listened to the music that we had had on during those last hours. It was a sad precious time , and I knew if I didnt do it I would always regret it. The last piece of music was The Lark Ascending, it always reminded us of being up on the hills in the warm sunshine. But I also have memorys of his deterioration during that day and its heartbreaking and so sad. When people say something is sad unless theyve lost someone they have no idea of what real sadness is.  I came across a quote the other day which sums it up I think.                                                                                                                          For those who understand no explanation is necessary                                                                                                      For those who do not undersatnd no explanation is possible.

I started to write down how my grief feels , starting from My husbands final diagnosis. Im not sure if it helped or not but it gave me a focus and also something for people to read if they dont know how I feel. But Ihavent shown anyone yet. Its almost too raw to let someone know how I really feel.

Just take each day and moment as it comes. Dont do anything you dont want to and be gentle with your self. Thinking of you. x

hi, i am so sorry to read your story, it does get better slowly.  I am 10 months down the road and I hurt every day.

i wear my husbands wedding ring on my thumb and I find i’m always twisting it, I find comfort in doing so.  It was quite strange how I happened to find it, we had packed up our life before Rob was diagnosed and everything was in storage including his watches, cuff links and wedding ring.  After Rob died I searched everywhere for his ring etc and thought they had been lost.  The day My belongings were coming out of storage I stood at the door and went straight over to a box, opened it and yes they were in there.  I had been to the storage unit lots of times prior and looked for them.  It was like it was meant to be, this was the first day of my new life in my new home and I had a piece of him with me.

As I said things do get better, you have to take things slowly and at your own pace.

Chelseabluegirl

Love is eternal 

Aw Bim 07. So sorry, we spoke in the last group and now are facing this awful time without them. Pls reach out and message x