How do I live without him

My life ended the day Neil passed away, we have been married for 39 years and together for 43, I lost my soul mate, best friend my life on 22/4/22 5 months after finding out he had oesophogal cancer, why him, why did he have to go, I hate being by myself, every night I pray I don’t wake up, how can I still be here and he’s been taken from me. It’s not fair he had just gone 59 we had years and years left to enjoy our lives and now nothing . I can’t sleep, don’t want food only go out to walk my dogs. Everyone promises to be there for you but in reality no one is, my phone doesn’t ring and no one calls, they just get on with their own lives, me I have nothing left to live for 

  • So very sorry to hear this. It's awful to hear about the pain you are in. Maybe it would be an idea to contact Cruse bereavement, or something like that for some help and support for you and everything you are going through. Your family and friends will want to help you too, but they may not know what to say or do for the best. They might even think you wish to have some time and space to be on your own right now. Reach out to them and let them carry you for a bit. Try and be kind to yourself. 

    Sending virtual hugs


  • Chillipepper36,

    Know that you are not alone in feeling like this.

    It's been said a couple of times on other messages that only those of us who have gone through this truly know what it's like. It's hard but we have to keep going. What would 'they' think? I know I'd be getting into trouble if I didn't get myself out of the house. Don't get me wrong, life isn't great but I'm pushing myself out the door, just so I am out. I'm not doing what I/we used to do, far from it, but getting out of the house helps.

    You are completely correct about people not contacting. I'm still gobsmacked that I haven't heard from certain people - both friends and family. The latter I just do not understand!

    Take care of yourself and with determination we will all carry on. It won't be the same but we need to try.

    Best wishes.


  • Chillipepper36 does need something to break the spiral of depression she has been caught up in. Talking to Cruise or a similar local charity is a good first step. Your heart is broken and the symptoms are familiar to me, even though my Richard died suddenly 9 months ago. This afternoon i am going for the first time to see his marble memorial in the local cemetery. We have waited for the stone to arrive and now it is carved and installed. I have picked a bouquet of garden flowers to take to him. Its a tiny plot for my dear man and space I hope for me too. Dont know how i am going to get through today - but i will.

  • I’m so sorry for your loss. I do understand how you’re feeling. My husband died 25/3/22. My world fell apart. 48 years together and 41 years married. . I left my family home to get married so this is the first time I’ve been on my own. During the last weeks of his life the family were here a lot. Now he’s gone I rarely see them and can go for days without talking to a soul. I love them dearly but I do feel a bit abandoned. Some days I cope , some days I cry . Like you, I regret waking up each morning. I just want to be with him. I’m sure I will get used to this different way of life but I hate it at the moment. It still doesn’t feel real. X