Hi, I've just watched Diana Ross's Glastonbury set. She ended with I Will Survive. It brought me to tears. I know it's about a relationship breakup and not all the words are relative to a bereavement, but so many of them are.
I guess what I'm saying is that we WILL survive this horrible experience that we are all going through. Yes, I've had times when I've wished I could join Nic in his grave, but I have to go on for me. It's just me now and I'm making the best of it that I can.
I have an 80 year old mum who seems to have taken Nic's death far worse than me which feels a bit odd, but that's how it is. Nic was everything to me, but now he's gone I can now be myself and do what I want to do. After two years of appointments, operations, chemo and constant worrying I can breathe and look at my own life and what I want to do with it.
That all sounds heartless and I get that. I think I'm in a juxtaposition of the life that we had before Nic's illness, what we went through together with his illness and the aftermath of him dying and me now trying to move forward without him.
I still have strong feelings that he'll walk up to me when I'm in the garden, say hello and ask me what I'm doing. Freaks me out every time. Also when I do things and talk to people and think "must tell Nic about that when I get home".
I'm 17 months in. I think I have more good days than bad, but that may be how I'm thinking today.
Best wishes to you all.
And survive we will Day turns into night then the day comes round again- before we know it a week, month, 6 months a year and now 2 years 3 months since Colin died and I (and others) have survived. We are stronger than we first thought we were because that's the choice we've been left with.....Let's keep going onwards and upwards big hugs all round xx
This doesn’t sound heartless, this sounds hopeful. Thank you so much for posting it xx
I have just read your post and it almost mirrors my own feelings. Its 10 months since my husband died and I feel the same as you. I think you are being honest and not at all heartless. We do have to go on, it is hard at times and I have my low moments obviously, as we all do.
I do try to be positive and look forward, its the only way I know how to cope to be honest. I feel that our loved ones didn't go through all of the illness, treatment, operations and everything else, so that we would sit and dwell on everything all of the time. I do think about all of those things, from time to time, but when I think of how ill he was this time last year, I realise it was a blessed relief in the end, for him and in a way, for me too. There was nothing we could do to change the situation, after all the treatment etc., had been exhausted.
I have that moment too when I have been out or had a conversation with someone and I think 'I will tell Roy' then realise I can't. Its a realisation that I can't do that, that hurts sometimes. I guess this will pass at some point.
As you say, we WILL survive.
I wish you all the very best for the future,