The funeral

My husband died 4 weeks ago today, 10 days after he was diagnosed with lung cancer and several metastases.  I was with him when he passed and said goodbye to him then. 

I now feel totally bereft and heartbroken.  Surprisingly,  I am eating and sleeping well.  But I am absolutely dreading the funeral,  which is all I can think about when I'm awake. It is this coming Wednesday.  My husband is being cremated and I just cannot bear the thought that there will be no physical presence of him in this world any longer. I am not speaking at the funeral  - our best man is delivering the eulogy which we wrote together  - because I cannot imagine that I am going to be able to hold myself together.  I have prepared something to share at the wake, if I feel up to it.

I cannot believe I am even saying these words  - funeral, eulogy,  wake- in the context of my own life and my dearly beloved husbands death. I cry all the time when I'm on my own  - less when I'm in company. My grief feels very personal and intimate between me and my husband.  I write all this stuff to him every day, but nothing helps this great void laid out in front of me, which looms even larger as the funeral approaches.  I just don't know how to accept his sudden loss.

  • Lexi, I am so sorry for your loss, this is just the worst journey to be on. My husband died 8 weeks ago today, and tbh I didn’t think I’d make it this far but here I am.

    the funeral was hard, but I decided like you not to speak- it would have been added pressure in an already difficult day. It was the right decision for me. And actually I got through the day ok. It felt like the funeral was fir other people rather than immediate family, people   came to say goodbye. For us it’s a constant process.

    Do you have people supporting you? I still cry every day, but there are times between the tears where I function normally. It’s so weird.

    I don’t want to travel this path but I have no choice. Just concentrate on getting through the next hour- a lifetime of hours seems impossible.

    sending you much love xx

  • my husband died nearly 3 months ago - you are sleeping and eating because you are numb and in shock at the moment. I too was dreading the funeral and again chose not to speak. I got through it with the help of valium and just took myself into work mode - my job was to network and make everyone feel welcome. I did not cry at the funeral but buckets before and after. My husband was cremated aswell and i have had leaves engraved on the sculpture of the tree of life in the hospice garden. I often sit in the garden there and remember him - perhaps you could think of something permanent that you could visit. i belong to another group on facebook - i find it really helpful as we are all sharing the same grief - we would welcome you to the group if you thought that might also help. Sending you all the hugs in the world. Juliet 

  • So sorry for your loss. Someone said to me that I should think of my wonderful husbands funeral as the last thing I would do for someone who’d been such an important part of all my adult life, who I loved since I was 19. It didn’t stop me sobbing quietly through the service but it sort of helped. Chris’ funeral was in November 2020 so in the middle of lockdown restrictions with limited numbers etc. Like you, I didn’t speak at the service- but both our sons, our daughter in law and I all had a lot of input into the eulogy. 
    Sending you hugs for tomorrow and the days after too