To Stay or Not To Stay?


That is the question! I just can't decide.

Although it's early days I just can't see me staying in our house. Too many cancer incidents have taken place. I've kept so much from others as to what went on during the treatment and particularly the last night we spent together in the house when nothing was helping with the pain. I go into some rooms and just relive it all over again.

I'll make the decision when the time comes but I'm about 90% sure already that I can't stay here long term. The only positive aspect is the garden when I look out and think I could watch it develop into what we wanted it to be. But that's not really a reason to stay. I don't have to stay for work as am in a profession where I can work anywhere in UK, or abroad, if I get an offer. No other family member lives near either.

Just another thing to ponder over! 

I'd be interested to hear what others have done in regard to this.

Take care,


  • Hi WDJ… I can totally relate to this. After my wife, I spent a lot of time and money on doing the house up. New drive, cabin, landscaping and wood burner. It was a year in April and although I am mostly trying to exist on my own, I have similar feelings. Her last few days in the house were very difficult, not to mention the last moments. There were also loads of times during treatment where we were left on our own to deal with it. 

    All I can say is just give it some time. I can’t seem to shake the feeling but I also don’t want to lose the good memories. This was to be our home until we retired… I’ve just turned 40 and she was 46 when she passed so we have some time to go! 

  • Hi, l know exactly what you mean. Pete's pain was unbearable not just for me seeing it but for him physically. Even the hospice could not control Pete`s pain, you would not let an animal suffer the way Pete sufferedSob. I have actually put our home up for sale. It would have been our perfect forever home, but not any longer not without Pete being there. Me personally Pete is where ever l am in my mind, body and soul.

    1. I have done the same thing spent thousands on our house, I have the same feelings,but I don't know the answer just don't want to deal with this just want my old life back 
  • That is so true, we know people pass on but when it is real! to us, we just want our old lives back, with our loved ones.Broken heart

  • I really thought i could deal with this given time,and iv really tried but this loss of someone so close is so complex there's just so many thoughts to deal with,losing them,watching them suffer, your lives ripped apart,not knowing what to do,how to be,people around you having no clue how devastating this really is,you have lost them and they have lost there life, and it leaves you with terrible health anxiety because of what you have witnessed.

    • I still wake terrified every morning shell shocked from what has happened to us.
  • I totally get what you are saying, if you told those close to you exactly how our loved ones suffered they would, definitely ask you anymore questions.Broken heart.Also how exactly how unreal it is not to have our loved ones with us.

    Unless they have lost someone to this terrible disease and seen first hand the actual suffering, they will never understand it. Not that you would want anyone to suffer how our loved ones have, l am not making light of anyone that has lost a love one, l have lost several siblings and both parents. But loosing your other half is just totally different there is no comparison, especially when they have suffered so so much: and we have seen it first hand. I thought that when my husband Pete went into the hospice, that his passing would be peaceful. It could not have been further from the truth, he was in unbearable pain up to about 4 hours before he passed. If truth be known probably still in pain then, as they could not control his pain. You would not let an animal suffer the way Pete did. So yes l totally get what you are saying.SobBroken heart

  • Sounds like you had a similar experience to mine,no pain control even at the end awful my mark has heart attack on his death certificate not cancer, pain caused it how is that possible,he was on every pain medication possible morphine, gabapetin, fentanyl and whatever else Macmillan gave him,we all have to go but I always thought it was peaceful I know different now it just scares me we shouldn't suffer in this way x

  • Thankyou for replying iv tried to stay of this site hoping i had moved on,but obviously not, just checked in see how everyone was doing sadly reassuring that how I'm feeling is normal x

  • i understand exactly what you said, Rob had no peaceful ending either.  Even our district nurse said that we wouldn’t let our animals suffer but we let our loved ones though.  I found it so distressing that 11 months down the line I still relive the end every day.  I still can’t remember Rob prior to him being ill last April.  I so want to remember the happy times.  Maybe one daa as y i’ll be able to go back to prior to him becoming ill

  • Hi all haven't been on site myself for a while it's been nine months now since my beautiful wife Lynne passed away and for me it just gets harder and harder, lynne passed in a hospice and she had seven drivers on her for the pain and it just wasn't working so I asked the doctor to give 8something to calm her down because she was very agitated the doctor said it could bring on the end if she did but how long can you watch your soulmate suffer in agony , words cannot describe that moment in your and her life and people cannot understand what people like us have gone through, as for the house I love it because Lynne made  it but the trouble is as is I'm sure every bloke will agree our wives know how to make a home look lovely and everything makes me cry buckets thinking of Lynne choosing this and that and telling me not to be daft when I pick something, so I decided I would give it a year  and see how I feel if it was  too painful to stay or too painful to leave with all memories of Lynne  ,all I can say is there is no rush to make a decision it is our life to do as we feel fit take all the time you need  thanks for being here ,love to everybody