Not sure if I can keep on going

Oh Steve

I know the pain you are on, at 6 weeksI was the same, couldn’t see a point in continuing, losing a partner, soulmate, tests us to our limits. I couldn’t function, had no interest in anything. I saw my GP who put me on an antidepressant. Some start working quicker than others, so the help it gave was gradual. Although I still felt the pain of losing Linda, I became less tormented, and finally believed I could survive in this terrible new reality. It didn’t happen quickly, I a, now at 11 months, still shed the odd tear and think about her constantly, but I feel I now have the strength to continue on. I feel now I am in a better place, I actually miss Linda more and feel the need to talk to others about her, and find out stuff that I don’t know about her, such as her childhood. So please take strength from my own journey, see your GP if you haven’t already, there is counselling available, although I never used it. Your pain will never go away, but over time you will be better able to manage it.

most of all, take your time, give yourself time to heal, be kind to yourself. The emotions you are feeling are quite normal. Do whatever it takes to manage, I went to bed at 2am, slept till 2pm, I did isolate myself, but my family were a great support. After a while I realised it was social interaction that I needed, be it a text, phone call or in person. Always felt calmer after.

keep safe and well, you are my friend, so if you want to PM me at anytime, feel free.

Dear Steve,

You have taken a brave step posting on this forum, everyone here can empathise with how you feel for sure. I am now 8 months on since losing my one and only true love, we met 6 years ago later in life. Please be assured your grief is still very raw and sadly it generally takes quite some time to feel normal in any way at all. I am one that has been seeing a psychologist since before Sharon passed and still see him every 2 weeks. This counselling has certainly helped me get through the worst, he made me realise I will never recover from my loss, but it is a case of adaptation to a new way of life. I am also, like Keith, on antidepressants which help me get through the days, and sleeping tablets to ensure I get at least some sleep at night.

Like you I do still have difficult times (including today) and I hate the 17th of each month the date Sharon passed, 21st June will be her birthday and I am already dreading it. Still like others I battle on and try to keep busy, but still think of my Sharon most of the time. I am very fortunate to have an older brother who really took over my life from the day Sharon passed, he moved in and didn’t leave me for over 6 weeks. During this time he handled paperwork, helped me with funeral plans, etc… Now he contacts me most days to check I am ok. 

Now I get by day by day but if people ask me how I am “really feeling” I tell them life is tough, and I have told my psychologist I no longer fear death, and my only reason for living is the belief that soon I will be reunited with my darling Sharon. My GP is also aware of these thoughts and I have now had DNR entered into my medical records just in case something should happen to me medically, accident, etc..

I can assure you Steve that time will help and I can also recommend I book you may find helpful it’s called “On Grief and Grieving” by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. Friends recommended it to me and I can see it continues to help me, as a reference book to answer some of my thoughts and questions.

Stay strong Steve and remember it is what your soulmate would want you to do, not grieve forever and a day.

Best Wishes,

Paul

Last Monday I started my journey to Italy. Arrived on last Wednesday. Throughout the journey I talked to her. I managed to stop off for a coffee at one of our rest stops but was unable to stop off at the next one where we normally had lunch. Instead, I got a sandwich from a petrol station. It was such a difficult journey without her being there, we always laughed together at some of the strange location names - Worms being one. I couldn't laugh but I cried instead. I have now been here for 6 days, each day I am still breaking my heart. I have tidied the garden as it was overrun, but I know it wouldn't be to her standard as she loved to do it. I decided that I was going to put her ashes, which are in a lovely wooden box, into a large garden pot with a rose tree on top of the box. Now I am in two minds. I dont think I could stand not having her ashes with me in the house. Do I bury it in the garden which she loved, or do I do the selfish thing. She will be staying here in Italy when I go back to the UK . I just dont know,

Hi Paul, I have been thinking about the DNR and when I return to the UK, I will make an appointment to see the doctor and ask him to put one on my record. Like yourself, I do not fear death now as I know my beautiful wife will be there to guide me.

Hello Steve such decisions are not easy, I even kept the box Linda’s ashes were kept in before they were scattered, even the priest thought it unusual, as he was simply going to dispose of ot. Something inside me just didn’t want something so closely associated with my Linda simply discarded. It’s in the loft, so it’s safe. Please don’t think you’re selfish, what ever you decide to do with the ashes, your decision will be based on the love for your partner. If you really can’t come to a decision would you feel comfortable leaving half of the ashes in Italy, and take half home with you, I hope I haven’t said anything to offend, it’s just an idea…….take care

Hi Steve,

This is most certainly one of the hardest decisions. I’m 8 months on and still have Sharon’s cremains with me in the house. This is despite the fact that I have had a plot built at the crem together with inscriptions for Sharon. At this stage I still cannot see me letting go of Sharon for some time yet. Every night and morning I give her a cuddle and tell her good morning and good night, etc..

As the crem plot is in perpetuity it will be entirely my decision when I decide to have Sharon’s cremains interred. I take Sharon on holiday and still light a candle by it every night and also have a pocket size replica urn I can carry with me to feel Sharon is with me wherever I go.

The right time to scatter or whatever with your loved ones cremains is when it feels totally right for you. If you, like me, find having them close for a while longer is perfectly normal. Everyone handles such things in their own way, so so whatever you is is right for you, and only you.

Take care Steve and I really hope you have got something positive from your trip. 

Take care and best wishes

Paul