What grief had done to me!!!

Hi Donna,

Thank you so much for writing your feelings down so openly. You said you are not good at it - I feel you have done an amazing job on it! It's so hard to put into words how we feel, isn't it?

I completely understand how you feel, and so do most of us on here, I think.

I haven't been on here much recently. Why I don't know. I guess sometimes I am too busy, sometimes I am too tired, and sometimes I just don't know what to say or where to start or whether I even want to talk about it all again. The truth is: I am functioning. I am still in Ireland trying to get my practice off the ground again after COVID. Nothing seems to work properly, though, where that is concerned because either I have many clients but then don't get enough hours at the clinic where I work, or I have enough hours but not enough clients. Apart from that, I have travelled between Ireland and Germany four times this year already as I am trying to support my parents in the very difficult situation they find themselves in with my dad recently gone into a care home for which he is still way too young but his Parkinson's and Dementia didn't allow him to live at home any longer, I sometimes think he is slowly dying, very weak, very confused, blood levels not good, oxigen levels not good either. My mum is holding on frantically, and understandably, and I am having arguments with her at times when I feel she should allow for some space (sitting with him quietly giving him the space to express whatever he may want to express) and she is always fussing. I have had a definitive "no" from St. Luke's hospital: they only allow registered nurses to work as complementary therapists. I just feel I don't know anymore whether I want to continue my life in Ireland or come back to Germany, whether a completely new beginning would be good or not, and I know I have been thinking about this for a long time and I don't seem to be getting anywhere with it. I turned 40 last Saturday, was in Germany, we had a small family get together at my dad's care home. And I am sitting here thinking: What is this all about? Where do I belong? What do I want to do with this, as Mary Oliver puts it, "this one wild and precious life". I just don't know and it scares me. And of course it would be so wonderful if Paul was still here, healthy and strong. And yet I can see now - and it's causing me a lot of grief too - that because I always put him and our relationship first, even before he got so sick, I am now struggling because I haven't grounded myself enough in this life. Even the support group I founded I haven't been able to manage properly, have postponed meetings and not managed to bring us together. No money to complete my Doula training either, even though this is so much what I would love to do. Sorry for the ramblings, I just felt compelled to write it all down and basically what I am saying is that I've come to realise that life without Paul is difficult and hard and not what I wanted and that I don't know where I am going.

Sending love and hugs, Mel.

Thanks Mel,

Yes the big discions are really hard on your own, well small ones for me too  I think it's the responsibility, when we are feeling vulnerable, I often use the word fragile. I have a few single friends who just don't get it, they say it's the same for them, well yes, but different. Then somebody who was divorced said they knew how I felt, tried to explain that there was an element of choice there, not for me, plus we mustn't be little to trauma we have suffered.

Just wish I could have my old life back, I promise I would never complain about the trival things again.

Sending hugs to those who need it today.

Donna

Donna, I know this won’t comfort you in anyway but I could have written this myself. My husband gave me confidence. Even  when he was near the end I felt just him being there gave me the extra push I needed. All my life I have lacked self esteem and he was always there to tell me I was doing ok. Like you, I feel empty. We have two grown up children but I’m still so lonely as we did everything together. It’s 10 weeks since he died and today I started a new job after being his full time carer for 18 months. It was awful going to work without him there to kiss me goodbye and welcome me home. I can’t imagine the rest of my life without him.

Big hugs to you. Sue x

Hello Donna

Everything is just too painful isn’t it. Like you I am trying to move forward with life, but it’s such an uphill struggle, every single thing takes monumental effort. I tell myself, it’s the price of the love we shared. I try to avoid thinking about regrets, as there’s nothing I can do. Days just blend into each other. We can only do our best, if not for us, but in the memory of our partners.

take care of you

Also, you did a very good job of explaining how things are. I still have not had any counselling, just can’t decide, the 6 sessions with BUPA offered by MacMillan may be the way I’ll go. Just don’t feel strong or brave enough.

additional 

I always relied on Linda for my spelling and grammar. I used to write beautiful with 2 Ls, until she explained a way to remember. I so miss her ️

Hi Donna, I'm at 16 months too.  I can relate to everything you have said.  Nic and I got engaged weeks after his diagnosis, which I am sure would never have happened otherwise.  We were going to get married but left it too late as everything progressed so quickly.  We met at around 40 and had no kids.  The dogs were always our babies and if course we had each other.

I can't face counselling as I'm guessing it would be going over everything time after time which would be too upsetting.

I've finally found somebody to look after my dog for a few days so I can go away.  I cried as I booked the holiday as its the first time I've done it on my own.  I never felt so lonely as I did the moment I confirmed my card details.  When Nic and I booked holidays we'd spend days looking at options and making the final decision about where to go.  I'd been looking at a particular place for weeks, hoping that I could get care for my dog, and it stayed available the whole time.  Good luck I guess.

Take care.

Felicity

Hi 

Donna, I can see alot of similarities that everyone seems to be feeling like myself and that is empty a kind of empty you can't fill with things, people or places. It just follows you around whatever your doing even if you do get some joy from the thing your choosing to try and fill that space with. Because someone is missing someone that filled that space and is now gone in my case after a long fight with cancer.

And now I'm lost, I was very happily single 11 years ago but this is not single life this is another dimension!  And I ask myself how did this even happen my future was all mapped out ......the list goes on. We also didn't have children but I felt that kept the dating alive in our relationship as it was just about us, we did everything together,  I have friends, I have invitations ,I  have a job I just don't know if any of that will make a difference  even though it helps? I'm only 1 month in and seeing these posts I don't know if it gets any better. I hope you find the answer and can give us an insight.

Tracy

Hello Tracy

i wish I had answers, I wish I knew a way to manage better, My Son told me recently, that the pain doesn’t get any less, we just learn to live with it. He could well be right. I am 11 months in & I am managing better, but feel I am walking a tightrope, just the slightest hiccup and I fall. It’s not a life I want, the life I want I can’t have anymore. I was never prepared for how tough it would be, having lost both parents and father and mother in law, in past years, I assumed my grief would be similar, you can’t know till it happens. The loss of a lifetime partner is devastating, someone you fell in love with and committed to live with forever. But grief is the price we pay for love, so I am ok with the price, as I wouldn’t give up the love we shared for anything.

take care of you

Hi Keith

Some of what you have said does resonate

'It’s not a life I want, the life I want I can’t have anymore.'

The lack of choice definitely has made it harder to accept and really what you wanted was more time more memories that made life so special. Your also right I wouldn't of swapped my happy years so that I don't feel bereft now either I just hope that it will get easier to live with the more time that passes.

Thanks 

Tracy

Hi Donna

Your words resonate with me so well, especially regarding the lack of confidence ….

Mal and I were married for 41 years, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer in October 2019 then in March 2020 the first pandemic lockdown was imposed and as he was shielding I stayed in with him getting everything we needed delivered and acting as his barrier against the virus.  We didn’t leave the house for almost a year except for medical appointments, but he deteriorated both physically and mentally in that time. I continued to care for him at home through 2021 until he passed away in October, just eight months ago.

Mal was a strong man, full of humour and confidence so he was the perfect partner for a shy introvert like myself.  I leant on him in many many ways while he leant in me in others.  The past eight months have been very hard for me, summoning up the confidence to do things on my own (not helped by coming down with Covid at the beginning of May).   I have agreed to go on holiday to Cornwall with a divorced female friend, we leave in two weeks and I’m already getting butterflies at the thought of travelling away from home without my husband …. this might seem a small thing to some but it is a very BIG thing for me.

I spend most of my time on my own as I am retired, trying to cope with household matters and keeping the garden tidy without the wise, sensible and usually correct advice from my husband isn’t easy but I’m getting there …. we all get there in the end I think, even those of us who have always lacked confidence.  You  sound like you are doing better and moving forward with your life, we have no choice in any of this and have to carry on as our loved ones would wish us to.

I really hope you enjoy your coming holidays and find peace within yourself.