Feeling abandoned Yet again, Update

I’ve had that feeling of abandonment too, but like you a I understand that my children have work and their own families to think about.  It is the “friends’ that surprised me more as I have heard very little from any of them, in fact the person I considered to be my longest and best friend has been conspicuous by her lack of contact …. Strangely enough it is her sister (who is also on her own) that has proved to be supportive, organising trips out for the two of us and a holiday down to Cornwall in June, which is going to be the highlight of my year.

Bottom  line is, people don’t know how to treat you, they say I’m here if you need anything, but as we don’t like to bother people with our problems we don’t ask so they presume all is ok and then maybe it’s out of sight and out of mind!  I’ve never been someone who can push myself forward and have always been quite shy and introverted, so that doesn’t help …

Thank you

i really don’t have any friends at all, my Wife was all I needed, of course before she passed, the children were phoning texting visiting regularly, so all was good. I wouldn’t  wish my grief and agony on my Linda, but really believe it should have been me that passed, lInda would have got tremendous support from the kids. My life pretty much sucks, being depressed and extremely anxious over everything, I am not capable of doing much, joining social groups is just too scary with Covid, I could not cope with that on my own.

on a brighter note I hope you enjoy your Cornwall holiday, that’s Linda’s and my favourite holiday destination, went there several times in the past few years, idyllic and so beautiful there

take care

Thank you, I’m sure we will have a lovely time.  The last time I went to Cornwall was with my late husband, towing a caravan, our two children all excited … they are all grown up now with children of their own but it will bring back some lovely memories I’m sure.

Perhaps your children see you as the emotionally stronger of the two parents, much as mine do.  I really think my husband would have not been able to cope if I had gone first, his strength was physical rather then emotional and I am the opposite.

You should let them know how you feel, as they probably think that you are fine.  Make the effort, I’m sure they will do all they can once they know that you are struggling.

I do tell them often, how bad I feel, how lonely and devastated I am, but only gets the response, “ you’re doing well” or” hopefully things will improve” they just don’t get how losing a partner of so many years, is like the end of the world for me, we’ve known each other since 1970, nothing more I can do

I’m so sorry that you are feeling so low, and your children are failing to get that, I understand how it is as Mal and I were married for 41 years after a whirlwind romance.  Losing someone through bereavement is like nothing else, the loss of a parent is bad enough but the loss of your life partner is on a totally different scale …. you can only understand this when you have experienced it yourself.

I have low days like you, but I try to keep busy with a target of doing at least one “productive”  thing each day although many days go by without me achieving anything at all!  

I find it helps to keep Mal’s personality with me always, thinking of how he would react to some of the silly things that I do!  I know he would have been laughing at me today because my garden parasol was taken by a gust of wind and landed in next door neighbour’s garden … she is away on holiday so I couldn’t just go round and ask for it ... so I’m up a ladder hanging over a 6ft fence trying to retrieve it with the garden rake.  I know Mal would have been curled up with laughing at me and full of praise when I managed to get it back over the fence.  

Your Linda was very special to you, you will never forget her, but I’m sure she would want you to live your life and be happy.

I hope you find peace in every day.

Thank you, such lovely words

yes I feel the same, when I do something daft, or eat something quick and unhealthy, I know Linda would have something to say, she was never vindictive never hurtful, always knew what to say, I miss her more than anything in the world.

when you said “but the loss of your life partner is on a totally different scale”, you are exactly right, unfortunately, if my children don’t get that, I can’t say anything, because it would like be me diminishing their love for their Mum, which is not the case, I lost both my parents and mother and father in law, there was pain of course, but so different, I wish I had understood when my father in Law passed, my Mother in law, was distraught, but I could only see her grief in terms of what I felt, now of course I know differently and wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

keep safe and well

Just been analysing my emotions, think I’m more depressed than anxious, found it difficult to tell the difference before, but isn’t anxiety a fear of doing something or a situation ? I’m more worried about my future and how pointless my life is, so I guess that’s depression 

Sometimes it’s so painful 

Still waiting for my youngest daughter to arrange a time I can visit and see my Grandchildren it’s been ages My eldest son is always busy, has a week off in 2 weeks, but says got lots to sort out, going to try and come after work one day. He’s going to my eldest daughters ,I  asked if I could go, but they both said no, they need time just the 2 of them, He said maybe in June if he’s not going away.

obviously I have to manage my own life, at least I see my youngest son every 3 days, about the only human contact I have, and they wonder why my anxiety is so high. If Linda was here and I had died, they would be falling over themselves to visit her or take her to theirs.

Sorry just feel sad and hurt and abandoned, be so nice if one of them contacted me just once a day

I do hope this isn’t all my life is, and how I’ll be from now on, I must believe there are better times ahead, or what’s the point ?

I wish my kids realised how much I need them, and hopefully that I mean something to them, while I’m still here