You can’t buy what you desire the most …

hi, i know exactly what you mean.  I’ve been buying stuff like it’s going out of business.  I love a designer bag (rob never understood) and since he’s been gone i’ve spent thousands on bags.  I’m buying a new house and plan to completely renew everything. I decided on a hollywood style bathroom and bedroom, something he would have hated, 

Every week i say to myself that i’ve got to rein in but then I see something and just buy it.

Maybe it’s part of grieving?

You are not alone, the tears are just below the surface and can come at any time.  

Take care 

I’m so glad you replied and I’m glad that it isn’t just me … I know that when I make a decision and make that purchase I feel in control and happy for a little while. That new bathroom is going to cost quite a bit but I see it as ‘future-proofing” the house so that I am able to stay in it for longer as I get older, so the money isn’t wasted, but the bank account will be empty if I carry on!!

I have been quite the opposite! I keep thinking the policy money will be reclaimed by someone like the taxman even though I do realise that after 22 months it's there to be used to good effect (I hope!) I have a decorator coming next week and have almost decided on wallpaper, been looking at suites, carpets, curtains and dining room  furniture, a new garage door and would love stairs to the loft- oh and a newer car too! If I don't spend it the kids will and to be fair, WE worked for it- does that sound selfish and mercenary?? They have had something from their dad and I won't see the short either.  The saying 'you can't take it with you' is what some friends say and they are right. Xx

All these replies make me feel a little better.I am not spending lots of money but am planning to change quite a few things in the house. I am just having doubts about it being disrespectful but to me it is my way of trying to move forward and make my own decisions.Gareth didn’t like change and a lot of things in the house were more his choice.If I am to cope with going it alone now I need to do it my way to help my mental health.I hope this makes sense.

My husband didn’t have life insurance as the premiums were always prohibitive because of his long term health conditions, so the only money I have is savings and my pension coming in so I know that I really must curb the spending if I want to stay in our house and not have to ‘downsize’ to release cash.  I wanted to update the bathroom into a shower room while he was at his most incapacitated to make things easier for us both, but he saw it as a waste of money … however he had me to help him with personal care, whereas I will be in my own … I’m 70 and luckily pretty fit for my age, but we none of us know what the future holds for us so I’m doing it for me now … it doesn’t stop from feeling guilt at spending the money though because we were both always very careful to save for the future, but I’m pretty sure if I were able to tell him my reasonings he would now agree with me.

I always used to say to him “am I right, or am I right?” and he would chuckle and say “you’re right” … love him and miss his cheeky chuckle.

I agree with you, it IS a way of moving forward and having a little control over our lives because let’s face it none of us chose to be widowed did we, and it is so very hard to keep going on your own ….

Hi, I've been doing the same.  I've spent a lot of money on the garden, none of which Nic would have approved of, but it needed to be done.  I had insurance payouts and clung onto them for ages as I too thought someone would come and take them away.  I need to refurbish the house, and the bathroom will be the first thing.  Like you, I'm future proofing.  I have a roll top bath that is quite high and want to replace with a walk in shower.

I feel guilty as Nic didn't like change at all.  I'm hoping that he's out there somewhere looking at what I'm doing and agreeing it's the right thing to do.  I still look over my shoulder at every decision I make expecting him to say something.  It's just over a year since he died, but I still think he'll walk through the door and say hello, all will be ok.

It's so hard to change the home that we shared for 11 years, but it has to be done and I hope Nic would have agreed with my decisions.

Phew, that was a long one x

Colin would've had so much work/decorating done bu now if things had been the other way around (although my pensions aren't worth much at all!) he was the spender between us definitely

we have a little flat that is rented out on a buy to let mortgage that needs paying off in about 2 years time, that does worry me and also holds me back on spending!

I've done that too. Not crazy money but things I wouldn't have bought before like a whole set of cymbals at once, or too many books and records. I think it's very fair to treat ourselves! It's the least we can get out of the situation. It won't bring them back but at least it gives us a bit of pleasure.

I also like to think about Juliette when I buy stuff, thinking "oh she would approve" or "oh she wouldn't approve, but I'll do it anyway!". It makes her presence stronger for a moment.

So yeah no guilt!

Take care xx

Antoine

Yes, I do that too, I’m very aware of when Mal would or wouldn’t approve.  I’ve been out spending again today ….. but only a small amount …!