An update from me

Hi everyone,

I haven't been posting on here for a while. I have been reading the posts every day - but only late at night - and had no strength to respond to anything. But you have been in my heart and in my prayers all the time. It's hard to believe that it is already February. The first weeks of 2022 have been very challenging for me. I think I have mentioned here before that my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's last April. He deteriorated quickly and, by the time I planned my trip to Germany in November, I already knew that my parents would need a lot of support. So I came over here on 16th December with a plan to leave in the second or third week of January. However, when my father deteriorated more and more early this year, I decided to stay here a little longer. And it turns out to have been a good decision. My dad had many falls in January, none of which were serious but could have turned out to be serious. His memory is getting worse and his disorientation too. He is unable to coordinate himself; for example, he can't perform an action when it has more than two components (taking a glass out of the cupboard and pouring water in or saying that he wants to go to bed and undressing himself). It is almost impossible now to have a proper conversation with him because he cannot express himself well; when you give him options like saying, "Do you want this or that?" he would always choose "that" because it is the last thing you have mentioned. He is very restless and wakes frequently during the night. He is always tired and exhausted and has no interest in anything - well, he never had really except for his computer which he can no longer use and his walks which he can no longer do. Because of his restlessness and his lack of interests/hobbies he is often looking at the TV screen for hours or listening to the radio. And, finally, there are bladder problems too; my dad can't empty his bladder properly and in January, when one morning I found him being very poorely in the kitchen and complaining of abdominal pain, we brought him into hospital where they determined that his bladder was filled close to 80 % and they had to insert a catheter and drain it. It was then discussed whether he should get a permanent catheter but they decided to try tablets first to relax the bladder muscles. In the meantime though, the situation here at home became more and more difficult and, eventually, my mum and the neurologist decided that it was time for a three-week stay in the Parkinson's hospital. My mum brought him there this morning. 

I intended to go home yesterday. But yesterday morning, as my things were packed and my mum was ready to drive me to the airport, I just couldn't do it; I felt so much fear of going home - which you know I have anyway because I don't like living on my own and wish I didn't have to do it - but I also felt that it would be the wrong thing to leave the house before my dad had to leave it for his hospital stay and I couldn't imagine getting on that flight. So I decided to stay. I will give my mum a hand here for another week or so and then go home. I have a lot of clients booked in for the middle of February so I will have to be home by then.

I am not feeling great I have to say. I feel tired from the last couple of weeks which have been traumatic and stressful, and I feel unsettled because now I haven't gone home and I will have to go home next week, I feel my heart-beat a lot at the moment, as if my heart skips a beat, which is very unpleasant. I know this does happen all the time and sometimes we are more aware of it than others, but it's just a bit disconcerting that it has been going on for a couple of days.

So you can see that it is a very unsettling time somehow. But I'll be fine. We'll be fine.

Lots of love to all, Mel.