Hi
It has been a long time since I was last here. My husband died three years ago, end of December 2018, following an advanced CUP with secondaries diagnosis in June 2018. I have learnt to accommodate his death, but it has been such a hard journey, Our beautiful, wonderful daughter died in April last having had a massive stroke 29th January 2021. Due to Covid we were unable to visit. Although we were able to say goodbye when treatment was stopped. I am struggling with this whole no 10 party stuff. It so hard without John, although he would have been devastated and very very angry with the world. I feel so useless and pointless, my son struggles having lost his Dad and sister and I try so hard not to put anything on him. It has been a very hard year on us both. I try and support Sarah’s husband, they didn’t have children together, but she adored his daughters.
I am not sure I should be here as only John died of cancer, but I want him to be able to give me a hug talk to him. I will say although, the pain some days can be as raw as it was the first day over time I have accommodated his death. I can look at photos and smile, remember him standing up as the proud father of the bride giving the most wonderful, funny and proud speech at Sarah’s wedding with a warm sensation. But ache of loss will always be there, like my creaking bones.
Sorry for the long ramble, bad day today the anniversary of Sarah’s stroke, thank you for your patience.
Thank you! I was always involved as much as Juliette with the girls so I didn't discover parenthood after her passing, but they're everything I have now and I love then so much.
I agree that we need sometimes to balance that switch between showing and sharing emotions and sometimes holding them a bit. I've been relying on a few very good friends to vent and express feelings, as well as journaling, to try and not put everything on my daughters' shoulders.
It's good to accept sad days too. It's hard too sometimes because no one likes to feel like crap.
Age doesn't mean anything indeed. 
I am taking care of myself, while juggling with everything. I think I'm doing fine with the grief. It's the loneliness that gets me. I've been working on my self-care lately, trying to get to the point when I don't feel that not having a love interest in my life is the end of the world but I'm clearly very far from that yet. We met at university, I had a girlfriend before that. Living on my own (I have my daughters but it's not the same) is really not my thing. I'll get there probably. So many people don't have a choice, or close family, or friends. I'm grateful for what I have.
xxx
Antoine
