Been a long time

Hello,

You've been through a lot. You are very welcome. It doesn't matter, we're all sharing your pain.

It's good that you care for your son, you two must have an incredible bond. I have found that caring for my daughters has sometimes forced me to do things rather than just being stuck in my grief. They also support me when I'm down.

First anniversary is something special. You've done it!

I hope that tomorrow is going to be a better day.

Take care Xx

Antoine

So sorry to hear of the loss of both your husband and daughter.. life is so unfair and cruel at times.

I can fully understand your feelings towards the Downing St fiasco regarding the lockdown parties. During that time I was nursing my husband single-handed, I couldn't visit hospital on the ocassions that he was hospitalised, his funeral numbers were limited..  because Boris and his cronies ordered us to conform to their rules. Then we find out he was having numerous social events in his home and garden. 

I can imagine that many of us on here were similarly affected and are angry at the blatant disregard from our so called leaders. It has added to our grief.

I hope you and your son can get some support as you both continue to grieve the loss of your loved ones. It is always harder on anniversary dates.

Hugs to you x

Thank you Devin, every time an anniversary comes round you think you’ll manage to get through but they always hit you, or they do me. You sound like you have beautiful, caring and supportive daughters. How old are they?

stay safe, love

Jo

xx

Thank you Pooka, I am so sorry about your husband and your experiences. When John died we were together at home. He was terrified of dying in hospital, but during the times he was in I was able to be with him. It must have been so hard, phones and/or iPads are not the same. 

With Sarah it was so hard because we never knew at any one pint what she could understand.There was nobody to hug or cuddle her throughout the last 2 months of her life until the end. The hospital staff were fantastic but working so, so hard and in such difficult conditions with masks and everything. They didn’t party or even have drinks at works.

Hi Jo,

Yes it's strange how the symbolic date brings back everything even we think NK we're in control. Brain is weird.

My amazing daughters are 12 and 16, thanks for asking. I don't know where I'd be without her. They have forced me to stay up and active all through the grief because I had to care for them. And they're still amazing support. It brought us much closer and I'm sure that you too have a special bond with your son. How old is he?

Take care xx

Antoine

Hello mush brain. Its also been a long time for me as well.I apologise in advance for the long narrative. You have been through a tremendous trauma & should not bash yourself for how you feel. It is beyond me to understand your unique losses. You can message me for my email anytime if you wish. My hubby John died Feb 2019, bowel cancer. I had a breakdown when he got diagnosed in 2015 but didn't know it till after he died.. I got breast cancer as he was dying. I told him as I didn't want there to be any secrets between us. should I have? Was it cruel? The following 2 mnths I lost 2 close friends then our 3 1/2 yr old grandson, Ross. He got ill & died 6 wks later. As John was cremated & Ross buried, they ended up in the same coffin. Weeks after that a friend like a brother to us died & 15 hrs later my Uncle. He was over 300 miles away & the hospital would not let us facetime him as he'd become unconscious and couldn't consent. He had a mental age of 8 so I struggle with that injustice as he might have heard my daughter and i trying to comfort to him. I delayed cancer treatment as I wanted to die but for our kids, I had it...but Ross died the same day. I went through treatment alone as daughter & I shared gruelling caring duties on opposite work shifts for a long time. My cancer spread cos I delayed it 7 months. 2019 gave me cancer & 6 deaths in 9 mths. At xmas Ross's parents split & a huge bust up on John's 1st anniversary followed immediately by Covid19. Isolation hit me hard as I was struggling with all of this & our autistic son's attitude to the death of his dad vs his little boy. In 2020 a cousin I grew up with died of bowel cancer & July took another dear friend. His widow was hit hard & trying to support her  was nigh impossible. My breakdown affected my speech & memory so a lot of precious events seem to have been erased or come in flashes. Some days I've almost no speech. In May 2021 our eldest grandson, Mark, brother to Ross, died 2 days after his 19th birthday. That was our son's 2nd child gone. He has one lad left (14 when brother Ross died) was 17 this month. He's gone from an A* pupil to failing his mocks last week. He lost his grandad, 2 brothers & dealing with an alcohlic autistic Dad whose diagnosis came last yr age 43!  Through various things since 2010, John and I lost everything, then each other. Now I've lost myself. Trying help unresponsive son & grandson is hard.help. Neither son or grandson are really responding. Then we get all this number ten doodah. In a few weeks it will be John's 3rd anniversary; I am waiting for the next crisis to arrive in time for that. Daughter is now my carer & was very close to John. She hears him call for her help at night. I think we all have PTSD but not going thru no crisis team for a label. Grief does change but it doesn't mean it lessens. In some ways its as bad, other ways a little less and some ways much worse. Above all for me its the loss of John. I was 15 when I met him & 61 when he died...and he'd have got me through all of this. People say the loss of a child is worse than that of a partner. I get upset at that.  I haven't lost a child, but Ive lost 2 grandkids & arguably my own son in many ways. I don't think it is comparable. One you give birth to after growing for 9 mths and the other is intimate with you in a way no one else is.John knew me better than I knew myself. He was my brake when I was going to be stupid too! Grief is often taken apart for analysis & treatment etc. BUNKUM!!! It is a unique & individual process. There is this expectation of in some way normalizing it. We are expected to 'recover, move up, move on, shift gear, get over, overcome, accept' etc. For me and many others we can choose for it to just be part of our existence and if that is in a negative way, its no one elses grief but ours. I wish you Mush Head and all others in this sort of situation the very best. I genuinely care and can empathise to some extent how you feel. I too want his touch and embrace and wisdom every bit as much as you want and need from your own John. Much love xxxx

I am so so sorry that you have had to go through all this Darkhorse. There is no reason no explanation about why all these things seem to happen. I agree everybody experiences grief in their own way and we each own our own. I have found the grief I experienced with John and Sarah are both different. I have lost both husband and daughter in a short space of time, I don’t think one is worse than the other, but they are different, both devastating and have left gaping holes in my being, People have no right to say that the loss of one person is worse than the other, in your words bunkum! But I do like the term learning to accommodate grief. 

As you say in many ways it gets worse but in other ways things ease. For me it meant a lot when I can hold memories and feel a warmth, even though the pain is still there. But I do think we sometimes judge ourselves around moving on because everyone around us is getting on with their lives. I don’t think people expect anything

I have learnt people will say things meaning well or because they don’t know what to say, they very very rarely mean comments to be judgemental. 

Hi Antoine,

My son is 33 and my daughter was 41, although there a big gap they adored, and fought, each other but had an incredibly strong bond. We expect to always care for our children, to nurture them and be the parent, but you right to let them support and care for you your relationship will be so much stronger.

All the very very best

Jo

xxx

Hello mush brain,

It's lovely to hear from you again after a long time. Today must be a very difficult day for you it being the anniversary of Sarah's stroke. How sad that you weren't able to be with her when she died. COVID made being with loved ones in their final moments impossible for so many people, and my heart goes out to every single one of them, and I realise how lucky I was to be able to be with my husband all along.

Of course you have every right to be here. You have been through so much. And of course it would all be so much easier if John was still here with you.

Sending lots of love Mel X

Thank you Mel for your welcoming, kind and caring words. 
Luv n hugs

Jo

xxx