Feeling alone

Not sure why I am feeling so alone.

It is two years since Ric died, almost 9 since Simon died. 

I had a hip replacement 13 years ago and Simon was with me and looked after me. Now I need the other one done. That is fine, fortunately I can have it done privately as I work for the Nuffield and luckily I don't have to wait long. The date I have been given is March 1st ( Ric's birthday and my brother's). I suddenly feel so alone. Full of what ifs etc. I know I will be well looked after and I am fit and determined. But having no husband and having to put my 22 yr old son as next of kin has made me realise just this! 

Yes I have a boyfriend ( for want of a better word), yes he is good but his son is adding pressures at the moment! He was a very nasty when we caught covid and was awful about my daughter who unfortunately caught it first! It has really upset me and I am having difficulty discussing this with Steve. I don't want to appear critical of his son but he really is a spoilt little brat! They are now not living together and I had hoped he would back off but it doesn't seem so. Steve also broke a relationship with a lady because she had a lot of health problems and he was slipping in to be a carer. He says he is happy to help but I am scared of letting him and becoming a. burden.

My dad has offered a lot of help, including financial as I will only get 4 weeks pay. I have a few savings and need it doing so that will work out. My son has also offered this! Dad has said I can stay at his but I would be happier at home with my children. My children have been better recently at helping me as bending is a nightmare. I know they will do their best 

I am scared of going to hospital alone! I am needle phobic, I have mainly conquered this now but last time I was allowed Simon with me. No visitors now! I work there so have to pretend I am ok. 

I have a friend or two who will help too. But despite this I feel scared and alone. How do I get this out of my head?

Thank you for listening

Love and hugs Alison xxx