Feeling guilty

Hello Felicity 

This week was number 20 without Maureen and I have had an awful week more tears and emotions than earlier, so reading your post gives me a little more hope because quite honestly I’m finding grief exhausting.    I haven’t moved or changed anything not even Maureen’s clothes in fact I can’t even look in the wardrobe.  I know I will have to deal with this at some point.  

I understand your thoughts  on feeling  guilty as I feel guilty if I don’t cry for a while,  It’s good that you feel positive about your future, unfortunately I can’t see a future ,  maybe I will in time.  

You are so right, nothing will ever be the same for any of us, and to be honest the future scares me.  

Please don’t apologies for rambling,  I find writing my thoughts does help in a strange way.  

Take care & stay safe 

Jon.   

Hello

I am at 5 months also, I haven’t moved any of my Wife’s clothes either, her tissue box and many other things remain untouched. I did open the wardrobe once to check on something, but the smell of her & her perfume on her clothes, sent me into a flurry of tears. The calendars in the wall are still on June, Linda used to always change the month when she was well, can’t bear the thought of changing the month. The only thing I have managed is to give some of Linda’s keepsakes to family, to help them with their grief. But that was painful, each time something of hers left the house. Occasionally I have questions which only she could answer, not really important, just hate that I can’t just simply ask her.

I had a spell of a few weeks, feeling positive, and didn’t cry, really thought I was doing so well, but it all stopped abruptly, and back as before. I can’t see any future for me, at 68, don’t know if I should expect one, but so hate being alone, but a future with someone new scares me as well, it was so easy falling in love at 17 with my Linda.

looks like there could be a time when I will be able to manage sorting Linda’s clothes, just can’t see that at the moment.

doing a little at a time with her keepsakes is just bearable, maybe can do the same with her clothes, I just don’t know

keep safe

Hi Felicity,

it gives me hope that eventually I will be able to sort through Craigs personal belongings. I managed some clothing quickly after his passing but it was old things he had not worn for years, I too can smell him when I open the wardrobe door & on his dressing gown.

I’m also having work done in my garden due to complete on Monday this was something which should of been done when Craig was with me but tradesmen let me down, I also have a list of other things which we had agreed to get done so at least I feel I have a plan of action to follow but I will be doing it without his keen attention to detail eye ( he was an architect) but hope he will approve of the work when it is done.

Keep moving forward & keep up with your ramblings

Tracey xx

Hi Tracey, I sorted Nic's winter clothes out as I wanted to give them to a homeless charity for this winter.  He was a hoarder, just like his parents, and had 8 winter coats, over 40 pairs of socks and lots of gloves. Half of the socks were really thick ones as chemo made his feet feel cold all of the time.  It just seemed like the right thing to do.  As for the rest of his clothes, there is so much that it's going to take time to go through and I can't face it at the moment.

I'm sure I'll have a massive drop in mood next weekend as Christmas was always such a joyful time for us - not the religious part, but the fun part with all the decorations and the tree, etc.  No tree or decorations this year at all as I couldn't face the memories they would have evoked.

We'll all get there at some point.  Meantime, we must be kind to ourselves, however difficult that might be.

I hope we can all drop in here over Christmas for a quick hello, however we might be feeling.

Stay safe

Felicity x

nicsmrs said:

We'll all get there at some point.  Meantime, we must be kind to ourselves, however difficult that might be.

I think it's exactly that. This thread shows (there was another one about what did you do with your lost one's belongings) that we're all at different stages and deal with belongings in different ways. I went from pushing things a bit aside, just a bit less visible, to actually sorting clothes etc. last summer almost a year after Juliette's passing to give most to charity and divide the rest between my daughters and family. I've created an attic space in the loft that is my bedroom with a curtain to hide the mess of all the things I still have to go through. I mean to do it all the time but it's not easy to dive in. Every notebook, every piece of craft, jewellery, everything is connected to memories. But I'll get there and put everything in labelled boxes eventually.

In the meantime let's be easy on ourselves. Guilt is a natural feeling and as with all the other ones we need to recognise them, and let them express themselves rather than push everything down (it blows up after a while otherwise!).

Christmas is a particularly triggering time for everyone struggling and we are all part of that crowd. Every single friend I know finds it hard, same with people who lost someone, who are struggling financially, etc. There is such a massive pressure to pretend that everything's fine.

Feels like a great idea to pop in here over Christmas (and before)(and after) because the loneliness can be tackled just by having each other.

Take care xx

Antoine

I think that managing clothes etc. is really difficult, but it’s the personal items, the trinkets holiday souvenirs, mementos, that is really difficult. Found a tin, with lots of little bits, a tiny doll and a myriad of little keepsakes.I am keeping ones that I know the history of and are special to us both, some of the items, I don’t even know the history of. I will offer these to family, but anything not wanted, will go in Linda’s keepsake crate in the loft. Just no way I can dispose of anything like that. Clothes etc. I will manage soon, the only items I will struggle with are her special ‘going out’ dresses / skirts, she didn’t have many, but guess these will end up in the loft as well, at least that way, I haven’t had to make a decision now. Maybe one day I will be stronger.

I am so pleased I am retired, have no mortgage and am financially very stable. So it could be a lot worse, managing grief and other problems. I have even been able to treat my Children to some money, as none of them are ‘well off’ made me feel really good. I know Linda would have wanted me to help them.

Wrote Linda’s Birthday & Christmas cards yesterday, there was so much I wanted to tell her, and I know she knows how much I deeply love and miss her.

Her Christmas card is on the Christmas card string, Not opening her Birthday card till the 25th, she would never open her birthday cards until then.

wishing you all the comfort of the Christmas blessing of hope and faith.

keep safe and well