Friends

I have come to the conclusion that friendship is overrated, we didn’t have many friends, only a couple have stayed in touch.  Even they don’t really understand, because my loss is not comparable to losing a parent or being divorced…..absolutely no comparison…. I don’t wish this type of pain on anyone, but I do wish they understood the feeling of loss , deep sadness, the pain . But how can they?

Hi Viv,

I can completely relate to this - people that I expected to be a rock for me have been anything but.  It ranges from people just not knowing what to say so they just talk about what's going on in their lives (I guess that's to "take my mind off it"), to people telling me what I should be doing (I was told to move on and not look backwards just weeks after losing my husband!), and some people just pretty much go missing altogether.  

I have to say it really does make me angry sometimes, when someone close to me said the wrong things I've lashed out before, and then felt very bad soon after. I always apologise and they do too, but the cycle continues and it seems more of a drain on me than anything else. I also feel angry sometimes at those who haven't been supportive at all..Do you find that?  

On the flip-side a couple of people that I didn't really know very well have been lovely, they've stayed in regular contact and don't tend to say or do the wrong things, even though it might just be a coffee and chat every week or two, it has been a lifeline for me and I've made sure to tell them how much I appreciate their support. It does worry me though that after a while they too might disappear. 

I've probably rambled on.. it's only just been 2 months for me and I find my head all over the place sometimes - hope some of this makes sense anyway!

x

Hi Viv

It seems to be a way of life, " friends " offer the world while you are caring for someone then when you ask for a little help that has been

offered a thousand times people vanish like a fart in the wind.

If they don`t want to help why offer?

Stay safe.

John.

I think it is the way of the world. They cannot understand and we don’t wish it on them. I have a few who do get it. I find the pandemic does not help - it is a convenient excuse for them. But there are times that I feel the loneliness so acutely. 

Take care of yourself Bob! Xx

John you made me laugh out loud! Thank you! I will forgive people in that they do not know what to say or how to say it. So cop out and do nothing. I think because death is still a taboo. But with that in mind I phoned some (not so close friends) who lost their 40 year old daughter. Because I knew people would be dodging them. Purely because there is an elephant in the room and people do not know what to do with it. But it leaves us feeling even more lonely. Cowardice on their part. 

xx

Yani, yes, I have experienced much the same as you and felt angry too. I know they are being cowardly. I nearly ripped up a Christmas Card “we think of you often, but we are still being very careful with Covid). Well ok. But what about lifting the phone to call me . 

The best people phone me to chirrup about things. Just don’t ignore me . And as you say some of them don’t know me so well.

Viv