one year on

Hi Sal1

So sorry this is how your feeling, but you are not alone i am two years now and fell exactly the same as you.

My husband had the same cancer as your husband, diagnosed  Dec 2018 and Passed Oct 8th 2019.

I to question myself, and get angry for him leaving me i still have melt downs every so often, the last one was over some sellotape, his job was wrapping presents and last week i had a few to do, i was shouting at him, this is your job you  should be here. I felt awful  i just sobbed

Its not a easy road we are on and no one truly understands how we fill at times, not even my children, yes it was their dad. but he was the other half of me, i do not know a life with out him, was married 53  years he was my life.

I fill for you, i i am not lonely but alone, cut in half. they say time is a healer, but we will never truly get over it, but we have to carry on, for them as that is what they would want.

You Take Care Ellie xx

Thank you for your reply, your last paragraph really sums up how feel so well esthe part about not being lonely bit being alone, I two have my 2 little shih tuzs Rose and Alfie he is only 2 so he does make me smile. 

You take care and keep safe 

Sally 

Hi Sally,

We share the same dreaded sadiversary. My husband has 2 synchronous cancers, including esophageal.

I too am so sorry this is how you feel although you are not alone. I remember thinking I was doing okay and then all sorts of emotions came crashing into my life at the one year mark. 

I found the 2nd year without my husband challenging and with lockdown, spending a lot of time alone. I suppose it gave me time to sit with my grief. We all grieve differently. I started to feel "lighter". 

My husband died on 16 December 2018 so I am approaching the 3 year mark. Just wanted to say that real acceptance takes time and somehow you will make peace with it in your own time. I hope this provides you with some hope/comfort. I still miss my husband very much but a lot of the questioning, anger, tears have subsided. Saying that; maybe ask me how I feel on the day, because,  some moments still creep up on you. Will be thinking of you on 16 December - I know on the first year I wanted to do something to mark the day but ended up have a duvet day!

Try to be kind to yourself is the best advice I can give. 

With lots of love,

Dutsie Xx

Hi Sal,

You are not alone. I am coming up to 11 months since losing my husband to oesophageal cancer. It is so hard. And the pandemic makes it worse. And I always hate the dark nights of winter. I have no family either so I am finding it so hard. I cannot plan - well who can in a pandemic. 

And now Omicrom. Which to me means more aloneness. 

And I spent last night furious with my husband. And people generally just do not understand any of this.

xxx

Viv

Hi Viv,  I'm lucky in the since I work full time in a pharmacy,  so key worker what ever happens,  but totally agree nights and long evenings are the worst, I've booked Thursday and Friday off this week as its the 1st anniversary of my Michael passing,, and don't think I'll be good company or be able to concentrate at work, and your right other people don't get it, it's about all the things I've had to do this last 11 months on my own that we should have done together,  I don't want to be angry at him, but I wished he was still here so very very much, I have his family telling me every time I see them how hard its been for them, and I want to scream at them that their life's  have changed but not in the same way mine or yours have , listen to me going on, one thing one person said to me was be kind to your self and do what feels right for you i didn't get it at first,  but sometimes I do now.

So be kind to yourself,  stay safe and your stronger than you know xx

Thank you Sal. Yes. We do need to be kind to ourselves. I try to stay very busy. I am doing a module of a Master of Law, and I have been trying to write an essay. Well my concentration has been awful and my heart is not really in it. But I think I had a bit of a break through tonight. 

I really hope that you do not find it too hard on Thursday and Friday. Please don’t sit by yourself - I hope you have something planned to help you get through it. 

xx