I don't want to be told what to say and what not to say

• Thankyou for your support, im on week 12 still waiting to wake up feeling in a better place,its just not happening I'm scared I'm never going to recover from the whole experience my mind is racing with so many thoughts my mark,my family, my past,my future I'm just still stuck in the trauma of seeing a man with a life in front of him, being tortured by cancer, I torment myself  with before and after pictures,is this normal feel like I'm dragging you all down but this is how I feel.

Hi Jayne, you do not need to apologise for how you feel. Grief is dealt with individually the one thing we all have in common on here is the loss of our partners and each of us is going through the trauma. 
Have you had any counselling? You are also asking yourself many what if questions which we can not give you answers to but, have you thought about writing to your GP practice and asking them directly? Do you have people close by who are supporting you or can you reach out to anyone?
I’m sorry that you are hurting so badly at the moment

sending hugs

Tracey xx

Hello, what you are experiencing is very normal, I went through virtually the same. You do need to contact your DR, ask about Social prescribing, or look it up on the internet, you can refer yourself, they offer various support services. Also your GP may think Anti depressants are appropriate, I couldn’t have survived without them, even with tremendous family support, I kept feeling life is pointless, I still don’t like my new ‘reality’ but I now feel better placed to manage it. Shopping, driving, any interaction with others still gives me anxiety, but it really is slowly easing. Please ask for support such as I mentioned. Another thing you can do is email the Samaritans, I didn’t realise this was an option, couldn’t face a phone call, but poured my heart out in an email to them, and the reply was very specific to my concerns, was almost like talking to a family member, without the worry of upsetting them.

took me 4 months before I could sleep in ‘our’ bedroom, luckily there is a spare bedroom I used till I was ready. I redecorated ‘our’ bedroom, as Linda made me promise before she passed I would finish decorating it. Took me weeks and weeks, every day trying to find the strength and motivation, kept putting it off, but finally completed it, for my Linda.

losing a partner, throws us into a topsy turvy roller coaster of emotions, even on days I feel I am managing ok, the slightest trigger can start me bawling again.

it’s so hard I know, but be kind to yourself. Concentrate on all the happy memories you have.

keep safe and well

Thank you for your support and kind words it means alot so kind of you when your struggling yourself,I have a supportive family too but they have no idea how losing a partner feels and I don't expect them too I'm shocked myself how deeply this has affected me iv lost family members before but never felt this bad, but its been a bad year lost my mum and husband within 8 months of each other  plus few other relatives 5 funerals in one year is a bit much, Im going be ok I just don't like feeling  that I'm never going be myself again because I have a lovely family and I want to carry on and experience everything my husband is going to miss for his sake x

Hello, Please ask your GP for help either medication or social prescribing, its not weakness to ask for help. I lost my Mum and Dad many years ago, and more recently my Mother in law amd Father in law, I was very sad and felt the loss, but nothing compares to losing a partner, particularly a lifetime one. Someone likened my grief to splitting up with a long term girlfriend.  Seriously doubt if anyone that has not experienced our type of loss, truly understands how deep the pain and suffering really is. I wasn’t prepared at all for how bad it would be, sounds cruel, but the Love we have for our lost partners is so so different.

only 4 months ago I really couldn’t see the point in continuing, but with the Meds and some social support, I feel much more capable of facing life’s challenges, still obstacles to overcome, I plan on joining our U3A club in the new year, Linda and I were members in 2016, but sadly only went on one trip, as her health wasn’t so good and we didn’t continue. They have many clubs, coffee mornings etc and before Covid lots of trips / days out, so I hope I will in time be strong enough to participate.

keep safe and well

P.S I sent a friendship request if you’re ok with that

Hi Jayne 64,

I haven’t been on the forum for about a week as I started thinking all I could be was negative and it would just get readers down. However reading your latest comments it is almost describing my very own feelings. It is now 8 weeks for me and I know many say it’s early days, but I don’t know how much more I can take, I never thought a broken heart would be so overwhelming painful both physically and mentally. I am truly blessed with an older brother who spends 2-3 nights at my place and he helps motivate me but when he leaves I get annoyed with myself because I just cannot maintain any drive. At this point it feels I miss by beautiful, kind, loving wife more each day, and part of me still thinks she will walk into the room. What I would give to just hold her hand for one minute more, give a peck on her nose. I do have a question for you all, 8 weeks on and I still havent been able to take down the many sympathy cards I received, I think partly because if I do it will be the first sign that Sharon will never come back and I’m afraid it will overwhelm me once more. I still break my heart every night when I go to bed and morning and night I give my darling Sharon’s urn a big hug and kisses. 

I admire Arthurd putting up the Xmas tree, but not me I have told family on friends this year there is no Christmas for me. I have advised I will visit on Xmas Eve to handover gifts but on the day itself I will spend the whole day alone with our little dog Tilly and my darling Sharon’s remains and my thoughts. I know it will be a very tough day, many tears, etc.. and I just don’t want to put a downer on others celebrations. To be honest I cannot wait for Christmas and new year to be over and to say goodbye to the worst year of my entire life (as many of you will be). It is ironic that 2020 was one of our happiest years because we got married in the July, then along comes 2021 and my older sister passed away in February, Sharon diagnosed in May and spent my birthday and our first anniversary in hospital, then passed away in my arms on 17th October. 

I miss you so much my darling, you always be my one and only true love, and cannot wait until you are in my arms once more, love you always. XXXX

Hello

please don’t be concerned about saying exactly how you feel, you won’t get anyone down, I promise, we are ALL here to help one another 

if at any time, you feel unable to post here in an open forum, P.M. me and we can chat

you are right, there really is no pain like this. If my Linda had passed just 8 weeks ago, I would not be doing anything for Christmas, at that time I was in a very dark place. I still hoped and prayed that it was all a terrible nightmare and my Linda would suddenly be here again. I guess with a deep sadness I have come to accept this isn’t going to happen and that is my new reality. Linda passed almost 5 months ago now, doesn’t stop me talking to her constantly, I told her about how I’d done the Christmas decorations and that I knew it wouldn’t be exactly as she liked, but I am just a man and did my best. Told her endlessly how much I miss her and Love her, these conversations invariably result in a flood of tears, but the rest of the time I just muddle through life, shopping ( as little as possible ) and all the other essentials of daily life. I have to admit to failing miserably in housework. Must start a regime again, I was good initially then thought, “ what the heck” So my challenge will be to start housework again.

I can’t remember exactly when I took down the sympathy cards, but it could have been 3 months, just couldn’t bear to do it. Felt like closing a door. They are safe in a drawer with some other bits of hers. 

I saw the GP after 2 months, as the pain was unbearable, self destructive thoughts etc etc. he put me on anti depressants, which helped a little, but not enough, he then increased the dose after a few weeks, now I am managing. It’s a strange kind of sensation, totally sad, empty, lonely, numb, but at least I feel I can cope with day to day stuff, j u s t…..

going to join our local social club for the elderly in January, hopefully will get me out and meet people, saying hello to the supermarket checkout girl is about as much as I can manage now, which is more than 2 months ago, when I really saw no way forward at all.

sorry if I’m rambling, but I assure you it will get easier, not easy, just easier, with time, but you may well need some support, we all do one way or another, see your GP, tell him how you are, you must be kind to yourself.

keep safe and well

Hi MelanieL

Sometimes people reading posts accidentally hit the “report to moderate “ button . Especially if they are using their phones . This automatically puts a safeguard in by putting the file to admin for a quick check and they pop them back on . I do it loads of times by accident .

You can also email the staff at any time if you are unsure why something happens as there are glitches in systems and they have technical teams to help sort it out for a better user experience. 
Just thought you might like to know as it happens a lot .

Take care ,

Court 

Hii donated money from Ric's funeral to develop the site as it helped me so much. I am a little disappointed in some of these changes. As Mel says we are adults and should be able to write what we feel. That did help me a lot in the past. 

Alison xxx