Hi all,
As some of you know, I have been training with Living Well Dying Well and End Of Life Doula UK to become an End Of Life Doula as I really do feel called to helping dying people and their families to have the death they truly want, the good death that they deserve. Interestingly, the last two days of training on Zoom have brought up memories of Paul's and my final days. I can see the things that I did well, like explaining to him why he didn't need to go to the bathroom and ho his bladder catheter worked, which none of the nurses made the time to do, or how I gave him a hu and reasured him that, yes, we would go to the more beautiful place soon but not right now as we needed to spend this night in the hospital - knowing of course that he wanted to die and knowing full well that he would soon do so and that that was why I could make that promise to him. But I can aso remember the things I did not do well and would never do now as I am moving into the role of End Of Life Doula like handing him a glass of water and expecting him to drink from it rather than giving him a straw because he would be able to drink the water that way or so much wanting a hug from him and asking for one in the final days instead of understanding that he neither had the energy emotionally nor the energy physically to do so or the fact that I wasn't able to accept that we were coming to the end of our journey and that the most important thing now was to be comfortable for him and to have quality time for us (sitting together, talking gently, maybe even talking about his dying). And the thing that hurts me the most is to know that I cannot change any of those things and that they will always be there as a memory and that other families who will take my service will benefit from but that I will never be able to do it better with Paul. I am writing this and I am very aware that I can hold this pain. I don't think I am looking for any of you to tell me that I did the best I could under the circumstances because I know that and I am not beating myself up but it still hurts and that's why I wanted to say it here.
Lots of love to you all, Mel.
