How to cope with the feeling that everyone around you is 'moving on'

Hi there,

I can completely relate to how you're feeling.  It was 6 weeks yesterday that my beloved husband passed, like you I cared for him at home and was with him and holding his hand.

Things that people say just seems so insensitive sometimes, I end up feeling very angry and upset about it - please know this is completely normal, or as normal as normal can be these days.  

In some ways I do think people are afraid to talk or ask you how you are, some people just don't know what to say, and others are on a mission to "cheer you up", but I will say that sometimes it does help to talk.  I got angry the other day when my family were just talking, joking around etc..I know they care but for me it didn't feel right, it really upset me. It's like the world keeps turning, everyone carries on with their lives and meanwhile my life has completely fallen apart.  I realised that whilst they all cared about him, it is my world that has fundamentally changed.  

It really is so hard.. I try not to snap at people but sometimes it can't be helped, and people say the stupidest things sometimes which can be so hurtful.. it feels like no one understands. 

I wish I had something more profound to say but I don't have the answers, so I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. 

xx

Thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate you sharing your feelings. It really is a comfort to know I am not alone in feeling this way! I flit between being angry at people 'moving on' but then also sometimes feel angry toward people who talk about him in a way that makes me think 'well you didn't know him as I did'....if that makes sense. It's such a rollercoaster of emotions! 

It really resonates with me when you say that it feels like no one understands. I don't want to sound like I am invalidating anyone else's bereavement but I just don't think people realise that I did not have a life away from my husband, we worked/lived/socialised at weekends together and never spent much time apart. So to go from that to nothing is such a shock. In a strange way, I am envious of others being able to wake up in the same house, go to the same job, actually have a job to get out to, and still be able to walk through their door and hug their significant other after a long day. I don't mean to sound self-pitying but I don't think anyone in our circle understands how difficult it is to lose absolutely everything and still try to just exist every day x

Hello MrsMarland,

I fully understand where you are coming from with your post

In 22 years together [ 21 married ] Debbie and I only had 4 or 5 occasions when we were apart, this was as you can

guess due to hospital in patient stays and about 8 weeks ago when she went into a hospice for pain control, after

two nights alone one of the nurses said it was ok for me to be with her at night if I was happy to sleep in the chair.

As you can imagine I was in and her smile was beaming, the nurses said that they came into the room and could feel

the love, in the morning they would wake us up as we lay side by side holding hands.

We built in the words of the seekers song " A world of our own that no-one else could share,"

Nobody was allowed into our special private world.

We did not want to spend time with other people, just the two of us was fine, lock-down and furlough was three of the

best months we could have asked for.

I understand being envious of others, if I see a couple together it should be us, yes I wanted more time with Deb`s I

never had enough.

I feel your pain and miss the hugs and love we shared.

I hope you can be strong.

John.

Hi,

All those feeling are perfectly valid. And it's true that often people don't really know what to say, mention it or not etc. I've been sometimes pushing them a bit, by talking openly about my grief and made people weep in the middle of the road (Revenge!) . We are not taught to deal with death and grief in our society even though everyone will go through it at one point.

I remember finding it hard during my wife's illness to see other people walk by loudly in the street coming out from the pub while we were wondering how long she would cope with treatment etc.

I have found that the cycle of seasons on the other hand has been really helpful to me. Walking the dog in nature on a daily basis, you have to face the fact that life and death is part of the cycle and that wether you want it or not, the universe didn't stop. It doesn't make any sense at first, but eventually it carried me to move forward slowly, like a gentle wave.

As usual, time is the best healer. It's slow and painful, but it does work. And in the meantime this forum is full of good souls willing to share.

Sending you virtual hugs xx

Hello, I lost my wife to bowel cancer almost 7 months ago. It had also spread to the liver and spine, resulting in emergency spinal surgery that had her off treatment for about 8 weeks. It was this time she got so poorly and recovery wasn’t happening. The liver became so bad and 6 months after diagnoses she was gone. Like you I cared for her at home and was by her side at the end. 
I have angry spells but mostly I’m just overwhelmed. We got married a month before she passed and thought we would have more time. Then I lost our two senior dogs within a month of each other. I felt punished.
7 months on and I’m triggered by a lot of things but trying to live a life I know she would want me to. I can’t predict how I’m going to feel from one hour to the next but there’s nothing normal about the loss we have endured. 

Hi everyone in this thread,

I am so very sorry to read about all your losses and my heart goes out to you on this cold Saturday morning. I lost my Paul three and a half years ago and while it has definitely become a lot easier to live without him, I still have moments when it hurts so so very much that I cannot even breathe properly. Moving forward is hard, but it is what we have got to do and, as some of you rightly say, what they would want us to do.

Hippodog, your post resonated with me because of what you said about the treatment break during which your wife got worse. It was the same for my husband. He had to pause treatment because of Influenza A and also pneumonia, or I should say the Influenza developed into Pneumonia, and his liver got worse and worse and nothing could have stopped that. As our oncologist said at the time, "The dilemma you have in these situations is that either the cancer patient gets well quickly enough to continue treatment or they don't get well quickly enough and the body becomes to weak for the treatment." I know though that, even if Paul had continued treatment, he would have passed away very soon because his body wouldn't have been able to take the chemo much longer. What I did not really see at the time, but can see very clearly now, is that it had been palliative chemo all along and the doctors had known all along that this wasn't going to bring cure, not even a reduction of the cancer, but only buy us more time.

Lots of love, stay strong! Mel.

This is a bit off topic but I can relate too with the treatment being palliative all along. When my wife was diagnosed (lung cancer spread to the bones, and more actually) it was hard to take it in and I think that they formulated it as "we can't completely cure you, but we hope to be able to control it". We didn't dare ask for a prognosis. She was gone in 10 months. And same as you two, the pause between the failed treatment and the maybe promising next one was when she declined and eventually passed away. I think that her motivation took a massive toll when they told us (on the phone,.COVID times) that the treatment has not worked and it was a question of months now. We were planning for years at least. 3 weeks later she was gone.

I wondered at the time if it was worth it at all or we should have gone on a trip around the world instead. But she wasn't well enough (her hip bone was eaten by the cancer). Now I know that you can't rewrite what happened and that we just have to accept what is.

hi Devin, I agree, i didn’t take in that chemo was palliative only and once finished could be managed. we never asked the question what happens if 6 months of aggressive chemo doesn’t work.

I soon found out as after 1 chemo, the cancer had spread so much they stopped the remaining sessions and Rob passed away a month later.  

It’s such a lot to take in and although the cancer team were great looking back they didn’t really tell us everything, it came out in dribs and drabs.  They mentioned palliative team a few times but for some reason I kept thinking why are they saying palliative when he’s having chemo?

i think it hit me when we got full PIP as you only get that if you have a limited life left.

if only……….

That's when it hit me too! Full PIP was like a kick in the face, Colin died 3 weeks later

I get this too, the chemo paperwork had the palliative box ticked and Bec didn’t really understand this… I was reading between the lines and I was panicking inside. After 4 rounds, 8 weeks off treatment and “mop up” radiotherapy and STILL no contact from her team as they were basically waiting for the surgery recovery, she went downhill so quickly. Ambulance to another hospital and another consultant who did every test and scan available before telling us she had 2 weeks. My wife died at home 10 days later and the full end of life care was extensive and exhausting but you just push through it. I’d do anything. 
Sending so much love to anyone who is going through this now.