Diary is a desert....

hi,

So sorry to read your news.  My hubby also died from PC a short time after being diagnosed and like you there are family politics.

You soon come to know who your true friends are, at the funeral so many people said to me that we would meet up but only my true friends have stayed in touch, I know I live quite away from many people but the odd text or call wouldn’t go amiss.

Life goes on for everybody and I guess many people don’t know how to treat us in case we break down.

I have a beautiful daughter who is my rock but at 23 she shouldn’t be spending all her time with so I joined the local WI (I am the youngest I think) and have met some nice people, I am also doing some volunteer work which means I get out of the house.

My advice is to keep busy when you can and if invited to go for a ok o a coffee, go.  Easier said than done as I haven’t always taken my own advice but it’s baby steps.

Stay strong

Glenis 

I know the feeling very well. Family is far away but I have close friends but it's sometimes hard to keep pushing for things to happen. And it's not always easy either to hang around with couples when you're on your own. I've lost my wife last year in August and over that time I have developed new friendships with different people, some of them are single which means that they're more available to go for a walk or for a drink.

When the diary is empty I try to take it as a good thing, as a chance to learn to be happy on my own. It's easier said than done but it helps to feel like I'm an active member of the situation rather than just feeling it's dawned on me.

That said, yes joining local groups or volunteer groups seems like a great idea to meet new local people. And sometimes friends just need to be pushed a bit to understand that you need them.

Take care xx

Friends do need a push/hint in the right direction! I was out with some ex work lassses the other day- met at 1.30, went to the cemetery and came back to meet them after 5 and stayed out wih them till about 8. They are good friends but still have their husbands, even though they have good social lives with different groups they still have someone to go jome to. I 'mentioned' a quiz at the pub local to me and now we have the task of getting together on a Thursday- let's see how that goes!!

As for family politics there's only Colins mam who appears to have swinging brick for a heart, I don't dwell on that. I don't need to see her till 8 December which is her 82nd birthday not looking forward to that! 

Thank you Glenis, today I have my step daughter suggesting a seating plan for the Crem that puts all 'her' side of the family on one side, and her step sisters and me on the other. She has disrespected her father's choice to be with me for over 20 years... this 'us and them' is the last thing I want. I had already requested that my daughters sit behind her and her family. To add to my woes, my husband's brother and his brother's wife, who I get on with well, now can't attend as she is very ill. !! I despair. I just want to ban the lot of them at the moment. Can't they just respect me for a few hours on one day... 

oh no, That’s they last thing you need.  My husbands parents and sisters all sat together on one side leaving myself and my daughter to sit alone.  I asked my best friend and husband to sit with us as we needed somebody. My best friend also walked with Amy and I as we followed Rob in.

As the old saying goes, you can’t choose your family only your friends (or something like that). 

The 24th will be a very sad day but you will have done your husband proud.  As my counsellor has said to me, I need to let go of the pain that Robs immediate family have given me over the years and concentrate on what is good in my life like my daughter and good friendships. 

Stay strong

Glenis 

Oh my goodness! I will hold your words close on the day, if it happens to me I know I will not be the first (or the last no doubt), and that like you, I will get through it and find out who my true friends are regardless of the way the 'family' treat me. It's so sad. It's not what my husband wanted at all, he always wanted us to get on, hopefully my step son will do the right thing and sit beside me. So dreadful feeling like she's manipulating me as we all know her mother will be watching via the web link. Such pettiness. Such lack of empathy - I've just been widowed - he was the love of my life, and I his. 

Hi peachez,

Lost my wife of 15 months died just over 5 months after diagnosis of gall bladder cancer. However I have today read some medical documents and the death certificate that both say “choliangio carcinoma” basically bile duct cancer not gall bladder ! I am rather stunned because at no time has this cancer been mentioned to myself or my wife (Sharon).

anyway I read your post, I have two children (both in 30’s) my wife and I were so overwhelming in love with each other which everyone could see, except my children. When we announced our marriage plans, let’s say it was not the response we accepted but basically they wouldn’t come ! Didn’t matter in the end due to covid, but when Sharon started to decline with the cancer we discussed in depth my kids and her funeral. For both of us it was obvious they should not attend her funeral as this would be pure hypocrisy, and so they were not invited. I am so incredibly lucky to have an older brother who has been my rock right from the evening Sharon passed.

He had discussion with kids and made them see why things went the way they did, my kids accepted this and have now kept in contact with me, but I find it a challenge given the way they disrespected both me and more importantly Sharon. We will have to see how things

it is Sunday evening once again, I’m sat in front of TV trying to get something to take my interest. It doesn’t and I continue to find increasingly longer spells of loneliness.  today I went out for a nice lunch with my brother, his partner and my best mate. It was lovely but then you end up back at home and it hits you like a brick that you walk in to an empty house. Sharon’s sat beside me on the table and it does help me to some extent, and whenever I feel lonely I take the urn and kiss and cuddle it and yes I talk to her more and more. Sounds crazy but there’s no one around to hear or see me, plus I couldn’t care less anymore.

This forum really helps me because everyone gets you so to speak, but it is a simple fact the loneliness will always grab you again whenever it wants, sorry but it’s true. I hate it and inevitably the tears will follow and I keep asking why, why, why Sharon was taken from me at such an early age (66) and we had just 6 of the happiest years of our lives together, we talked about growing old together and how happy we would be to do so. Now I feel I have nothing in the future, which upsets me more of course partly because I have several family and friends who support me brilliantly, but they can never replace that special bond and understanding Sharon and I had.

fortunately Sharon never had kids or any other family, and so with my brothers support and an excellent funeral director I made all decisions on the funeral and wrote the order of service. I was given excellent advice to have a humanist minister. Who was brilliant and after we spoke he wove a wonderful story of Sharon’s life and our time together. I chose ALL the music and had four pieces non of which were hymns (Sharon not religious) and I can tell you everyone there thought the service was perfect.

I think we all have to learn to accept there will always be times of loneliness, unless you have someone who could move in and be there 24/7 even then it can’t be the same. I’ll be the first to admit it is very difficult, at lonely times you inevitably remember the times with your loved one. However, we luckily have the opportunity to link up with many others who get our feelings on this forum.

Good luck to you and remember things are still very raw and have many ups and downs to get through, but together we can.

take care

Paul

Peachez, I had Craig’s funeral on 15/11/21 and last week had quite a busy diary taking up the offers of walks etc, this next week have a few things booked but also feel I need an opportunity to catch up with some paperwork stuff so deliberately kept couple of days free. What I will say is do what feels right for you not anyone else.

Family politics we had been estranged from Craig’s parents for over 10yrs but I feel I was the bigger person & sent them the funeral arrangements so they could travel from Spain, thankfully for me they chose not to come over but I did meet the night before the funeral with his Aunty & cousins, this brought me some peace/ laid demons to rest before the service. Emotions play a huge part in these sudden situations so sometimes we can and sometimes we can’t put differences to one side for a few hours. We have a saying in Yorkshire ‘ there’s nowt so queer as folk’

Focus on yourself on 24th this is what you can control the rest you can’t 

Tracey xxx

Thank you all so much, for each and every reply, 

24th went off ok. Stepson was a rock from the moment he landed from Aus. I shook like a leaf through the service, and he sat beside me and held my hand. We had two of Tony's oldest friends sitting next to us, and all the other children and grandchildren on the other side as I wanted.

Stepdaughter had a face like a wet weekend most of the day, and was showing the old friends photos of her and her Dad & Mum from the 1980's. Apparently lots of people had been saying how happy he looked in the slide show I had put together ! The old friends , who had known him and his first wife for years, also told me how after they first met me, they went home and commented on the fact that they could both see how happy Tony was with me,  & they thought we were 'soul mates'! 

Woke up the following morning, feeling that now, I've done all I can for my darling husband. I'm going to keep talking to him, and will keep him near once I have the ashes back. I already have a photo in every room and talk to those.  Tilly's Dad, I know just what you mean about not being able to concentrate on anything, even TV. I'm giving myself a few weeks to hibernate, and have promised friends that in the New Year I will get back out to a couple of the social groups we both used to be a part of.

There's a plan for scattering but it can wait until my sister in law is properly well, then we can make a 'thing' of it for my husband's brother as he wasn't able to come last Wednesday. But I might just keep a bit of him back just for me. 

I'm having moments when the grief just comes out of nowhere and whacks me. It's so deep isn't it. Like it's welling up from the centre of the earth. Though I could keep company around, and rush off being busy, I have a feeling there's some process to this, and that I need to let it happen for a while...