Alcohol. And my life!

I don’t think that Anne would want you to do this. Maybe the hardest thing you have ever done for Anne is slowly inching your way back to life. I understand the instinct to check out of life, but I keep thinking about what a man who’d lost his wife said: “when you see someone you love fight so hard for life, you owe it to them not to chuck it away”.  

Doesn’t mean it’s easy. My husband was my everything, I don’t know who I am without him and I don’t have a lot of enthusiasm for finding out. But life was ripped away from him and I don’t want to dishonour that. And I don’t want to consider what he’d think of me giving up. So I plod on. I hated the thought of counselling, but I’m going to try it because god knows I need help. 

You know, you’re kind of asking for help here. Maybe you could find a way to let someone help you. Not easy, all of this is hideous and hard and overwhelmingly wretched.  But. 

Thank you  kindly Amanda

And thank you for sharing.

You are right. Anne was a very strong woman. When she was given  6months to one year to live she said to me  in the car driving home " Well at least I've been given my life sentence. " Not a tear. Even until I saw her take her last sweet breath at the hospital. And yes!  She would hate what I'm becoming. 

But I'm me and not my Anne. I'm weak and she was strong. Yin & Yang. 

Jeff,

What I am going to say in this post may sound not compassionate or even harsh to you. But I hope you can take the message in my post in the spirit in which it is given.

You have posted here repeatedly about the fact that, at around 3pm, you start drinking because you cannot live a full day without your Anne. You have also repeatedly told us that this was your last post now because you had nothing else to say or contribute.

I know it is so so hard without your Anne. I know it because I am finding it hard without my Paul too, even though we did not have the fortune to spend 50 years together. It is so very hard.

You are using alcohol as what one of my meditation teachers would call "false refuge" because it helps temporarily to numb the pain and gets you through another day, but ultimately it doesn't help at all because it doesn't help you one single step further on this journey through grief.

And, Jeff, whether we want it or not, it is a journey with grief. Anne is no longer alive. You are still here. And I agree with Amanda or should I say tthat quote from a widower she posted: We have seen them - our loved ones, our soul mates - lose their lives after fighting so hard to remain here, do we think they would want us to throw our lives away? Or would they perhaps say: You've got only one life, now go and live it, go and make the most of it. Or maybe, if you believe you'll be reunited with your Anne, she might say: Come on, Jeff, do something with this one precious life, we will be reunited anyway at some point, so live life until then, okay?

You say you don't want help. I think you should get help. 

Mind yourself, Melanie.

I agree with you Melanie,  could not have written that any better

Take Care Ellie x

Some people to think they know everything about everything because you just dont, we all have a different perspective of our situation and should be careful how we judge others,this will be my last post as its not helping me personally hope we all find our way x

Jqane, I absolutely agree with you in saying that we don't know what goes on in another person's heart and mind. However, we still have a good sense of what is healthy and what is unhealthy. And to use alcohol to numb yourself on an ongoing basis and to repeatedly tell yourself and others that this is the only thing you can do because there is no point in living is not healthy. There is nothing here we can argue about. 

Hi Amanda

I had decided against counselling until one day changed my mind. I went to pick up the post hoping there was a letter informing me that Ian was coming home. He had passed away suddenly and unexpectedly about  17 weeks before this. I knew then that I needed help.

I’ve only had a few sessions yet and in some ways it has helped me to begin understand how I am reacting to the loss of Ian. There is no quick fix as I’ve spent the last two days in tears for one reason or another. I can smile and laugh but all the time I feel surrounded by a dark cloud of sadness. 

I’ll have to wait and see what the future holds. The only thing I do know is that counselling can never bring Ian back, change the fact that my house feels like an empty shell  or take away that feeling of loneliness that is all encompassing. I’m just hoping it will enable me to come to terms with what has happened but my counsellor has been honest and told me that on average that can take up to two years. For some it could be longer, for some shorter but sadly, for some never……

Julie x

Those feelings are exactly like mine. I’ll give it a go. I can’t bear to think that this is how I’ll feel forever. Let me know how you get on.