I thought I was prepared but obviously not.

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My husband sadly passed away last Wednesday.He had become very confused and psychotic,it was disturbing to see and frightening for him.Although he had originally wanted to stay at home,he agreed that we could not manage even with a good care package put in place.Luckily he had been in our local hospice back in July and was very impressed so was willing to go back there.I have nothing but huge praise for everyone there, he was so difficult and often very rude to the staff but they treated him so kindly and with dignity and respect. I thought I was prepared for the his passing,I had had 12 months to come to terms with his terminal diagnosis,also I knew it would be a release for him and me from the torture he was going through.Both myself and our son were with him when he died after several hours of extreme agitation,he had been given regular medication to calm him but he just got worse.BUT it was still a shock when he died,he finally looked calm for the first time in weeks,but all I feel now is guilt that I couldn’t do more..I know these feelings are normal but I obviously didn’t really believe that he was going to die. I have realised I have lots of programs recorded on the TV which I had saved for when he came home.I don’t want to watch them on my own.A big comfort to me has been the hospice staff saying how fond they were of him,they remembered him from July and knew that it was the illness,not him at the end.They have been amazing,he was there for three weeks so we got to know each other well.

Amanda278 over 2 years ago

Of course it was still a shock - you’re now out of coping mode and can mourn the man you loved and remember him for how he really was, behind the illness.

Incidentally, it sounds like you did your best with a really difficult situation. Try not to feel guilty.

MelanieL over 2 years ago

Hi Alice,

Please accept my sincere condolences on the death of your husband. What a traumatic journey you both have been through. And I think the only consolation is that he doesn't have to suffer any longer and you have the support of your son and hopefully other loving family and friends around you to help you through this difficult time.

You couldn't have done more than you did. He was in a good place - you yourself say you have nothing but praise for the staff of the hospice - and you were with him when he died.

Of course there was a part in you that knew and came to terms with the inevitable. But there is also always a part in us that doesn't want to believe it, that holds on even to the tiniest of hopes, and afterwards we can't understand how we even did this. I was the same when my husband died. We were in the hospital on the final day of his life, and finally, when the doctors had told me that he was dying, I was able to admit it to myself and to him. Before this time, at home alone with him, I had known that he was dying but I had fought so hard to keep my tears at bay and to keep the devastation at bay, just to function and to be able to go on I think. So what you are experiencing is absolutely normal I think because I have experienced it too and so many people on this site.

Mind yourself as best you can and keep posting.

Love, Mel

I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds.

Alice45 over 2 years ago in reply to MelanieL

Thank you for your kind words.It is so helpful to write on here how we feel and know others really do understand,although it is sad that so many of us have been through this. I think because Gareth’s last few weeks and especially last hours were so traumatic it shocked me more.I have been more fortunate than some as my support network have been excellent,both professional and family.

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