Just need to talk about it

Hi 

Hi Mel,

I'm not on here very often these days, but I remember you from when you first lost Paul. I lost my husband in November 2017, about 6 months earlier,I think?

Covid has certainly changed a lot of things. Like you, I was getting along with my life, got a new dog after having lost our old one, even took him away for a few days to the coast. Generally started picking up the threads. Then covid! 

I thought I would be ok on my own, but have been shocked at how much I actually need company. I was sole carer for my mum who lived next door, so that kept me busy, but then she died in March this year, so then I really was alone. Sadly my dog had developed lymphoma and I'd had to have him put to sleep a few months beforehand.

On the plus side, my daughter gave birth a few days after my mum died, to my first grandchild, who I now look after 3 days a week.

I think covid has halted what progress we were making, and generally speaking, everything seems less certain, so that has a knock on effect with how we feel about our lives. I certainly feel as though I have stalled, although coping with another bereavement has taken its toll.

I can't tell you what to do, but I often think that if I'm in a stew over something, I'm better off not doing anything for a while. It may be that you need to take stock a bit and accept how you feel for now. It won't be like this forever. Going back to Germany will still be a possibility in the future, won't it?

I hope your test was ok and you met up with Margaret. Maybe you do need to sit on the settee and drink tea ! Could you do that in your own place? Don't be too hard on yourself, and don't forget our resilience isn't great when we're unwell.

Hope you have a better week x

Hi MelanieL,

Just a thought why take on a part time job in Ireland this would provide a regular income run it alongside your business.  Being an employee would also release some of the pressure running the business and enable you to meet people and be less isolated.  Maybe also generate leads for the business.

You’ve been very good and helpful to so many of us here.  Hope you find a solution.

Peter x

Hi Mel,

It's Sunday afternoon where I am and I was just thinking how much life has changed, how much my Sundays have changed. Before, once I'd prepared my classes for the week on Sunday mornings, Gilles and I used to go for drives by the sea or lake and then walk for an hour or two. Today, nothing happens on  Sunday, apart from preparation for my courses. With that thought in mind, I decided to come on to the forum to have a read. 

As you know, there are no easy answers. I can't even begin to give you advice but I can say that I understand how you feel. I don"t really have any friends here in French Guiana, just  work colleagues. Although it gets really lonely, I do prefer the climate here than the one in Europe and I am closer to my family who live in the Caribbean. I do have a few friends in France and it might be a little less lonely there but it's a choice I've made. Besides, as I may have said many times, I do not see myself living in France without Gilles.

But, friends or no friends, we are bound to find ourselves on our own much more now. We're also being called to re-evaluate our lives and what we want. The deaths of our spouses have left us with our individual challenges that are not easy to face. Sometimes I wonder if there's some trickster making us deal with the very thing we've tried all our lives to avoid. I'm tempted to suggest you stick it out a little longer in Ireland because, at least, you have friends there.

Yes, in the end, we do want someone to take care of us. My parents couldn't offer me much comfort after Gilles died because of their own issues. In fact, my father died 3 weeks ago, so little by little, the people I thought would always be in my life are disappearing.

Mel, you'll figure it out. And, by the way I hope your test has come back negative.

I'm sending you lots of love and I'm hoping that sooner or later you will find clarity concerning your situation.

I guess we all inch forward. I don't find I miss Ric as such anymore. I have also finally grieved for Simon too. Simon's nephew died a few weeks ago and I was finally able to talk properly to his sister about him. That has helped a lot strangely.

I have a boyfriend but I am cautious. I love him in a different way but I would never remarry. I love his company and spending time with him but also realise my job and children come first. Not to make the same mistake in life again. I am probably scared of grief etc.

I think Peters idea of a part time job could be the answer. It may give you some stability and new friends.

Take care

Love and hugs Alison Xxx

Hello guys,

Firstly, I would like to thank all of you who have taken the time to read my post, to think about it and to send beautiful and warm responses.

Secondly, I would like to say to those of you who were suggesting getting a parttime job, how much I would love that but how almost impossible it is due to my situation that I am almost totally blind; I think sighted people cannot imagine how full of prejudice this world is when it comes to disabilities, the remarks I have had to endure during job interviews such as "We wonder will she be able to find the bathroom on her own..." or even the direct question, "Will you be punctual for work every day?" are really a disgrace but that's the world we live in and it's perhaps partly the reason why I work as a holistic therapist (and hopefully soon as a death doula) because there I am being accepted for who I am and for what I have to offer. I think also with COVID-19 it would be even harder to find a different job right now.

However, I have calmed down a lot over this past week, little by little, every day a bit more. No, I don't have many friends here. And no, my job isn't as busy as I would like it to be. But I cannot make a decision about where I want to live right now. It is too complex to decide in only a few days or even months. And I suppose because I have been living here since 2010, this feels very much like home and I really need to give this life here one really good last shot before I decide to move to Germany - or not as the case may be.

Sometimes though I am thinking: What's the point though in living in a country which is not my home country, far away from my family, when the reason for my life here, my soul mate and best friend and husband, is no longer here? I mean, who lives far far away from their parents when they don't have to? I mean, I am a real family person also, so maybe I should go where my family is.

But for now I am giving this a very, very big push.

Lots of love, Mel