Guilt.

I'm sorry you feel like I do,I promised him it was just to sort his pain relief out,then he could come home,he was on every pain medication he could have he even had me soaking him in deep heat to take his mind off the pain he was in he never came home,I'm still traumatised myself 14 months on,did I spend enough time with him why didn't he break down and tell me how scared he was could I have been a better wife he passed away and taken me with him,caring for a loved one with a terminal illness is awful it definitely leaves you with ptsd,and guilt but there is not alot of after care for us,

There is no hope...

You did everything you could at the time I'm sure.

And I agree, not a lot of aftercare  for us and it has to be the right kind with the right service/person. Sadly I've experienced it both ways, losing my mum suddenly and now my partner to cancer after caring for him. And i feel guilt in both situations. Life really does suck.

Have you tried counselling? Though it has to be the right person and time. My past experiences were rubbish but the one I'm speaking with now is good, from the hospice, maybe because she's more specialist.

Sending strength 

I feel guilty too and it's tough as our partners aren't here to forgive us, and seems a cheat to do a white wash ourselves. I cared for Juan Luis at home, but was working at the same time, so wasn't with him all the time. I was always trying to sort out the next thing to make him more comfortable. Just the Saturday before he died he said don't look at your mobile, you'll miss me when I am gone. I was trying to get a ramp for the shower 

Now never a chance just to sit with him, similar to what Steve ho says. But we didn't think he would go so fast with the haemorrhage 

.  I feel bad I didn't go in the ambulance with him when he had a sort of shock and couldn't speak or stand up. On prior occasions we said best to go by car to get home afterwards .But I should have gone with him When I got to the hospital he was unconscious and never woke up. I agree with you about the after care for carers not existing . We were going to the oncologist for 19 months. And then heard nothing.

I can have 3 counselling sessions from work. Final one in a week or so. It seems helpful. 

I realise I can go on false batteries keeping myself busy, but once alone iit gets worse. My daughter has been around but think she will be off with her boyfriend soon. Being alone after years of full house is not nice.

How life can change and after so many years of peacefulness... 

Yeah, the team around my partner were involved for nearly 3 years but once he was referred to palliative care,nothing ever again.  What is that about? I understand they refer on but they said he would still come under their team....anyway I guess they have plenty of other patients.

I too was working whilst caring for him right up until that last week and feel guilty for doing so, I wish I'd stopped before and spent more time with him even though I was working from home. I guess I was trying to hold on to a little bit of normal routine though it was far from normal. 

4 sessions of counselling, that sounds like very few. 

Take care

What's so difficult still is just to take in my husband won't ever be back, and I'll never be able to correct the error I made in spending too much time working. People say you only did what you could, and  working was light relief and escapism. I guess counselling will help with the guilt, talking about what happened.. But not sure how I will forgive myself at the moment. I am busy now too, have a big team, and when I stop, just feel the big abyss in front of me. 

Try not to beat yourself up. He wouldn't want that either I'm sure. I hear you re 'the abyss', I feel the same

We all have these feelings what ever we do, mine was in the last week of Adele’s life, I been awake for, well days,cleaning her mouth, you don’t need any more , for one moment at some silly o’clock I said, please let me sleep for just a few minutes and it’s lived with me for years after.  Should it, no it should not , as it should not with you, we are human, we have weakness, flaws, we are not and never can be perfect.    Look at all the good you did, the love you gave.   Did you just sit and hold her hand, that means more than all the things you’re beating yourself up for.   Yes it hurts, a lot, but it’s not your fault.

I found this article with tips on how to cope with guilt and forgive yourself. You should embrace and identify the reasons, can write a letter to your partner, and then write their one to you. 

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/grief-guilt-and-forgiveness#accept-cookies

I think will be a long process. The glioblastoma changed my husband's personality a bit and he was more angry, depressed and critical and of me too. 

I should write the letter from a bit earlier when he said I have no regrets about my life. That was before he had cancer. 

I always thought why do you say that so often when you have years ahead of you....

Hindsight would have been so good. I would have spent more time at his side. 

Thinking of everyone here sharing similar sadness and and thanks for the support