How do I say goodbye?

Hi Penny. So sorry to hear about your brother. 

Its so hard when you know whats coming but cant quite believe it. Nothing really prepares you, in my opinion anyway. My husband died just 8 weeks ago, quite quickly in the end. He had a lot of pain relief to settle him but I like to think he could hear us. We just sat with him, told him how much he was loved, named everyone in the family,  chatted about memories, and cried. I told him it was OK to go, he slipped away when I was out the room. He got his wish to die at home.

His sister was coming to visit the next day but he had already gone. Yes, she was heartbroken but she could not have got here any sooner.

Keep talking, it helps, whether family, friends here.

Hugs x 

Oh, bless you for your reply, Malengwa, it has really helped me to face what is to come.

I'm so sorry for your sad loss and, because of what you must be going through yourself, making the time to message me is especially appreciated.

We are all on our way now.

I shall take your wise words with me.

God bless xxx

Oh Penny, I am so sorry for you and your family but I have only just seen your posts. I hope that you can see this.

Please know that hearing is the last of the senses to go, even when the rest of the person appears shut down, they can sometimes still hear (it happened to my beloved Anne when she had sepsis & pneumonia - she remembered being in the ReSuss unit and someone saying "Heart failed, We're losing her" - she wanted to say "Poor woman, she should have some of the doctors around me" - not realising they were talking about her! Fortunately she survived her heart stopping 4 times and we had another 14 years together).

Tell your brother that he is loved. Even though you will be breaking inside, tell him funny stories, memories that made you all laugh. Talk about family holidays, memories, concerts, anything that meant a lot to you, and to him. Tell him how much he means to the family. Most of all, tell him he is loved.

Know that we are here to give whatever support we can from a keyboard miles away. It is a community that none of us wanted to be part of, but we do our best to help each other.

Wishing you and yours all the best - you are, sadly, not alone

Chris

Dear Chris

Thank you so much for your lovely message. It means the world to me.

I'm just so sorry that you've had to go through so much pain and loss to be able to relate to my own situation.

Bless you xx

Penny, how were things today?

The doctors would have been sure that your brother was dying and that miracles were not possible. They tell you this so you and all others who need to say goodbye, can take their advice and go and see him. Tell him how much he was loved, how you will cope without him . Remember  what were happy events. 

Thank you so much for asking, Malengwa.

My brother was not speaking but he knew we were there. His eyes opened when he heard my voice and he seemed very at peace, bless his heart.

He is dreadfully ill and the prognosis is not good but they are continuing with his treatment in the hope that he may even yet turn a corner.

The leukemia is virtually gone ... but he has developed all kinds of complications due to his treatment and his body is just not coping.

They gave it a name graft host disease?

I looked it up - now I wish I hadn't.

Bless you for your support xx

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.

Penny xx

Oh Bless You Penny. 

So sorry you are going through this. I remember `that time` quite well and I am 2 and half years in almost from losing my husband Jay to bowel cancer. He fought it for  2 long years and took everything they could throw at him until he could take no more. Four bouts of sepsis were thrown into the mix also and it was that I think along with his advancing cancer that finally took him in in June 2023. He wanted to pass here at home but in the end was just too weak and with the 4th bout of sepsis he had to be re-admitted to hospital. For months it was like he was on a bungee rope and and back and forward to hospital every other month. The day he passed in hospital it was just so hard to comprehend what he had become from what he was. He was a `big bear` of a man but slowly reduced to a shadow of his former self. I was very much in denial the whole time he was ill and finally when he became bedbound here at home even then I kept thinking he would get better and more or less refused to accept what the palliative care team were saying in hospital like it was all some big mistake and it wasn't Jay they were talking about but  someone else. But I knew myself he wouldn't get better and just had to try to accept it. I was with him when he passed and didn't even realise he had when he did. I was sitting by his bed watching the little TV in his room and he was lapsing in and out of consicousness and doing that horrible breathing they do at the end. I then became aware it had stopped and nudged him and got no response then lifted his arm with still no response and then it was like everything had gone into slow motion and I walked out to the nurses station and said `I think he's gone` and then I was taken into a side room while they went and saw to him.

What you are feeling just now is very natural and sometimes hoping for miracles is all we can do. I don't consider myself very religious but I don't know how many times I prayed that he would pull through but sadly not to be. It's hard to say how you would handle this but I think just being there for one another you your sisters and your brother's wife and just keep coming here when you need to and of course there is other support at MacMillan who will help you through this. This forum is a godsend and we can all relate to what one another is going through and we all `get it`. Take Care of yourself and best wishes to you moving forwards. 

Vicky x

Dear Vicky

Thank you and bless you for taking the time to share your experiences with me. You have no idea how much it has meant to me.

I am so sorry that you lost your dear husband to such a cruel illness - and that he had to go through so much torment before he lost his battle.

My darling brother passed away yesterday. His wife, daughters and their partners were all around him. He knew how much he was loved and was at peace. I still can't believe it.

My partner and I had been with him earlier. I think he must have passed only a couple of hours after we had left.

It had been such a shock to see him yesterday. On Saturday, I felt quite hopeful - despite the odds. But when we saw him yesterday he was breathing in the way you have described. He couldn't open his eyes - although he did try several times.

It has been wonderful to see how very loved he was - and by so many people. It's so cruel. The leukemia had gone but, as you say, the resulting complications were what overwhelmed him after eighteen months of intensive treatment and the regular 'dark places' his struggling body sent him to.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Vicky and, once again, bless you for your wise advice and for sharing your heartbreaking experience.

Sending you so much love.

Penny xxx