Broken

Dear Yani10

I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’ve found yourself in a place none of us ever wanted to be.    
I’ve managed somehow to reach 13 weeks yesterday since my beloved Maureen left me.  We too were so happy in each other’s company that we didn’t do anything apart and didn’t feel the need for outside company so don’t have many friends.  We also didn’t have a family although Maureen has a son who unfortunately has decided that he doesn’t want anything to do with me, she would be very sad at his decision, as I am.  

I still think she has just popped out and will walk through the door, then reality hits !   The loneliness is awful, but if I do talk to anyone I just end up in tears at the mention of her name.   I am fortunate that I have her beloved labrador who forces me out every day, otherwise I wouldn’t go anywhere. 

Maureen fought like no one could imagine,never complained just use to say one day at a time.  I lived in hope trying to never really face the reality that I knew was coming and boy did that come fast in the end. I relive that last day and night every day, it haunts me.  

I’m very grateful for the time we had together but needed longer.  
I miss her so terribly it’s unbearable, I cry on and off all day and yes you are right it does seem that nobody understands the feelings of loss, but I suppose until you’ve experienced it how can you.  

my thoughts are with you,  be gentle with yourself.  
take care 

Jon.  

Bobjake, 

Your words really touched me, my darling Sharon died 11 days ago in my arms. A large part ofe still feels it's all a very bad dream. 

However, today I saw her for first time in the chapel of rest, it was liked I'd been by a brick wall. There she was so still, cold... I just dropped toy knees and wept buckets. That's it we married 15 months ago having met later on life, had all these travel plans after Covid and they're all gone.

Now I'm just empty, broken, angry, guilty.... told my psychologist today each day is getting much tougher to endure. I've actually had some dark thoughts, maybe as I'm so tired and exhausted. Never thought I was brave enough, but today I genuinely thought maybe I am now my life is totally empty.

I dread tomorrow and the day after..... Facing the funeral next To Thursday is something I date not think about.

Best Wishes to all of you suffering at this time.

Paul x

Hello Paul 

you are a braver man than me, I couldn’t go to the chapel of rest as I just knew it would destroy me, I decided that my last memory was the last time Maureen was in my arms as she left me.  

we also met later in life and had so many plans, cancer and covid  put paid to those.  I’m told that eventually I will remember all the happy times,at the moment even those make me sad because there won’t be any more of them.  

I promised My Maureen I wouldn’t give up and end up in a dark place, I’m not doing very well at the moment,  early days yet for us both Paul.  

Dark days and thoughts are normal I’m told. Grief is bloody exhausting.  I know that life will never be the same again, I have no idea what it will look like. 
you will get through the funeral, the strength will come from somewhere you will find it for your Sharon.  I was dreading Maureen’s, but as I was told that it was the last thing I could do for the one I loved so much.  
Take care Paul 

All the best 

Jon.    

Thanks Jon,, your reply is appreciated.

Your point about grief being exhausting is so true. Just got a month of sleeping tabs from GP. Understand your position on Chapel of Rest, but I go just to hold her hand and have a chat (in between the tears). Today I went through the order of service with her, and played the music chosen and read the poems she and I wrote for each other. Also just chatted about anything, holding her hand was in a strange way very comforting, just pretending we were sat in front of the TV once more. I will go everyday up to the service for as long as I can.

Take care Jon and everyone else out there who is suffering.

Paul x

Jon,

Thank you for your reply, I feel your pain. I suppose you're right when you say nobody understands unless they've been through it.. I lost my father at the beginning of this year but losing a partner is really a very different kind of grief.

I wanted to tell you that it is ok to cry, letting these things out I suppose is part of the process. Also, I wanted to tell you that it's ok not to cry - there may be small moments and times where you are distracted, this is a good thing and nothing to feel guilty about.  

May I ask if you have had any counselling at all?  I know there's lots of places that offer it free of charge (Macmillan, Cruse etc) but usually they have quite a long waiting list - however if Maureen was registered with a hospice they should be able to arrange this for you.  I cared for my hubby at home but we registered with a hospice for some visits/support over the last few months,  I've never had any kind of counselling myself but have just asked about it at our hospice, hopefully someone will contact me to arrange this over the next couple of weeks. Talking may help you, especially if you're not really speaking to people at the moment which I totally understand -  don't worry if the tears come, they probably will, but hopefully you get a good counsellor who can listen and help guide you. For me, I do talk to family and friends but most of the time I find it frustrating, that said - every now and then someone says the right thing, and if just for a little while, it gives me some comfort. My motto through all of this was one day at a time as well.. now it's just one tiny step at a time but that's ok too. 

Reading your post the love you and Maureen had for eachother is very clear, I'm sure she felt it, as did you, some people spend their whole lives trying to find a bond as special - so hold on to that. 

Take care, sending you a virtual hug,

x

Hi Yani10

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for your kindness, weekends have seemed harder to get through.  I have been thinking about counselling, we did have contact with the hospice so I assume I could contact them… thanks for that.  I hope that talking to someone may put things into perspective 

we lived for each other, just hope she knew how much I loved her x

Thanks again 

hug to you   
Jon   X

Hi Jon, 

I don't think you should have any doubt that she knew. All Sharons friends have sent me cards saying how happy she was with me, and they could all see how much we loved each other.

Very kind of them and appreciated, but it also makes me miss her more and realise those happy times are gone now.

Best Wishes,

Paul