Husband

Hi,

So sorry for your loss and welcome to the group no one wants to be a part of. This is a great place you'll find I hope, filled with people who get it.

You're just at the beginning of your journey but you can already be sure that all the feelings you experienced are perfectly fine. Our brains need time to process and we all react differently but at the end of the day it's about coping and accepting, which will come further down the line.

I remember being frustrated and angry, maybe 6 months after my wife passed away because I felt for the first time that she had abandoned us (rather than me failing to save her which was on my mind a lot at the beginning). Juliette was diagnosed early November 2 years ago and passed last year in august so she had time to start (useless) palliative chemo and all that.l but everything accelerated by the end and we didn't really have a last chat either. When they said that it was the end and nothing could be done, she couldn't sleep, so she had sleeping pills prescribed and after that was dozy for a day and then passed away the next. No letter for the girls, no last chat with me. We can't rewrite what's been so the only thing we can do is accept. But it takes time so don't worry you'll go through all sorts of emotions and it's all fine.

Take care XX

Antoine

Hi, so sorry you had to join this group.  Yes what you are feeling is exactly what many of us have and are going through. 

For me it’s almost 10 weeks and at times it feels like he’s just away and will be back soon and then I realise i’m never going to see him again in this life.

The anger and frustration are normal.  I promised Rob that we would get through the cancer together, I couldn’t save him(he had the silent killer) and that does upset me as I feel I let him down. 

Re the funeral, if your soulmate didn’t give you instructions, do what you think they would have wanted and comforts you.  My Rob never told me what he wanted, he wasn’t religious and we had a humanist cremation.  The humanist captured him to a T.  I also set up a tribute site via Much Loved and friends and family uploaded photos and stories of Rob plus we used it s a donation site instead of flowers.

Just take each day as it it comes and lean on friends and family. 

Take care and i’m sending you a virtual hu

Glenis

Antoine

thank you for taking the time to respond, it is good to know others have/ are enduring the same thoughts

i have taken some comfort in the fact he died at home with me, it was quick which was what he wanted & had expressed if there was no treatment available, he had been given a little Hope some palliative chemo would shrink the tumour and give a bit of time, he did not endure some horrific treatment that alas may not of improved his quality of life but been extremely uncomfortable for the same outcome.

Glenis,

thank you. We never had more than one week apart so that is why it feels so strange worse when in bed alone at night, no reassuring hand on my hip or across my abdomen but thank ful my cat seems to sense something and cuddles up to me!
I have also booked a humanist minister I want the service to be a celebration of Craig’s life. I like the idea of the tribute site

Yes it was the same for me, Juliette passed away at home in our arms and even though she wasn't completely conscious, she was able to blow us a kiss and hold our hands.

Having been on this board for over a year now, I've read many stories that go from people passing away before diagnosis to people I know who were sick for a decade. In the end I'm not sure which is best. I know that Juliette would have wanted it like your husband I think retrospectively rather than the slow downfall she experienced (cancer in the hip bone meant that she went from limp to cane to crutches to wheelchair, cancer in the lungs meant she was on oxygen constantly for the last weeks). I think the main benefit of the quick departure is that you maybe won't have all the traumatic visions of all that. But then a different feeling of having missed out on more maybe. There is no good way or bad way, we're all dealing with a terrible loss. But we'll get there.

Take care.

Antoine,

lung cancer with Craig also not unwell until 2 weeks before diagnosis but mass very close to his heart got admitted with very fast heart rate initially & they wanted to know cause in someone with no medical history, his body had compensated for a long time until could cope no longer, was also present in lymph nodes, adrenal glands & bones, just taken too soon. Yes I agree with you not sure what is best treatment/ no treatment but again outcome is the same hence why we are chatting on here. 
u take care too & thank you

It was the bones that triggered the diagnosis for Juliette. She had pain in the hip, it took ages to get proper exams and that's when we had the big reveal, same as you, with adrenal glands, lymph nodes and bones. I think it's been one of the hard things to accept. That she'd been carrying this thing for ages and that we had no clue. We had wonderful times together so that's when I'm thinking that 10 years of chemo on/off might have had the same outcome and just lowered the quality of her life.

It was an important step to be able cherish all that we've had, be grateful, etc. to focus on the good things rather than the unexpected departure halfway through the adventure.

x