The dreaded word Christmas

  • 18 replies
  • 39 subscribers
  • 2815 views

Good morning,

So how do we manage Christmas without our loved ones?

Neither of us liked Christmas, so we went away most Christmas's. Last Christmas it was just the 2 of us, Rob was very poorly, but we were thankful he was still here, as doctors said he wouldn't reach Christmas.

He was up dressed and still eating, so with a bit a TV we managed the day just the 2 of us. He died 19th January.

We have no family and I don't want to be with anybody.

I just seam to upset everyone.

Please don't say do what feels right fir me, as none of it feels right. It all wrong he should be here.

Sending hugs to those who need it today.

Donna

  • Donna I will be interested to see the advice on this one.

    like you and Rob we were never thrilled with Christmas and this one will be my first without Gordon. It will just be me and our dog. We have no children. 

    My nephew and his family are having an open house to which I’m invited but he will understand if on the day I just can’t face it. 

    Last Christmas it was just the two of us as usual and most of it was spent lying on the bed as Gordon slept. He died on 15 th February.

    I send you big gentle, hugs Donna. 

    June

  • Thanks June,

    Yes I remember our paths were similar.

    We have just had Rob's wake, on 3rd Oct, which would have been him 55 birthday, thought I would gather a bit of strength up after that to face the next hurdle, but not worked.

    So now we need to manage Christmas, winter and work towards the anniversary of their deaths, all feels unmanageable.

    I am truly exhausted by it all.

    Love Donna x

  • I know what you mean about being exhausted but it’s not physical - I’m exhausted from the effort of keeping going yet I am trying very hard to keep going. I seem to be constantly worried about something - when will I get my booster jab, did I lock the doors, have I got enough dog biscuits etc etc. Gordon was always there to tell me to keep going and so I like to ask him to help me still. This morning I’ve walked the dog and had a coffee but now I’m having an hour on the bed watching TV. What are your plans for today Donna?

    June

  • i’m also dreading christmas, first without Rob who died 8 weeks ago, I don’t really have a big family and am not close to Robs at all. I know my friends will invite me for the day but I’m not sure what to do. 

    tbh i just want the day to be over , maybe nearer the time I’ll feel a bit better about the day.

    Its been a bad few days for me, lots of tears  as I miss him so much.  

    Glenis 

  • Hi Glenis

    Ii think you are right about seeing how you feel on the day - that’s what I’m going to do. I’m not crying lately which seems somehow odd. I think I’m just numb. 

    it’s raining very heavily here but a beautiful rainbow has now appeared. Gordon used to say to appreciate the rain as without it we’d never see a rainbow.

    much love 

    June x

  • Hello all

    I'm not sure how to answer this one but will share my thoughts. For me, it will be the second Christmas without Chris. It’s a year and a day since he died. He always complained about how much effort it seemed to require but did enjoy it! 
    So the first Christmas without him- to be honest, I don’t have much recollection of the details. Both my sons and my daughter in law were here but we didn’t do any of the excursions that we would normally have done. Partly because of the restrictions and lockdown that was in place, but to be honest that suited us quite well. We just wanted to be together. There was a huge Chris shaped gap but we tried to share happier memories of Christmas times gone past but I know I found that hard. What I do remember is that I found New Year’s Eve far more emotional and hard. My sons and daughter in law were still with me.  I was holding it together, just, until the fireworks started- Chris was like a big kid about fireworks- if we didn’t have a rocket or two of our own, he’d have been outside watching everyone else’s!! That was just too much. Also the thought of a new year that he would never be part of , other than in our memories, was just too much.
    This Christmas will be different for me and the boys. In many ways I expect it to be equally emotional as it will be the first Christmas for my new granddaughter. There will be joy as we are together but there will be sadness too- Chris would have made a wonderful grandad and would have doted on her. So I’m looking forward to celebrating with a baby in the family but I’ll have tissues close by! 
    As I say, I’ve no answers, but wanted to share my thoughts. Sending love and strength to you all

    Jane

    xx

  • Thanks June, and everyone,

    I smiled when you said just you and the dog, that's me.

    Thank you for asking what I was doing today, well like you not much. Dobby my 7 1/2 month old puppy went for his "big boy" op yesterday so planned to stay home for him and trying to get him to rest which is impossible.

    So just pottered, really just wasted the day, this isn't unusual for me I have days where I do very little, sleep a lot.

    I am working tomorrow a few hours online, but don't have any interest or passion to work any more. but it does give me routine and a meaning for the day.

    I think I will go to my lodge at the coast at Christmas just me and the dog. will be glad when it over, but then have the anniversary of his death 19th Jan. Really not looking forward to the run up to Christmas and New year. 

    Not sure what you think, but I am concerned about me, I accept Rob has died, and the circumstance have been traumatising. But it is the way/what it has left me, empty lost, flat, I have had times before I met Rob, 18 years ago  when I felt unconfident and my self esteem was low, but when I was with Rob i managed so much better, I guess knowing somebody wanted to be with me and believed in me..  

    I have been having counselling, have reduced it from weekly to fortnightly and my next one is monthly as want to be able to manage, but just kidding myself.

    Bu ton a positive note, I do believe I m doing ok, well it isn't lack of trying, but feel it is the constant effort that is so exhausting.

    Thanks for listening

    take care

    Love

    Donna

  • Hi Donna

    I waste so many days myself Donna but I need to be kind to myself and my dog - she is 16 and a half years old so hanging on by a wing and a prayer. Bless her she tries so hard but our walks are limited now and to be honest I don’t like leaving her for more than a couple of hours now. 


    Ive been having counselling and it’s down to once a month but my counsellor is leaving the hospice in December. She’s been great.   


    What work do you do?

    I’m not really concerned about me but realised a couple of weeks ago that I have forgotten myself over the last few years since the diagnosis -  Gordon was my life and priority then of course we went into isolation due to the risk of COVID.  I’m trying to think about me but so far have only managed to book a long needed eye test! I am getting my hair done and have gone back to collecting my great nephew aged nine from school twice a week.

    If you want to talk just message me anytime.

    Love to you, Glenis and Jane. You’ve all helped me today. XXX

  • I've never been mad on the "Ho Ho Ho" of Christmas other than the fact that most years Mark and I went away on holiday. Scuba diving was always part of his Christmas day. 

    Christmas week in our household also means his birthday, followed the next day by our wedding anniversary and then Christmas  day. 

    Last year was my first without him and I spent the day with my daughter and close family friends. Now some people may feel our coping method to be strange ...but it worked for us.  We laid a place at the head of the table for Mark, on his chair sat a 'naughty elf' who held a small tin containing some of Mark's ashes.

    He was included with everything...

    Yes, there were tears but there was also some laughter as we reminisced and raised our glass to Mark whom we know would have been pleased, honoured and amused to be remembered in this way.

    I won't ever like Christmas week as to me it also means birthdays, anniversaries and missing my beloved husband. We won't bother with presents and all the other stuff associated with the season... but we will have dinner together and a place will be set for Mark ♡

  • Hello Donna, this is something I am thinking about as well. 

    My lovely Nic died on 1 February.  He really got me into Christmas as his family was very enthusiastic, but mine wasn't at all.  We used to stay with his parents who really pushed the boat out with decorating the house and the big Christmas dinner and I really enjoyed it. 

    Unfortunately over the last few years our numbers have dwindled.  All four of us in 2018, three in 2019, me and Nic in 2020 and now just me this year.  He was insistent on cooking the big dinner last year, despite being so poorly.  We had a video call with his sister, nieces and their partners in the US, all of which was lovely, but I think we all knew they wouldn't see him again.

    I'm dreading the conversation with my mum as she'll want me to be with people, but I really want to do this one on my own.  I plan to honour some of our traditions and hopefully enjoy some of what M&S can offer in the way of Christmas meals for one.

    We use to put up lights outside the house and have a big tree inside, but can't face doing that this year.

    Like others I too am exhausted with dealing with life and the past few weeks have been mostly spent doing very little then feeling bad about it.  My friends tell me to be kind to myself.  Easier said than done.

    Anyhow, enough of my ramblings.  Stay safe and take care.

    Felicity