Feelig so lost

Hi,

I'm really sorry for your loss. We've gone through everything you go through right now and it is hard. It's very early for you, so don't worry about what you should feel or do, etc. Allow yourself to feel everything.

It does get better. It's not a straight line, but slowly you will adjust to all this. The grief never ends but we learn to live with it.

For now, take it easy, one day at a time. It's good if you have people around you, available when you want to see them and understanding when you don't want that.

Your brain will need time to understand what happened etc. It's a slow painful process.

I remember feeling that guilt "I wish it'd been me instead" then immediately thinking "how can I complain when I'm the one that survived". You can't feel guilty for something that you didn't cause. We're powerless in face of disease and grief and that's an awful feeling.

Focus on your children it will help you. I shared a bed for 4 months with my 2 daughters (11 and 15), reading cheerful stories every night and sleeping sideways with my feet hanging outside the bed. We also had a rule, still have, that whenever one of us needed a hug, we'd do a group hug, for as long as needed. And always let all the emotions go through you, joy, sadness, etc. They were amazingly resilient and carried me as much as I carried them.

Take care xx

i was so sad to read your words and yes we have all been there and feel for you.  It does get better Ive found, I do cry every day but realise that crying isn’t going to bring Rob back.

when we were told he had weeks to live I told him that he had to send my signs (white feathers and Robins) so i would know he was with me.  Yes he has, people may scoff and say it’s all rubbish but I believe that the white feathers i’ve had do mean he’s looking out for me.  They come at times when I need him most, the day after he died, the day after the funeral, the day that I was a wreck and cried all weekend. and the other day (i am on holiday with my daughter) and we were talking about him.

All i can say is take one day at a time and try to do something positive.  If you go out for coffee and break down, your friends/family will understand as it’s so so raw still.

Sendi g you a massive virtual hug.

Glenis

x

Thankyou. Its kind of you to reply. I am so low at the moment  and i know i will have to move on but it is just so hard xx

Don't worry. You don't have to move on, you don't have to rush (you can't rush actually). Time is the best healer.
Moving forward (onward?) sounds sweeter than moving on, because we interiorise all this, rather than letting everything behind. Oh no I sound like a wise owl. There is no rule, take your time, when you feel low it's fine too. You don't see it but you're already working on your grief. It's happening. 

hugs xx 

I saw this in my early days, I am now 18 months forward and approaching Colins 60th birthday.  I still cry often and wonder how it would've been had if it was the other way round.

You will always have your husband with you, always,  in your heart  

Be kind to yourself an keep your strenght up, you have lots of paperwork, name transfers on bills etc and the bereavement teams with banks and places are all very compassionate to the situation. 

Take care x

Thanks the picture just about sums me up at the moment. I have just started all the paperwork  and get upset every time so will do it bit by bit. 

Its reasuring that hopefully it will get better

.love to everybody on this awful journey xxx

So sorry for your loss, I lost my wife six weeks ago and understand everything you are feeling and every day I think I want to be with her but I have three children who you be distraught if I did anything like that. I just keeping thinking about all the good times we had together and I cry for hours a day. If something goes wrong in the house eg I dropped the vacuum and broke it the other day and dust went everywhere I just wanted scream but I picked up one of the many photos I have of my wife around the house and spent 10mins talking to her and telling her how much I knew she would have been laughing at me and had a long smile even through my tears.

I have found this forum so helpful in so many ways it’s unbelievable how people are affected in exactly the same way we feel so early after the loos of a loved one and even though we still feel pain with time it will start to subside and as Devin says in an earlier reply we can begin to move forward.

Take care and remember to smile when you think of the good times xx

Oh Glenis,  I so understand the feathers. For me it’s the robins. Chris always felt that the robin in our garden was his mum. And I believe that the robins I now see are somehow from him. Like you , robins have appeared on such key dates- his funeral, Christmas Day, all our birthdays, the first time I met different friends after he’d gone….I could go on. I get so much comfort, although it usually makes me tearful. 
Taking one day at a time is still how I’m coping, especially as I approach the first anniversary of losing him, next week. 
Sending you a virtual hug

Jane

xx

hello Jane, I got back from holiday and yes there was a feather on the doorstep after I got back from dropping my daughter off.  I’m keeping them all and even though it’s lovely to get I also get very tearful. 

I did ask for Robins as well but nothing yet. At our old house we had a Robin that stuck by Rob every time he was in the garden and I used to say it was his nan.  

The last 2 days of Robs life there were 2 beautiful butterflies flying around our patio and taking a breather on the wall.  After he died they disappeared, i hadn’t seen the motor it after.  I like to think it was his grandparents waiting for him.  Spookily his sister told me after he passed that her daughters had been to see someone a few weeks before who had said that a man in the family had bad stomach linked to his pancreas and that they saw an old lady (his nan) holding out her hand to him. 

Makes me happy that he is with his beloved grandparents.  I think it is helping me to accept his passing.

Virtual hug back at you.

Glenis

x

Hi Jane

I feel the same about robins as you do. Ian passed away nearly 17 weeks ago now and the first time I left the house to visit family in Spain a little robin suddenly appeared as if to say cheerio and have a safe journey. 
Ian loved robins as I do.

It must be so difficult for you thinking of the looming first anniversary. I’m just taking each day as it comes but it seems to be getting harder and sadder each day. It’s the  loneliness and the empty house that is unbearable. We were always laughing and joking so the silence is overwhelming. Hence, I spend most of my time driving around and visiting old haunts. 

Take care,

x Julie