CONFUSED

Hi Julie, 

I'm pleased you have made the decision to visit your sister. I'm waiting for my daughter to come over from Canada in two weeks to stay with me for a month. She couldn't get over for Alan's funeral as Canada was on the amber list at the time so we had the funeral streamed to her so she could watch it at the time it took place as there is a seven-hour time difference .

I had a meltdown tonight as I was watching a music channel on tv that was one we used to watch together. Oh God, it was heartbreaking. I miss him so much. I'm trying to be brave, planting bulbs for the Spring etc. but it's so hard. I still can't look at his photo as I get so choked up. 

I had to visit the hospital today for an ECG as I have been having palpitations at night.. I had to walk down the same corridors that we came down when he was basically sent home to die.

Will we ever get over the trauma do you think? 

Ann

Hi Ann

I expect you can’t wait for your daughter to come over and stay!  It must have been so hard that she couldn’t come over for Alan’s funeral but thankfully the service could be streamed live for her.

So sorry you had a meltdown last night. I’ve watched very little television since Ian passed away as it brings back too many memories of our evenings together.  As to photographs, that is just still too painful even  after 14 weeks….

I hope your ECG results were ok. It must have been awful having to retrace your steps as it is all so recent for you. I can clearly picture Ian’s last few days in hospital, he went in on the Monday afternoon and passed away   on the Friday morning.

Luckily, I was allowed to stay overnight on the Thursday. I must have had a sixth sense as the staff and myself were all shocked when he died. I hate writing that word as it seems too final….

I hope in time we can come both  to terms with what happened but to be honest, I still can’t after this time. I would give anything to be able to turn the clock back. If only …… I still ask myself ‘why us’ and ‘why is life so cruel and unfair’.

Hopefully, you will have some  lovely snowdrops early next year. I remember transplanting what seemed like hundreds early this year and after hours in the garden, Ian  dug a few holes and told me to plant the rest there. I had been meticulously planting them in groups of 3 and 4 before this! I haven’t touched the garden since June.

Take care of yourself,

x Julie

Hi Julie,

Sadly there is no quick fix to this thing called grief and nor would we expect there to be one. All I know is that my emotions like probably everyone else’s on this forum are never the same in each hour of the day and I’m learning to expect that.

My day started sad and it never changed throughout the day but one thing I do tell myself now is just simply “be kind to myself” well at least try to be, because sometimes the sadness just takes over and we forget to be kind to ourselves.

I know Ian may not be in your house anymore but its still your home, I know I wanted to move house within weeks of Maries passing and I had the house up ‘For Sale’ as I felt disconnected from it as she wasn’t there anymore, but you just need to give it time and your feelings for the house will change and the memories will change back to good ones again, you’ve just got to be patient.

You will keep remembering the last days/hours as they are traumatic but these feelings will recede, its the ‘T’ word again but hopefully time will help heal those awful memories. I also relived these moments this morning and broke my heart before finally realising I had to get my dog out for a walk and had to stop myself sobbing which wasn’t easy.

I read and hear so many stories on this forum about the loneliness being one of the worst things and it is for me too, and alongside this feeling is that we feel empty and apathetic, but again when feeling like this we must be kind to ourselves.

Well done for making the brave decision to return home, the house will feel empty and you will feel alone but remember to be patient and kind to yourself.

I do hope we all find peace one day, Ian x

Hi Julie,

I am sorry I haven't been much on here lately. I just wanted to say a few things.

Well done on having booked your flight. I can imagine that must have been a big step. It was a big step for me when I booked my first holiday without my husband only five months after his death. But I did - and it was the best thing I could have done.

You said in a previous message that you are finding it strange that you have to remind yourself at times of what happened and asked whether that is normal. You know, Julie, I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve. For some reason, you are dealing with it in this way and that is fine; it seems to be the best way for your psyche to do it that way because, if it was different, who knows, maybe you wouldn't be able to do anything at all. Trust the process.

Also, I think that fact that you can enjoy yourself when being out is good. There will be different days as well like you said in your last message - days when you ask yourself "Why bother?" - so it is good to enjoy the ones you can enjoy. They are not taking you away from Ian and your love for him, they are making sure that you can move forward whilst keeping him in your heart.

The last hour in hospital sounds so traumatic after everything else you had already been through. It must have been such a shock when the paramedic spoke to you just when you were about to take him home. But you reacted so well. I think had they organised the transport and had he died on the journey home, it would break your heart even more and it wouldn't have been peaceful for him at all.

Sending lots of love Mel X

Well, I’m home alone now, crying  and I think I will have to move. The reality of living here without Ian  is just too much.  I have no family ( the nearest is a two hour drive away)  or close friends near me. 
I am trying to do something everyday , today is my COVID booster, and I have arranged to see other people.

However, like everyone on here, it’s so hard and exhausting. I do feel like curling up and going to sleep but I do know that is not good for me. I spend a lot of my time visiting a favourite spot of ours near a river. We used to buy a coffee and muffin and that is what I do now. I take my kindle and sit there for hours.

It may seem strange, but I also text Ian everyday. I tell him how much I miss him and what I’ve been doing. I’m finding the texts are getting longer and more detailed. 

Sorry for rambling but it’s the only place I can really explain how I feel.

Take care, x Julie

Hi Trixieone,

Sorry, your post is from a couple of days ago, but I am only getting around to looking through the recent messages on here today. I am really sorry you were alone and crying when you wrote your message. And I understand that feeling only too well. I mean, I have three friends nearby but they are very busy with their own lives of course and so I do spend more time than I want on my own with nobody to talk to or do things with. My family are all in Germany and we speak a lot on the phone. The loneliness is so difficult to bear, I know.

I wouldn't want to move as I love this house and Ireland - which is why going back to Germany doesn't really feel like an option - but the loneliness is sometimes overwhelming. And it must be so much more for you because it's still such early days for you.

I don't think it is strange at all that you are sending texts to Ian. I used to write Paul letters. And they, too, got longer and longer as time went on until, one day, I just stopped, without realising it I hadn't thought of writing to him, and I only realised once I was in bed. I wrote two or three more letters in the weeks to come but then stopped completely. You will too some time but if at the moment it is giving you comfort then you have to do it.

Lots of love, Mel

Hi Julie,

I reply only now because I've had the notification following Mel's reply.

Just wanted to add that I've been writing emails to Juliette a lot in the beginning. It was my way of keeping that direct link to her. I would tell her about the daily life but also about my feelings and how much I missed her. They were pretty long and regular and then slowly, without me noticing, they didn't happen that often, until months went by and I didn't think of it. When I realised, I went back to it with a few long ones, as I think I needed that at the time, and stopped again.

I think it's a good way to keep a certain form of contact with our loved one. Over time I have learnt to feel her presence in everything I do, and I love spotting signs of her, feathers, or weird things happening in the house. She's definitely possessing one of the cats as well, who suddenly becomes super cuddly. It makes me laugh and it makes me think of her so she's still there with me.

It was actually one of the things that I found hard at first, which was all the private jokes that no one would ever understand again. And then I slowly realised that I didn't have to tell to anyone else those  jokes, just thinking of them (we have a lot of bad doppelgangers in the village) makes me think of her and that's just what I need sometimes.

Regarding moving house, I was thinking about doing it at one point, because it felt easier to "reclaim" the space if I was starting in a new place, organising things my way etc. In the end I didn't move, but I've been reorganising lots of things. It's a longer process, but I like to do things thinking of Juliette, sometimes thinking that she would do it like that, and sometimes actually thinking that she wouldn't approve but that I will anyway!! And both feelings keep her close to my heart.

Don't ever feel sorry for rambling on here. For one of us rambling there are probably a dozen feeling the same thing (each in our own way) and it's very comforting to know that we're not alone with these thoughts.

Take care xx

Antoine