CONFUSED

Dear Trix,

You are behaving perfectly normal. There's nothing selfish about you.  You are,  I feel, experiencing a form of '  protective denial.' I went through this. Placing our loss away in the recess of our inner mind as its too painful to confront. We seek distractions. Sadly our children can never understand  bless them. They've lost their Dad or their Mum BUT We have lost a LIFE partner. The love of our life.  The grieving is different. 

When you arrive home cry your heart out as I did. I howled like a wolf at the loss of my Anne. But that's the start. Following  on is  another experience that rests your mind and things become clearer. I'll leave it at that my friend. 

Geoff. 

Geoff

Thank you and your thoughts have really helped.

Take care of yourself

Julie x

Well said!

Hi Julie, 

As you say; when you return home you will feel lonely and the floodgates will open but what you have done is a very positive thing in your life at this very critical moment in my opinion. As you’ve allowed yourself to experience life and even enjoy moments without your loved one and for you now regardless of the sadness you will feel on your return home this should give you a little hope for the future, as we all know thats what we need so badly as our futures have all been taken from us.

And try and give it the recognition that you want to live your life again even if its just for brief moments and hang on to these positive thoughts and thats what we all need to do, grasp any little positive moments in our lives that we can as this is what our loved ones and soulmates would want us to do.

My wife left me strict instructions not to mope around and to give myself a kick up the backside and to get on with my life, and although I feel miles away from doing this at the moment as it was only 7 months today since her passing, I know I will do this out of love and the respect that we had for one another, one day I will but just not yet. 

I do hope we all find  peace one day, Ian x

Hi Ian

Thank you for your words of support and kindness.

I know Ian was worried how I would cope without him and I’m not sure how I will when I get back home to an empty house. Some days I feel I will be ok and others, well I just put the thought at the back of my mind.
I have put back  my flight by 7/10 days but I know I can’t hide out here forever.

Your wife must have been a very kind and generous lady as she wanted what was best for you and your future.

Sadly, Ian and I never really discussed  the future as we thought we had more time together but it wasn’t to be. He only confided in others about how worried he was about me.

Initially, we were told a year with chemo and so we planned to go away as much as we could and enjoy what time we had left together. Seven weeks later he passed away; radiotherapy for a secondary brain tumour delayed the chemo and then it was too late for any other treatment. 

Take care of yourself and when life seems really without hope, just remember your wife’s kind and wise words.

x Julie

Hi Julie,

11 weeks is still very early. You're almost only starting the journey. 

If there is one thing the macmillan website taught me is that all feelings are okay. I remember reading and smiling at the pages for carers telling you "you're scared, that's ok." "you're angry at the person you care for, that's ok" etc. Basically whatever you felt, you had to acknowledge that it was fine. I think you should never feel guilty for enjoying a good time. We have paid a hard price losing our loved ones and you have to enjoy every little bit you get. Experience has taught us that life is not infinite and you can't just give up on happiness. I'm sure that Ian wouldn't want that. I told that to me daughters on the day their Mum died. Whatever you're feeling, it's okay. You can be super sad, we'll hug, you can be happy too, that's fine. Your brain needs time to process all this, it's very natural. Society and culture try to impose posture on us on how we should behave, etc. but you can't live your life by those rules, you have to think about you.

And especially because for every good time you can get, you'll have a sad time, a slap in the face to bring you back to the pain and the grief. I remember that last year (it's been 13 months for me) I used to be super sad then fine for a few days, then I would realise it'd been a few days ok and dive straight back into sadness. That's the way it goes.

The best way to deal with emotions is to assess the emotion, and not bottle up or try to get away from it. They're a message to you, from you and they have a purpose. Wether it's a good one or a bad one, ideally you want to assess it, feel what happens to your body, recognise your emotion, to let it happen. And then it passes.

Going back home is going to be a time when you're full on on your grief, but everyday that goes by makes you stronger and you will learn to live without Ian being physically next to you, but being very much a part of you.

Sorry I feel like I'm lecturing you, not what I want really!

Take care xx

Hello Julie.

It's 5 weeks since I lost my lovely husband and the grief is unbearable. I'm trying to be brave but some days I just want to go to bed and not wake up. Then the next day I am fine for a few hours. I think taking each day at a time is the only way to go at the moment. 

Alan had a very aggressive metastasised cancer with hardly any symptoms until 3 weeks before he died. He had a routine blood test which was abnormal so was sent for.MRI and CT scans. These revealed the cancers had spread to his liver, lungs and lymph nodes. No treatment and was literally sent home to die.

It was such a shock and he died 3 weeks later.

I am going through so many mixed emotions, disbelief, anger and feeling so cheated. We had been married for 38 yrs and were soulmates.

So, all we can do is hope for a light at the end of the tunnel someday, but it's so hard to visualise that at the moment.

Annie

Hi Annie

My heart goes out to you. To lose Alan only  three weeks after a terminal diagnosis is beyond belief. You must still be  in such a state of shock as it is still very early days for you. 

It has been 13 weeks since Ian passed away and I still can’t come to terms with what has happened. I still have those feelings of disbelief, anger that Ian’s future was so cruelly taken away from him and resentment that it happened to us. I’ve also wished that I could just disappear ….

We were also married for 38 years and I’ve found today difficult as all I could think about was the places we visited together and will never do again. As you said, good days and bad days come and go and that is why one day at a time makes sense. It not always easy though is it! 

As to the light at the end of the tunnel, all I can see is a lonely future without Ian. I’m thinking of having grief counselling to see if that will help. I’ve read mixed reviews though so I suppose it really depends on the relationship that develops during the sessions.

Take care of yourself Annie, 

Julie x

Hi Julie,

Thank you for your kind words of support too, it means a lot.

 I can’t imagine how difficult it was for to have such a short period of time after their initial assessment telling you that they expected him to live for a lot longer than 7 weeks, that’s really difficult to come to terms with. 

You take as much time as you need before coming back home, And I do hope that you find peace one day.

kind regards Ian x

Well, I’ve finally booked my flight for the 29th of this month. I’m going to spend a few days with my sister and then drive back. I can’t call it home anymore as Ian won’t be there.

It’s 14 weeks today since Ian passed away and I’ve found myself feeling quite tearful as I keep reliving his final days/hours. There is so much more I should have said and done but he went so quickly and unexpectedly.

He had just been transferred to a trolley to take  him home from the hospital when a paramedic took me aside and told me he wouldn’t make it.  So I asked to have him put back in his bed and he died about 45 minutes later…

I am taking each day at a time but it’s hard and I often ask myself why I bother. I can smile and laugh but I feel empty inside.

Sorry for rambling, it’s just been a sad few days.

Julie x